In 8995 days

[elviaje26]

edit two







The prophet was a liar.
 
No friends.
Fired 4 times.
Two sexual partners.
One abortion.
Where was the revolution?
Where were the followers?
Full of drive    
but often failing
I deceived myself.
 
Converted two souls to the faith
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends,
without any admires,
and one abortion.


Edit one





No Resolve


No friends.
Two sexual partners.
One abortion.
Crammed of drive,
but empty of accomplishment.
I deceive myself,
but often failing.
The prophet foretold
leading a revolution,
great respect,
and numberless admirers.


Converted two souls to the faith.
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends
without any admirers
and one abortion.
.
No resolve.








Orginial





In 8995 days

No friends.
One abortion.
Two sexual partners.
But full of steadfast drive,
usually.
Desperately deceiving consciousness,
but often failing
in believing that prophecy. 
The prophet prophesied
leading a revolution,
a superabundance of respect,
many admirers,
but most importantly,
Greatness.
Converted two souls to the faith.
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends
without any admirers
and one abortion.

No resolve.

The prophecy is not true.

[rayheinrich]

00  In 8995 days
01  
02  No friends.
03  One abortion.
04  Two sexual partners.
05  But full of steadfast drive,
06  usually.
07  Desperately deceiving consciousness,
08  but often failing
09  in believing that prophecy.
10  The prophet prophesied
11  leading a revolution,
12  a superabundance of respect,
13  many admirers,
14  but most importantly,
15  Greatness.
16  Converted two souls to the faith.
17  Now though, an atheist.
18  An atheist without any friends
19  without any admirers
20  and one abortion.
21  
22  No resolve.
23  
24  The prophecy is not true.

I like this a lot. My remarks are made assuming that the day count starts at birth.
If it started much later... they would be a bit different.

Line 00 - While using days as the unit of time emphasizes the subjective enormity of
the time that has passed, the impatience, the despair, the compulsive attention paid
to the passage of time; it also creates a pause while the reader pulls up a calculator
app and divides 8995 by 365.25 to get 24.6 .  It also seems a bit cute. That said, it
did get my attention, got me to read the poem. So, yes, on the whole the title works
well. Maybe it should be "24 years" (as 25 conveys the feel of approximation, something
this poem would wish to avoid) ? No, you're right, "8995" is best.

2-3 good
4 Not sure this line adds that much, I think 3 pretty much covers this topic
5 Should omit "steadfast", but if you do you end up with a cliché. So keep the meaning,
but rephrase the line.

6 Omit. 8 does 6's work; 6 is unnecessary and decreases the impact of having 7 directly follow 5.

7 Unclear, needs rephrasing. Did you mean to say your protagonist was desperately deceiving
herself/himself?

8 Good
9 Shouldn't "that prophecy" be "the prophecy" so it leads into 10-15 that give the prophecy?
If so, you should separate 9 and 10 with a blank line, start a new stanza.
Otherwise, you need to clarify what you mean by that first "prophecy".

10-15 "The prophecy" - these need paring down. The prophet foretold leading a revolution,
gaining respect, admiration, greatness. Keep it short. Maybe do it first person: "The prophet
told me..."

Separate 15 and 16 with a blank line, start a new stanza.

16-20 These are wonderful lines, the heart of the poem. The beginning of the poem exists to
lead us to these; they are the poem's true end.

16 -17 Great!
18  Omit "any"
19  Omit "any"
20  Great!

21-24 Omit these. What more do they really tell us? Readers are smart (well, the ones you
want to attract are), they don't need a summation.

But whatever you do, keep 16-20. Truly wonderful.

[Genuinebloke]

Powerful stuff! I have to say that the edit is a vast improvement over the original; fantastically streamlined and really cuts to the core of the original material.

There are just two things that suffer in the edit:

1. The title - is "No Resolve" now the title? I feel that using a time-frame as the title gave much more power to the poem.
2. "Crammed with drive" - sounds too colloquial and out of keeping with the new content. I much preferred "full of steadfast drive" and think that this works better with the new version.

[rayheinrich]

00 The prophet was a liar.

01  No friends.
02  Fired 4 times.
03  Two sexual partners.
04  One abortion.
05  Where was the revolution?
06  Where were the followers?
07  Full of drive    
08  but often failing
09  I deceived myself.
10  
11  Converted two souls to the faith
12  Now though, an atheist.
13  An atheist without any friends,
14  without any admires,
15  and one abortion.


This has turned out well. I do like it.
You took the advice you needed, but knew what you wanted.
Good poem.

Some nits:

07 Since you're using punctuation marks, "drive" needs a "," after it.
08 And "failing" needs a "." after it.

11 "faith" needs either a "," or a "."

13-14 Can't I convince you to take those two "any" 's out? (I suggested this in my first crit.)
        They don't add anything to the meaning, and they injure the rhythm and impact.

But either way, this is a very powerful poem. Those last five lines are devastating.

Ray

[thepoorfortune]

Your work has come a long way. I really like to see the dynamic that is this poem over the course of your revisions. You've done well to condense it and purify your feelings and purpose thoroughly. The only thing that sticks out to me would be the repitition of the term "an atheist" in lines 11 and 12. Consider including this only once to not seem redundant. Also, you could replace the use of the word "without" with "zero" to fit your numerical theme, but I would understand if you would rather keep "without", it works pretty well.

Consider:

"Now though, an atheist.
With zero friends,
With zero admirers,
and one abortion"

[secrecy_unknown]

this scraped through though it shouldn't have/mod how did it catch your attention and why....try and give the poet a bit of in-depth feedback



This is a very deep topic, within itself. It consists of more then everyday troubles, it goes above and beyond, and brings wondering thoughts of what ifs? and how comes? and questions life, and believe systems.  I would love to see more of your work I am new to this and yours is the first one I have seen and it caught a great amount of my attention.

[Proze]

Yes this edit is much better. I would change "in believing that prophecy." to "to believe the prophecy." 

Also, not really feeling "The prophet prophesied" and the word "superabundance."

Finally, I believe "The prophecy is not true." would sound better as "The prophecy is a lie."

Hope this helps!



In 8995 days

No friends.
One abortion.
Two sexual partners.
But full of steadfast drive,
usually.
Desperately deceiving consciousness,
but often failing
in believing that prophecy. 
The prophet prophesied
leading a revolution,
a superabundance of respect,
many admirers,
but most importantly,
Greatness.
Converted two souls to the faith.
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends
without any admirers
and one abortion.

No resolve.

The prophecy is not true.

[the man with the spoon]

edit two







The prophet was a liar.
 
No friends.
Fired 4 times.
Two sexual partners.
One abortion.
Where was the revolution?
Where were the followers?
Full of drive    
but often failing
I deceived myself.
 
Converted two souls to the faith
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends,
without any admires,
and one abortion.


Edit one





No Resolve


No friends.
Two sexual partners.
One abortion.
Crammed of drive,
but empty of accomplishment.
I deceive myself,
but often failing.
The prophet foretold
leading a revolution,
great respect,
and numberless admirers.


Converted two souls to the faith.
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends
without any admirers
and one abortion.
.
No resolve.








Orginial





In 8995 days

No friends.
One abortion.
Two sexual partners.
But full of steadfast drive,
usually.
Desperately deceiving consciousness,
but often failing
in believing that prophecy. 
The prophet prophesied
leading a revolution,
a superabundance of respect,
many admirers,
but most importantly,
Greatness.
Converted two souls to the faith.
Now though, an atheist.
An atheist without any friends
without any admirers
and one abortion.

No resolve.

The prophecy is not true.

i like the version in 8995 days, i think however for starters you should change the title to just "8995", thats just my opinion. besides that, this is a really deep poem, i also think you should cut the line "in believe that prophecy" the next line kind of makes this one a bit redundant. instead of the word superabundance, maybe find another word: plethora, copious, innumerable, i just think the word superabundance doesn't fit well with the mood of the rest of the poem