In Come Free

[Mark A Becker]

In Come Free

My head knows what a body is
language for, but my hands
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write
this dream?

I work my fingers raw in the mud
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, and behind it
a familiar voice there calls.
I make a door, and hear
that someone knocks, then his voice
is calling. Calling me out to play. I am a child
again. I step outside to find myself
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”--
my brother calling to me
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free”
from the other side of the wall.
But the door is now gone.

Why do I wake up sweating?  
Why have I had this dream
again?  Why have I never cried
since you died?



In Come Free

My hands know what a body is
language for, but my fingers
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write
this dream?

I work my hands raw in the mud
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, behind which
a familiar voice calls.
I make a door, and hear
someone knock, then his voice
calling. Calling me out to play. I am a child
again. I step outside to find myself
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”--
my brother calling to me
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free”
from the other side of the wall.
But the door is now gone.

Why have I had this dream
again? Why do I wake up
sweating?  Why have I never
cried
since you died?

[RiverNotch]

Neat stuff. Brief thought -- I'l probably get back to all this later -- I do think the line breaks of the last stanza are a bit awkward. I would just post the sentences as straight up lines, until the last, and perhaps rearrange the sentences, too. So:

"Why do I wake up sweating?
Why have I had this dream again?
Why have I never cried
since you died?"

But of course, I'm much less sure about the rearrangement.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Notch-

Thanks for the eyes...

I do agree that "playing it straight" regarding the line breaks, per your suggestion, is probably a good idea.

The order of the lines that you suggest also makes sense, as the waking up would occur before the wondering about having this recurring dream. Small accuracies like that are important, and the rearrangement is necessary.

So it is done.

Thanks again,
... Mark

Neat stuff. Brief thought -- I'l probably get back to all this later -- I do think the line breaks of the last stanza are a bit awkward. I would just post the sentences as straight up lines, until the last, and perhaps rearrange the sentences, too. So:

"Why do I wake up sweating?
Why have I had this dream again?
Why have I never cried
since you died?"

But of course, I'm much less sure about the rearrangement.

[Cousin Kil]

Hey Mark,

It's been a long while since I've posted on here, but as always, your work is pretty damn good
I think my favorite part is the simple detail of mud bricks
the consonance is great first off "mud making" as well as the enjambment, but also I'm crazy about the image of it.
Brick is a solid image, but imagining bricks of mud brings into question the stability of that wall, how long will it last?/eventually that mud will slip down itself and away. Your piece says something about mortality. Yes the door is gone, but that ain't the only way in, at least that's how I read it.

Maybe my interpretation is bogus but I enjoyed the piece none the less,
Cousin

[RiverNotch]

Told you I'll be back. But again, not in the capacity I'd like -- too busy, too exhausted -- so all I've again are technical notes.

My head knows what a body is 
language for, but my hands
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write 
this dream? 

I work my fingers raw in the mud Comma.
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, and behind it Possibly comma; better yet, comma, and remove "it".
a familiar voice there calls.
I make a door, and hear "Make" feels bland, but the blandness makes the image blurry, dreamy: good.
that someone knocks, then his voice
is calling. Calling me out to play. "then his voice / is calling" doesn't fit the sentence right; maybe: "I make a door, then hear / someone knocking, a voice / calling, calling me out to play--" I am a child This sentence deserves its own line.
again. I step outside to find myself So "I am a child again. Then / I step outside and find myself".
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”-- "hide and seek" needs no quote marks. Em dash not needed, either; instead, comma.
my brother calling to me Hum. "calling out to me"?
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free” This shouldn't be a quote, methinks, but a parenthetic. Em dashes or parentheses required.
from the other side of the wall. Feels redundant, but the dreaminess again works well here.
But the door is now gone. Maybe switch up gone and now?

Why do I wake up sweating?  
Why have I had this dream
again?  Why have I never cried
since you died? Still finding pleasure in this ending.

[Biggy Smalls]

I am a novice at best,but here I go.I do not know how to critique poetry,but I'll try my best.In the first stanza I think the subject is saying that he knows his brother is dead.Because it is his brother he couldn't find the appropriate words.The second (to me)was the best save the last two sentences.I felt the mud between my fingers,saw in my minds eye the bricks take shape and then form a wall.I agree with the trading places of the first two sentences.Overall I think it is a premium piece of of literature possessing good use of hyperboles.The last two sentences is a realization that tied the body together.I hope my feedback was sufficient enough to gain permission to post.I honestly did my best.This is my very first attempt ever.Thanks for the opportunity.

[tectak]

In Come Free

My head knows what a body is
language for, but my hands
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write
this dream?

I work my fingers raw in the mud
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, and behind it
a familiar voice there calls.
I make a door, and hear
that someone knocks, then his voice
is calling. Calling me out to play. I am a child
again. I step outside to find myself
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”--
my brother calling to me
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free”
from the other side of the wall.
But the door is now gone.

Why do I wake up sweating?  
Why have I had this dream
again?  Why have I never cried
since you died?



In Come Free

My hands know what a body is
language for, but my fingers
strangle the vocabulary.  How to write
this dream?

I work my hands raw in the mud
making bricks. I stack each brick
until I build a wall, behind which
a familiar voice calls.
I make a door, and hear
someone knock, then his voice
calling. Calling me out to play. I am a child
again. I step outside to find myself
within a game of “hide ‘n seek”--
my brother calling to me
“all-ee, all-ee, in come free”
from the other side of the wall.
But the door is now gone.

Why have I had this dream
again? Why do I wake up
sweating?  Why have I never
cried
since you died?

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm gonna rewrite this poem to get rid of some ambiguity and make the message/image a bit more clear and try to incorporate some sort of rhythm instead of just having it as a blank verse. While the poem is supposed to be quite open to interpretation and ambiguous I feel that I do get a bit too carried away at the end so I will work on that as well

Hi Mark,
please don't think less of me for what I am about to say, but this is not your finest hour...nor mine. Thing is, the reader
(this reader) can listen ambivalently to any old tripe if it is "a dream"...generic excuse for surrealism and phantasmagorical excess. This is not your style and it shows. The title means nothing to me...what DOES it mean? How does it relate to the poem? I am sure you will tell me but why should you need to? Again I find myself coming out wuth the same old crit..what's with the rhetorical questions?(and that is NOT rhetorical as you will prove). In poetry, though, such a device does nothing to endear the piece to the sympathetic scrutiny of the reader who looks to be "moved" by.the poet's words...not by whatever connection can be hooked out of commonality. You know, the "Hey, I felt like that once..." bandwaggoners.
The blank verse claim is a false assurance. What you have written is just an insignificant attempt to recapture the dream state without paying your dues to the muse. For me, there is just too much ethereal wafting and not enough attempt at craft. Do something to make it a poem...hell, you have a metaphor on your plate. Stop playing with it and eat up.
Best,
tectak

[bfiggs19]

I like the poem. The dreams you have about your loved ones when they're gone are the strangest. And usually the scariest. Because you always feel guilty when they've passed and it messes with you. I hope you find peace with it though.

[REW]

I see in the comments that there have been some nits in regards to this poem.  I don't have any.  I myself used to have this nightly dream and I finally decided it was a message from the dead/spirit world.

This to me has the same feel of a dream sequence and l the brother that passed on was trying to communicate, but somehow the communication needs to be done during sleep and as the subject begins to wake up, the door to the realm is gone.

I suppose I lied unintentially and my one nit is the questions at the end.  I suggest cutting those and ending with quite simply, I wake up sweating.  That statement would indicate a struggle and allow the reader to fill in the blanks.