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![[Image: lonely.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im9/lonely.jpg)
< each new day >
a sound
i look behind
i think you're there
it's just a cat
we live
and lived
amidst a swirl of things
and most of them are gone
you've left them now
i'll leave them here as well
it's time to feed the cats again
i ask myself
what can I do with this new day?
it's any fucking thing i want
i live each day
i'm free
i look behind
the past begins again
- - -
first version (before taking Keith's suggestions)
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 848
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A day in the life of a widower great how you capture the important things about how we feel what we try to do. very much enjoyed Ray. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
(10-10-2015, 08:13 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< each new day >
a sound
i look behind
i think you're there
it's just a cat who's jumped down on a box This line feels too long and is the box important ?
we live
and lived
amidst a swirl of things
and most of them are gone this is a strong image of the pace of life slowing down and more relevant given S1
you've left them now
i'll leave them here as well quite sad but a natural progression for the poem
it's time to feed the cats again The cats need feeding again ? I like the way this sets up the...ah well life goes on
i ask myself
what can I do with this new day?
it's any fucking thing i want to do you could drop the repeat on 'Do' and drop ' its' without losing the meaning or the punch
i live each day
i'm free
i look behind
the past begins again I like this very much,the true outcome off loosing someone and its so comforting to look back, strong ending
- - -
A day in the life of a widower great how you capture the important things about how we feel what we try to do. very much enjoyed Ray. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
(10-10-2015, 08:13 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< each new day >
a sound
i look behind
i think you're there
it's just a cat who's jumped down on a box This line feels too long and is the box important ?
we live
and lived
amidst a swirl of things
and most of them are gone this is a strong image of the pace of life slowing down and more relevant given S1
you've left them now
i'll leave them here as well quite sad but a natural progression for the poem
it's time to feed the cats again The cats need feeding again ? I like the way this sets up the...ah well life goes on
i ask myself
what can I do with this new day?
it's any fucking thing i want to do you could drop the repeat on 'Do' and drop ' its' without losing the meaning or the punch
i live each day
i'm free
i look behind
the past begins again I like this very much,the true outcome off loosing someone and its so comforting to look back, strong ending
- - -
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
(10-12-2015, 02:57 AM)Keith Wrote: A day in the life of a widower great how you capture the important things about how we feel what we try to do. very much enjoyed Ray. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
it's just a cat who's jumped down on a box This line feels too long and is the box important ?
No, it isn't important. I've shortened it to: "it's just a cat"
(10-12-2015, 02:57 AM)Keith Wrote: it's any fucking thing i want to do [b]you could drop the repeat on 'Do' and drop ' its' without losing the meaning or the punch
I've dropped "to do" but kept "it's" to maintain the iambic feet it's written in.
Thanks for the suggestions, they've improved the poem.
(And thanks for liking it as well.)[/b]
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 695
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Very interesting picture, Ray, so desolate, so lonely...
It's always time to feed the cats, isn't it? I like the way that bit of reality snaps us back from the abstract thoughts that preceded it.
The F-word twists the meaning of the line "any fucking thing I want" reflecting the anger of the writer. (I hope you use Keith's suggestion to shorten that line. Makes it more powerful.)
When you say "I'm free" in the last verse, I can feel the irony, and sadness,of that "freedom".
And then there's that picture-- a poem in itself.
Thanks Ray,
... Mark
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
(10-13-2015, 01:59 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Very interesting picture, Ray, so desolate, so lonely...
It's always time to feed the cats, isn't it? I like the way that bit of reality snaps us back from the abstract thoughts that preceded it.
The F-word twists the meaning of the line "any fucking thing I want" reflecting the anger of the writer. (I hope you use Keith's suggestion to shorten that line. Makes it more powerful.)
When you say "I'm free" in the last verse, I can feel the irony, and sadness,of that "freedom".
And then there's that picture-- a poem in itself.
Thanks Ray,
... Mark
I tried to take that suggestion, to eliminate the "to do"; but the pigpen editor fought me.
I re-entered that change three times and in return it inserted a duplicate of his remarks, it refused to touch
the damn "to do", and was overly obstinate about the bold flags.
I'm in San Francisco at the moment and I can only attribute this to some karmic deficit incurred by not
paying homage to Lawrence Ferlinghetti by neglecting to visit City Lights Books.
But whatever...
And yes, the cats are a welcome reality and that "I'm free" makes me cry every time I read it.
I guess it's that karma again; always hard to tell which way it's headed.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
