Hey guys this is one of my first attempts at a poem and I'd love any feedback remarks you guys have!
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.
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these are the hardest types of poetry to be honest with. as a first poem it's fine, but as a poem per say, it carries within, all that is deemed bad [by many] it has lots of cliche, it's overly cheesy, when i read it i see lots of different poems that i've read that have the same or similar lines.
the 2nd line is a good one, it's a decent image but it's buried under cliche
sweeter than honey
the ninth line feels like a mismacsh from a dylan thomas poem.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light: is almost the same as mathew 5:8 which ends with pure in heart.
it's all about beauty and soul and this and that and it's like you used every line you've ever remembered about these things and painted a pastiche with it. cut back on the phrase which go nowhere. try not to use abstract words; use words that can be related to to that can be seen;
you have the beauty of jam or are the handle of a screwdriver. many who are new to poetry will love this poem, those who have written and read a few will pass it by very quickly.
a suggestion would be to capture the essence of it and using three or four stanza/verse do an edit. [aim for originality over cliched poetics]
(10-08-2015, 11:22 AM)Phat Monkey Wrote: Hey guys this is one of my first attempts at a poem and I'd love any feedback remarks you guys have!
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.
Posts: 21
Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2015
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.
[/quote]
As a newbie to poetry myself, I can understand how making a poem in alll poetry sense but still keeping it new and interesting is challaging. I am learning in my college class that an instant turn off to poetry readers is an overworn cliche. Well, i feel like the poem was woven to the very fabric to clihes. I feel this poem is one that most public opinion of poetry is. Also I felt like the poem lacked geniune sinceirity. It felt overly lovey dovey to the point of where it makes it feel fabricated.
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On the first line you lost me... I was ready to move on... It reminded me of every bad vampire book and movie I had ever read or watched... The second line was workable and by the third I moved to the comments... But billy had a point; I went back and I went through it. As a first poem, the essence could be a workable poem... I wish you luck on your edits and hope you keep at it...
Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?
~Lao tzu
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
(10-08-2015, 11:22 AM)Phat Monkey Wrote: Hey guys this is one of my first attempts at a poem and I'd love any feedback remarks you guys have!
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life. This stanza is boring and cliche, fall into the grave isn't a unique enough image to salvage an excuse for this stanza. Cut it.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you, this is a vastly superior stanza, why not start here...
For there you will find her snare.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run? another weak stanza... "how can one when you" places the speaker outside the poem then he crashes back into it in the last three lines... also, why the switch to awkward phrasing all of a sudden, eg, whom shall... a little fancy, don't you think?
To you my lovely, filler, we get it, you said it already
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea; cliche, I've read this before
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own. wat?
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time. you what the entire time?
there are several good lines in here, and one, imo, complete stanza... keep editing.[/b]
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I am also a novice poet. Thanks for having courage to post your creation. I'll just give my own reaction to various lines in your poem, from the standpoint of the "common man" not well versed in poetry, as I am. Of course, my comments just describe my own subjective emotional responses. The comments I'm making describe my reactions as I first read your poem, stanza by stanza. At the end of my post, I'll make a final comment.
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
In your first stanza, I wondered if the second line were a metaphor for having sex with another, which I found interesting. And I liked the third line, describing emotional or spiritual union. The last two lines were a little jarring to me, having been soothed by your finding peace and then being confronted by your distress. I wondered if this described sex primarily as a tension release.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
I liked all the lines, except for the second, which was a little "syrupy" to me, and as such, stood out too much and interrupted the flow of your thoughts. If the same sentiment had been expressed using different words, I would have liked it better. I interpret this stanza as expressing caution in entering a relationship. My favorite line is the fourth.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
I interpret this stanza as one having mixed feelings about a relationship, being strongly drawn to it, yet being afraid of it at the same time. I would have preferred your using "when" instead of "where" in the second line, because, to me, it takes away from the contrast between "you are far gone" and "it consumes my soul," which I think is your point here.
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
I like the third and fourth lines. To me, the fifth line would have been better related to the fourth line had it been expressed in "ocean terms," something like "My heart finds me adrift in your waves."
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To me, the last two lines describe, finally, what you are looking for in a/the relationship. The second and third lines were a bit of a repetition of thoughts in the last stanza, and I glossed over them, especially the second, which was somewhat overblown, to me.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
In this stanza, your punctuation bothered me a bit, for some reason. This would not have been the case had you used commas after lines two and four.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.
The last two lines were great, the "punch line," as it were. I think I would have preferred "Now" instead of "Yet" in the last line, indicating that it was the conclusion you had reached after your "soul searching." The last two lines prompted me to go back and reread the whole poem from a different perspective. Finally I think I know what you mean by "grave" in your first stanza. The second two lines were a little bit too reminiscent of Lau Tzu's "Tao Te Ching," but perhaps relevant, because you talk about the emotional polarities that each of us carries inside and tries to reconcile. I think you deal with a very difficult subject here and I think you did an excellent job. I think your poem might have been more effective had it been condensed some and flowed more FORCEFULLY from the beginning to the end. I'd love to see a revised version, incorporating all the feedback that you've received in this thread, if you feel that any of the feedback is relevant to you, of course.
Sincerely,
Larry B. 
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
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Threads: 466
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Fair work, but modern, Victorian, or even Biblical times or not, this does have a bit too much cheese for good taste, and this lacks in structure, in style, in smooth smooth panache. Comments:
(10-08-2015, 11:22 AM)Phat Monkey Wrote: Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being. Good to repeat ideas in different words, actually, or at least that's a style I'm getting used to, reading the Bible and all. But for one, the Bible never did it thrice in a row, always twice, and these three starters seem like it, though aren't: Change the words of the second line, and for a bit of modern taste, temper your words.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life. Again, good to repeat, but another thing the Bible tends to do is repeat with concretes, with actual images, rather than even vaguer abstractions. Not "torn by the rigors of life", no, but "torn" by something else, the wolves of the night, the children of Babylon, some thing else. But two notes: when you repeat, use things that are actually tied together; random images obviously won't make high sense. And, at least for again a good bit of modern taste, try to think outside of the box for your images: no "neck is like a tower" perhaps, but, er, "like the Empire State" or something.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light And what is the point of the allusion to the gospels here?
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey. "Most delicate" is not "sweeter". The overabundance of detail here is plainly inexcusable.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare. Further still, what is the point of this whole set of bland, bland proverbs here? The beauty of Solomon's song is that he never strayed from the point: whatever wisdom is to be gotten from his work there, he assumes his readers will be smart enough to figure out. If I recall right, it's one of the few books in the Book of Books that's barely a mention of the tetragram.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul? Either you don't actually have to repeat every single sentiment you have, or my memopry isn't that well with my Psalms and Isaiahs.
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run? This is getting too abstract: it's starting to lose any sense, poetic or proverbial.
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind. But the cloying sensibility of these sentiments are rather endearing. The headers for these past two stanzas feel superfluous, while the stop with the myth of the metals here feels just plain wrong: again, no unnecessary explicits in Solomon's song.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time. And you lost me. Plus, most of the images here pretty much break from one of the chief rules with this sort of thing, which is to tie every symbol together: even the Bible as a whole volume has that sort of sense, even when it seems like it doesn't. This is just a pastiche, and that could be commendable, if the pastiche recognized its ridiculousness.
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