My Fear

[Stateofmind]

An elderly man

On a park bench he ponders

Just why he's sitting alone

And his mind wanders

He remembers days past

Now his lifes history

But why he's alone

Is still quite the mystery

He knows his heart is grand

And overflows with love

Yet still no companion

No angel from above

He'll feed his winged friends

And watch the children play

And wonder what a family does

At the end of its day

Hearing voices throughout the house

Family dinner made with care

He yearns to know what that's like

But life is often unfair

He's lived life with love

Showed nothing but kindness

Yet still no beauty to adore

As 20/20 sight turns to blindness

Inside he is so alone

Angry from a wasted life

Tears sometimes escape

Wanting children and a wife

But alone he shall die

No one at his side

Never becoming a father

And never taking a bride

[sunilmathur]

You've brought out the importance of family life in this rhymed, smooth-flowing poem. The man ponders why he's alone; why he's alone is still a mystery. These do not seem to be realistic. Certainly the man knows why he is alone and why he has not married. In 'lifes history', the apostrophe after 'e' seems to be missing.

[ohkshea]

I really enjoyed this piece. Your style is clear and concise and consciously worded. The title "My Fear" reveals how relatable the scenario is. Often it feels as though we have so much love to give, yet receive nothing in return.

[rayheinrich]

The main problem is taking so many lines to state the obvious. There's no clue as to why,
no tragic flaw mentioned. And yes, a poem doesn't need to explain. But if it doesn't,
it needs to supply a more detailed description of his suffering. Some images of the man,
a description of his thoughts. Without this, it's a skeleton.

Ray

[Stateofmind]

You've brought out the importance of family life in this rhymed, smooth-flowing poem. The man ponders why he's alone; why he's alone is still a mystery. These do not seem to be realistic. Certainly the man knows why he is alone and why he has not married. In 'lifes history', the apostrophe after 'e' seems to be missing.

Yeah ur right the apostrophe is missing. My phone auto-corrected it to "life's" at first and I didn't correct it properly. But as to his pondering. ... he ponders the question of why he's alone. .. not the reasons. Thanks for the advice :-)

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I really enjoyed this piece. Your style is clear and concise and consciously worded. The title "My Fear" reveals how relatable the scenario is. Often it feels as though we have so much love to give, yet receive nothing in return.

Nothing but loneliness. Thanks.

---

The main problem is taking so many lines to state the obvious. There's no clue as to why,
no tragic flaw mentioned. And yes, a poem doesn't need to explain. But if it doesn't,
it needs to supply a more detailed description of his suffering. Some images of the man,
a description of his thoughts. Without this, it's a skeleton.

Ray

That's just the point. There is no explanation. No tragic flaw. It's my biggest fear. Growing old alone. .. with no good reason for it. A man with so much love to give. Who wants a family so badly. ... being cursed to be alone. For no good reason other than that life is simply unfair.

[QDeathstar]

I think what Ray is saying is that the poem should move the reader to that same fear, like a good horror film... This poem doesn't elicit emotion as it sits. If your trying to elicit fear, maybe the sing song affect of rhyming isn't appropriate, or maybe you could break the rhyme at a culminating moment...

[rayheinrich]

The main problem is taking so many lines to state the obvious. There's no clue as to why,
no tragic flaw mentioned. And yes, a poem doesn't need to explain. But if it doesn't,
it needs to supply a more detailed description of his suffering. Some images of the man,
a description of his thoughts. Without this, it's a skeleton.
Ray

That's just the point. There is no explanation. No tragic flaw. It's my biggest fear. Growing old alone. .. with no good reason for it. A man with so much love to give. Who wants a family so badly. ... being cursed to be alone. For no good reason other than that life is simply unfair.

That's a reasonable goal. I guess I'd modify my crit to say:
"a more accessible portrayal of his suffering". Include some personal details,
some specific incident(s)? The descriptions are far away, viewed too
clinically. The connection between the reader and the man needs to
be strengthened; to be felt rather than described. Some positive lines
might be introduced to heighten the despair...
ray

[Stateofmind]

The main problem is taking so many lines to state the obvious. There's no clue as to why,
no tragic flaw mentioned. And yes, a poem doesn't need to explain. But if it doesn't,
it needs to supply a more detailed description of his suffering. Some images of the man,
a description of his thoughts. Without this, it's a skeleton.
Ray

That's just the point. There is no explanation. No tragic flaw. It's my biggest fear. Growing old alone. .. with no good reason for it. A man with so much love to give. Who wants a family so badly. ... being cursed to be alone. For no good reason other than that life is simply unfair.

That's a reasonable goal. I guess I'd modify my crit to say:
"a more accessible portrayal of his suffering". Include some personal details,
some specific incident(s)? The descriptions are far away, viewed too
clinically. The connection between the reader and the man needs to
be strengthened; to be felt rather than described. Some positive lines
might be introduced to heighten the despair...
ray

Wow... that was good. I'm not sure if I could do that though. Using positivity to stress despair! That takes more skill than I posses lol

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I think what Ray is saying is that the poem should move the reader to that same fear, like a good horror film... This poem doesn't elicit emotion as it sits. If your trying to elicit fear, maybe the sing song affect of rhyming isn't appropriate, or maybe you could break the rhyme at a culminating moment...

Well... kinda both fear and despair. My own fear... but not in horror movie type of fear. . A fear of a very real possibility. Which would then bring on despair. Maybe I'll do better next time. Thanks for trying to clarify

[ellajam]

I don't think you need to wait for "next time". If this is something you want to work with you could read the critiques for clues on how to edit or rewrite this and take another swing at it.

[tectak]

An elderly man

On a park bench he ponders

Just why he's sitting alone

And his mind wanders

He remembers days past

Now his lifes history

But why he's alone

Is still quite the mystery

He knows his heart is grand

And overflows with love

Yet still no companion

No angel from above

He'll feed his winged friends

And watch the children play

And wonder what a family does

At the end of its day

Hearing voices throughout the house

Family dinner made with care

He yearns to know what that's like

But life is often unfair

He's lived life with love

Showed nothing but kindness

Yet still no beauty to adore

As 20/20 sight turns to blindness

Inside he is so alone

Angry from a wasted life

Tears sometimes escape

Wanting children and a wife

But alone he shall die

No one at his side

Never becoming a father

And never taking a bride

Hello.
Whatever merits this piece may have in content is eroded away to nothing by the poor syntax,grammar and symptomatic capitalising of each line in a thwarted attempt at "being poetic". That's the hard line.
A more kindly critique would point out that centralising is pretty but pointless and the splitting of lines in to a form which makes the rhyme scheme XAXA XBXB is bizarre. Why do it?
On rhyme scheme, as is, the whole thing is painfully forced.
OK,OK. The desire is there. In the round, this is a "little" idea...nothing wrong with that...but if you try to make it more than it is you will pad it. Get a grip on the "essence" and write with precision, remembering all the while that you must inform the reader. As it stands, there is no "interest" because nothing hooks the attention. It is a homogeneous diatribe which actually asks more questions than it answers.
Nuff said in novice. Welcome.
Best,
tectak

[Stateofmind]

I don't think you need to wait for "next time". If this is something you want to work with you could read the critiques for clues on how to edit or rewrite this and take another swing at it.

No.... it is what is now. I wouldn't have posted it if otherwise. I'd rather let it stay what it was meant to be and try out what other people suggest in an entirely new thought.

---

An elderly man

On a park bench he ponders

Just why he's sitting alone

And his mind wanders

He remembers days past

Now his lifes history

But why he's alone

Is still quite the mystery

He knows his heart is grand

And overflows with love

Yet still no companion

No angel from above

He'll feed his winged friends

And watch the children play

And wonder what a family does

At the end of its day

Hearing voices throughout the house

Family dinner made with care

He yearns to know what that's like

But life is often unfair

He's lived life with love

Showed nothing but kindness

Yet still no beauty to adore

As 20/20 sight turns to blindness

Inside he is so alone

Angry from a wasted life

Tears sometimes escape

Wanting children and a wife

But alone he shall die

No one at his side

Never becoming a father

And never taking a bride

Hello.
Whatever merits this piece may have in content is eroded away to nothing by the poor syntax,grammar and symptomatic capitalising of each line in a thwarted attempt at "being poetic". That's the hard line.
A more kindly critique would point out that centralising is pretty but pointless and the splitting of lines in to a form which makes the rhyme scheme XAXA XBXB is bizarre. Why do it?
On rhyme scheme, as is, the whole thing is painfully forced.
OK,OK. The desire is there. In the round, this is a "little" idea...nothing wrong with that...but if you try to make it more than it is you will pad it. Get a grip on the "essence" and write with precision, remembering all the while that you must inform the reader. As it stands, there is no "interest" because nothing hooks the attention. It is a homogeneous diatribe which actually asks more questions than it answers.
Nuff said in novice. Welcome.
Best,
tectak

Sorry it insulted ur definition of poetry in such ways. Thanks for the input though.

[YolaSm]

Lovely and simple! For me the message was loud and clear, sometimes life is unfair and loneliness accompanied with lack of accomplishment can be tough burdens, especially when you know you are running out of time and there are no chances left to turn your life around. For me, the last stanza was the strongest cause it vanished all hope. I agree with rayheinrich though... the connection between the reader and the man was poor. I think that it'd be interesting if the poetic speaker had a small dialogue with the man to reinforce the connection of the reader and the old man . I don't mean to say that you should add a dialogue though, it's just an idea!

"He's lived life with love
Showed nothing but kindness
Yet still no beauty to adore
As 20/20 sight turns to blindness"

"He's lived life with love" there is an alliteration of the word "L" in this line which serves no purpose for me. "Yet still no beauty to adore", I think that this line was awkward and forced to accomplish rhyme which made me stutter while reading it. In terms of meaning, I believe that virtues like love and kindness come in contrast with beauty and sight that are superficial things. There is the indication that because he has given love and kindness he should have been rewarded with beauty.

[Stateofmind]

Lovely and simple! For me the message was loud and clear, sometimes life is unfair and loneliness accompanied with lack of accomplishment can be tough burdens, especially when you know you are running out of time and there are no chances left to turn your life around. For me, the last stanza was the strongest cause it vanished all hope. I agree with rayheinrich though... the connection between the reader and the man was poor. I think that it'd be interesting if the poetic speaker had a small dialogue with the man to reinforce the connection of the reader and the old man . I don't mean to say that you should add a dialogue though, it's just an idea!

"He's lived life with love
Showed nothing but kindness
Yet still no beauty to adore
As 20/20 sight turns to blindness"

"He's lived life with love"  there is an alliteration of the word "L" in this line which serves no purpose for me. "Yet still no beauty to adore", I think that this line was awkward and forced to accomplish rhyme which made me stutter while reading it. In terms of meaning, I believe that virtues like love and kindness come in contrast with beauty and sight that are superficial things. There is the indication that because he has given love and kindness he should have been rewarded with beauty.

Thanks. I really like the idea of a dialogue between the old man in the poem and the reader of it. That was really awesome. And yeah... I actually meant for "beauty to adore" to refer to a beautiful woman. Who knows. .. maybe he's had his chances with other women who didn't live up to his idea of aesthetic beauty. .. and therefore his own punishment for his shallowness is to now reap the life that he's sewn.

[QDeathstar]

No.... it is what is now. I wouldn't have posted it if otherwise. I'd rather let it stay what it was meant to be and try out what other people suggest in an entirely new thought.

I think the subject matter is worth while enough to warrant an edit, you do realize this is a critique forum???


http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8674.html

[Stateofmind]

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8674.html

No.... it is what is now. I wouldn't have posted it if otherwise. I'd rather let it stay what it was meant to be and try out what other people suggest in an entirely new thought.

you do realize this is a critique forum???

Yeah lol. And the criticism is well received. I just don't care to really try to change what I think of as ...... a moment of my thoughts put into words (for lack of a better description). I've already left that moment. I'd rather try to use the critiques I've received in the next moment I choose to use for inspiration. 


http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8674.html

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http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8674.html

No.... it is what is now. I wouldn't have posted it if otherwise. I'd rather let it stay what it was meant to be and try out what other people suggest in an entirely new thought.

you do realize this is a critique forum???

Yeah lol. And the criticism is well received. I just don't care to really try to change what I think of as ...... a moment of my thoughts put into words (for lack of a better description). I've already left that moment. I'd rather try to use the critiques I've received in the next moment I choose to use for inspiration. 


http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8674.html

Thanks for the link. It was good read. I agree with most of it. So let me explain some more... it's the frame of mind that induced that particular piece. It will never be exactly the same again. To go back to it.... with the purpose of editing. .. after having already left the moment that created it as well as the frame of mind... is not to actually edit it. It's to give rise to an entirely different frame of mind. And the original moment becomes lost. I'm sure there's a better way of explaining what I'm trying to say. Forgive me for not finding it.

[ellajam]

I don't think you need to wait for "next time". If this is something you want to work with you could read the critiques for clues on how to edit or rewrite this and take another swing at it.

No.... it is what is now. I wouldn't have posted it if otherwise. I'd rather let it stay what it was meant to be and try out what other people suggest in an entirely new thought.

---

An elderly man

On a park bench he ponders

Just why he's sitting alone

And his mind wanders

He remembers days past

Now his lifes history

But why he's alone

Is still quite the mystery

He knows his heart is grand

And overflows with love

Yet still no companion

No angel from above

He'll feed his winged friends

And watch the children play

And wonder what a family does

At the end of its day

Hearing voices throughout the house

Family dinner made with care

He yearns to know what that's like

But life is often unfair

He's lived life with love

Showed nothing but kindness

Yet still no beauty to adore

As 20/20 sight turns to blindness

Inside he is so alone

Angry from a wasted life

Tears sometimes escape

Wanting children and a wife

But alone he shall die

No one at his side

Never becoming a father

And never taking a bride

Hello.
Whatever merits this piece may have in content is eroded away to nothing by the poor syntax,grammar and symptomatic capitalising of each line in a thwarted attempt at "being poetic". That's the hard line.
A more kindly critique would point out that centralising is pretty but pointless and the splitting of lines in to a form which makes the rhyme scheme XAXA XBXB is bizarre. Why do it?
On rhyme scheme, as is, the whole thing is painfully forced.
OK,OK. The desire is there. In the round, this is a "little" idea...nothing wrong with that...but if you try to make it more than it is you will pad it. Get a grip on the "essence" and write with precision, remembering all the while that you must inform the reader. As it stands, there is no "interest" because nothing hooks the attention. It is a homogeneous diatribe which actually asks more questions than it answers.
Nuff said in novice. Welcome.
Best,
tectak

Sorry it insulted ur definition of poetry in such ways. Thanks for the input though.

From the rules of this forum:
Post here if:
- you are prepared to accept advice and suggestions to edit your poem
- you intend to spend time commenting -- in as much detail as you are able -- on the posts of other members
- you have left at least one piece of feedback on someone elses poem for every poem you post


You are welcome to post in Misc if you have no intention of editing.
Thread closed.

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Thread closed