Not sure about the title yet
#1
It sucked that if I was born a day earlier
I'd get a detached house with a road outside
Made of concrete like a freshly baked cake and 
My mother happy because it's as good as free,
But despondent, as it’s not enough


Instead I got vodka, a brown brick block
Of a complex, more vodka, the American Dream
And marching men on a boxy, thick screen
And pellucid, thick skin
A fist and a bruise by my all-hearing ear


'Why are they marching?' I'd ask, my 6 year old
Eyes wandering back and forth
'Because they have nothing better to do,'
Said my grandma, with her back turned,
Not even having to look at the screen


What's the bloody point? I now think
As no one lives in Kremlin or rides tanks
-our neighbour still has a Moskwich 
And works through sweat like fog over his
Vodka-shot eyes, to the patriotic beat
Of a distant drum on a little screen


That's what I think now when I have that
Pretty detached house and I complain
As it's not as big as that planar curve
Of a playing field-why do I still see
Cast iron while I sleep?


Once it was normal to me-bullet holes
In hospital walls and sad eyes looking up
To the 6th floor while we drove past 
With our sun burned skin and a scratched suitcase.
93% mixed with water, a scalded throat:


My father flew gliders, jets, planes
Over a tundra where a day was 
Six months, like the hangover, and 
He still flew through the heat in his skull
Brown bread, moloko, Tsar bomba, a flight


To where they still march, their feet like
A beating heart of an oil field-
Only four thousand miles between us
Four hours, the blink of an eye
And a tongue lodged deep behind blue lips
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#2
(11-01-2015, 11:05 PM)aleexgold Wrote:  It sucked that if I was born a day earlier
I'd get a detached house with a road outside
Made of concrete like a freshly baked cake and 
My mother happy because it's as good as free,
But despondent, as it’s not enough


Instead I got vodka, a brown brick block
Of a complex, more vodka, the American Dream
And marching men on a boxy, thick screen
And pellucid, thick skin
A fist and a bruise by my all-hearing ear


'Why are they marching?' I'd ask, my 6 year old
Eyes wandering back and forth
'Because they have nothing better to do,'
Said my grandma, with her back turned,
Not even having to look at the screen


What's the bloody point? I now think
As no one lives in Kremlin or rides tanks
-our neighbour still has a Moskwich 
And works through sweat like fog over his
Vodka-shot eyes, to the patriotic beat
Of a distant drum on a little screen


That's what I think now when I have that
Pretty detached house and I complain
As it's not as big as that planar curve
Of a playing field-why do I still see
Cast iron while I sleep?


Once it was normal to me-bullet holes
In hospital walls and sad eyes looking up
To the 6th floor while we drove past 
With our sun burned skin and a scratched suitcase.
93% mixed with water, a scalded throat:


My father flew gliders, jets, planes
Over a tundra where a day was 
Six months, like the hangover, and 
He still flew through the heat in his skull
Brown bread, moloko, Tsar bomba, a flight


To where they still march, their feet like
A beating heart of an oil field-
Only four thousand miles between us
Four hours, the blink of an eye
And a tongue lodged deep behind blue lips
Seriously, give it a title old chap....if you have no idea what it's about, what chance do the crits stand. It us in Serious, after all.
Best,
tectak
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#3
This is quite a quite wonderful poem. The imagery cuts (like a film) between
'concrete' metaphor (forgive pun) and emotional detail.

A few suggestions:

The font doesn't really need to be so large.
Sometimes it's better to be able to see more of the poem.

Some people will carp about beginning the lines with capitals, I like them;
but it's your decision.

You should use double-quotes ( " ) in the poem as they're easier to distinguish visually.


01     It sucked that if I was born a day earlier
02     I'd get a detached house with a road outside
03     Made of concrete like a freshly baked cake and
04     My mother happy because it's as good as free,
05     But despondent, as it’s not enough
06    
07    
08     Instead I got vodka, a brown brick block
09     Of a complex, more vodka, the American Dream
10     And marching men on a boxy, thick screen
11     And pellucid, thick skin
12     A fist and a bruise by my all-hearing ear
13    

01  "sucked" doesn't fit the content, a less informal word is needed
03  commas: Made of concrete, like a freshly baked cake, and
05  period (full stop): But despondent, as it’s not enough.
04-05 nice descriptive detail


Love the "vodka" metaphor and its extension throughout the poem.
Ah, the irony of "American Dream". Smile
10-11 Confusing. Re-phrase to connect  "pellucid, thick skin" to the men
12 needs period at end. "By" should be changed to "to".

14    
15     'Why are they marching?' I'd ask, my 6 year old
16     Eyes wandering back and forth
17     'Because they have nothing better to do,'
18     Said my grandma, with her back turned,
19     Not even having to look at the screen
20    
21    
22     What's the bloody point? I now think
23     As no one lives in Kremlin or rides tanks
24     -our neighbour still has a Moskwich
25     And works through sweat like fog over his
26     Vodka-shot eyes, to the patriotic beat
27     Of a distant drum on a little screen
28 [=2]

16 needs period at end
19 needs period
22 probably should consider using quotations, even for yourself
22 period
23 insert a "the" between "in" and "Kremlin"
23 an "in" between "rides" and "tanks", while optional, might be better
23 period
24 Start a new sentence. / I looked up "Moskwich" and found out
it was a automobile; but, it needs clarification for a general audience.
Maybe: "Moskwich car" even though it's chunkier. But would hate to drop
"Moskwich" as it SO fits the poems theme.
27 period

29    
30     That's what I think now when I have that
31     Pretty detached house and I complain
32     As it's not as big as that planar curve
33     Of a playing field-why do I still see
34     Cast iron while I sleep?
35    
36    
37     Once it was normal to me-bullet holes
38     In hospital walls and sad eyes looking up
39     To the 6th floor while we drove past
40     With our sun burned skin and a scratched suitcase.
41     93% mixed with water, a scalded throat:
42    

31 drop "pretty", confusing as "pretty" has second meaning as "almost"
32 substitute "that" for "as"
33 use a double-dash with spaces: "field -- why"
37  use a double-dash with spaces: "me -- bullet"
40 needs dash: "sun-burned"
41 unclear: "93% mixed with water" alcohol? Can't imagine
vodka, even in Russia, being 186 proof
41 ":" should be "." unless you're linking it to "father" below


43    
44     My father flew gliders, jets, planes
45     Over a tundra where a day was
46     Six months, like the hangover, and
47     He still flew through the heat in his skull
48     Brown bread, moloko, Tsar bomba, a flight
49    
50    
51     To where they still march, their feet like
52     A beating heart of an oil field-
53     Only four thousand miles between us
54     Four hours, the blink of an eye
55     And a tongue lodged deep behind blue lips

44 "gliders" and "jets" are "planes"
change to "gliders and jets" or similar
45 omit "a" between "Over" and "tundra"
46 probably should be:  "like his hangover" or "like a hangover"
47 change  "He still flew" to "still he flew"
47 period at end
51 semicolon: "march; their"
52 period at end
53 comma at end
54 comma at end
55 period at end

This is such a fine poem, I really can't bring myself to suggest any changes to its content.
Again: The imagery!!! How it mixes, brings out (like vodka maybe) the emotions.

Beautiful.

Oh, yes, the title:

"American Dream"  (I love the irony.)  or  "Concrete and Vodka"  or "Brown Brick and Vodka"

Hmm, I guess I like "Concrete and Vodka" the best.
Ray
                                                                                                                a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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