I remember.

[lizzyrose12]

......

[Todd]

Hi Liz,

I want to give this one some more thought before I comment more fully. I am struck by a few lines. You mention that you just started writing poetry again after giving up on it. When I consider some of what you've written here I hope you stick it out. You've got some very good instincts and skills. Critique is difficult for any of us to embrace but the truth is it takes a lifetime to master something like this. Let me point out the lines that were exceptional to me (If I have more comments to mention later I'll come back and post).


I remember when I use to run the world,
I was a god in the mirrors eye,

A couple minor grammar points in those lines (I think it should be used instead of use), but these lines are excellent. You can fix nits but it's much more difficult to come up with lines that work well.

I also loved this:

In a sharp edged field with razors and knives,
I thought god was enough to take my life,
I remember the day it fell apart.

The first line makes me think of cutting (whether that's your intent or not, but either way it is still an interesting original way to depict a point in life. The next two lines are awesome.

When I write what I consider great lines there is always that pressure to make the rest of the poem worthy of them. That's usually what sparks my initial rewrites.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

I remember when I use to run the world,
I was a god in the mirrors eye,
The days would all fly by,
Because we just felt so alive.
A fairytale with an ending sweet as could be.
And now I walk alone.
Have my fate carved in stone.

In a sharp edged field with razors and knives,
I thought god was enough to take my life,
I remember the day it fell apart.

I remember the lies we told,
Garbage from my mouth, to me was gold.
Never an honest word was told.

I’ve learned to be numb,
To not feel anymore.
I’m not alive,
Just a ghost on the surface.
A spirit of what use to be,
Yet my body walks on still as a zombie.

It felt like it was years ago,
And still my story forever untold

Just thought I'd submit a poem before I went to bed. I'm not very good at taking critic since I just started writing poetry again after I decided to give up on it. Thanks!

being able to accept feedback is often harder than writing the poem

some good line in this one lizzy.
i really like;
I remember when I use to run the world,
I was a god in the mirrors eye,
and;
In a sharp edged field with razors and knives,
I thought god was enough to take my life,
I remember the day it fell apart.

for me some of the lines like these;
I remember the lies we told,
Garbage from my mouth, to me was gold.
Never an honest word was told.
feel to stretched and too poetical. funny isn't it "how can a line of poetry be too poetical"?

lets' break down too poetical;
Never an honest word was told. first off what is it saying? it's saying; i always lied. what's the best way to say that in a poem? the best way is with an image or other poetic device, lets use a simile;
lies ran like rats down an anchor chain
lies oozed out like melting chocolate.
lies fell from my mouth like rain. these similes aren't good but they add something.
you could use metaphor;
a constant waterfall of poison fell from my mouth
always try and show us the image when you can
sometimes sounding poetic has an adverse effect. jmo.
todd mentioned the grammar. if you can magage that you're half way there.
thanks for the read as always lizzy