ZacharyTwedell
Unregistered
Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back.
It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved.
An edit after being on the site awhile.
Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------
Take heed, there's a thief amongst us.
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff.
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us.
He'll come over no announce.
Show himself into the house.
Sit beside you on the couch.
Keeping tabs on your spouse.
You go ride into town.
He's with you in the car.
Knows wherever you are.
So, he'll never be far.
He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by.
Knows, you've been praying at night,
smiling bright.Your trying to live right.
When just one week ago.
You were all at the dive.
Where you drank till five.
Barely getting back alive.
So now, he schemes and plots.
He'll have you back in distraught.
Stirring up some trouble steadfast.
Bothers him more, with time pass.
He needs to have you back.
Before you become to adapt.
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react.
He'll fight for you back till you die.
Won't stop no matter what you try.
No action will be able to ditch him.
He's owner of the world you live in.
He'll bring the fight right to your door.
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
-=Original=-
Thief Amongst Us
-------------------------------
There's a thief amongst us,
He's not looking for valuables, or junk stuff,
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us,
He'll come to your house,
Sit beside you on the couch,
He'll keep tabs on your spouse,
Ride into town, he's with you in the car, wherever you are, he's never to far,
He's a spy, wants to know why, the bar, liquor store, you've not been by,
Also you've been praying at night, your face is bright, and trying to live right,
Just a week ago, you were at the dive, drunk till about five,
He's never seen you so alive,
So now he'll scheme and plot, to get you back in distraught,
Stir trouble steadfast, he's more bothered as seconds pass,
He needs you back, before you become to adapt, or worse, your faith might attract, and a person react,
He'll fight for you back till you die, he won't stop, no matter what you try,
No action will be able to ditch him, he owns the world you live in,
He'll bring the fight right to your door,
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, Zachery, it's obvious from your first edit that you've been putting effort in. First I just want to address the content. The devil's coming to get us, it's a pretty common topic and I think you would have to put some kind of twist, use some interesting metaphor or other poetic device to make me want to read it. One thought is maybe if the narrator wrote from his own point of view instead of about "you" you could put some fire into this. I'll point out a few spots below where it seems you've used a wrong word or inverted - twisted the sentence in an unnatural way to force the rhyme.
(10-05-2015, 08:53 AM)ZacharyTwedell Wrote: Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back.
It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved.
An edit after being on the site awhile.
Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------
Take heed, there's a thief amongst us.
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff.
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us.
He'll come over no announce. He'll come with no announcement.
Show himself into the house.
Sit beside you on the couch.
Keeping tabs on your spouse.
You go ride into town.
He's with you in the car.
Knows wherever you are.
So, he'll never be far.
He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by. Inversion
Knows, you've been praying at night,
smiling bright.Your trying to live right. You're
When just one week ago.
You were all at the dive.
Where you drank till five.
Barely getting back alive. These are sentence fragments, you could join them together.
So now, he schemes and plots.
He'll have you back in distraught. In distress
Stirring up some trouble steadfast. I don't know what "trouble steadfast" means.
Bothers him more, with time pass.
He needs to have you back.
Before you become to adapt. become to adapt is off.
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react. I'm not sure what these two lines mean.
He'll fight for you back till you die. He'll fight to have you back
Won't stop no matter what you try.
No action will be able to ditch him.
He's owner of the world you live in.
He'll bring the fight right to your door.
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
I hope this helps and that you enjoy the site.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Ok so this is just my first opinions after going through your poem. Basically I feel like you were putting a lot of emphasis on making sure everything rhymed, and although rhyming is a cool thing to do in poetry I feel as though your piece doesn't flow organically or you give up using the perfect word for a good word that rhymes, which can really hurt the piece. I'd say focus more on some nonrhythmic poetry and see where that takes you and then come back and try a few more rhythmic ones.
Overall it was enjoyable piece, but for me it just didn't flow eloquently.
I agree that your piece would be more effective if you forfeited the rhyme in exchange for depth. Nearly ever line is a rhyme/slant rhyme with the previous which creates a sing-songy type flow. Unless you're intentionally trying to clash the rhyme scheme with the subject of the poem, I think you might find it helpful to take out a few rhymes; perhaps try rhyming every other line or something to that effect. All together though, your point comes across pretty concisely. I can definitely see the effort you've put into your work, keep it up.
Posts: 14
Threads: 3
Joined: Nov 2015
I would *love* to see this piece written with imagery taking precedence over rhyme. You've got a great premise, but I think the rhyming is interrupting the message. (In my opinion, rhyming isn't what makes poetry, emotion and clarity are.)
You're describing the behavior of this being, and how it relates to one's every day life, but to me it reads more like a series of bits of information, or a script. It seems to lack purpose until the very end. Maybe elaborate on what it feels like to have this being lurking insidiously.
I really like how his desperation becomes evident in the second half of the piece, I can see him grappling, I can feel a sense of doom. The ending line is really a kicker, but I think it would be instrumental to have a bit more build up in the lines leading up to it.
Looking forward to seeing what else you come up with. Keep up the good work 
reverentpain
Unregistered
(10-05-2015, 08:53 AM)ZacharyTwedell Wrote: Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back.
It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved.
An edit after being on the site awhile.
Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------
Take heed, there's a thief amongst us.
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff.
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us.
He'll come over no announce.
Show himself into the house.
Sit beside you on the couch.
Keeping tabs on your spouse.
You go ride into town.
He's with you in the car.
Knows wherever you are.
So, he'll never be far.
He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by.
Knows, you've been praying at night,
smiling bright.Your trying to live right.
When just one week ago.
You were all at the dive.
Where you drank till five.
Barely getting back alive.
So now, he schemes and plots.
He'll have you back in distraught.
Stirring up some trouble steadfast.
Bothers him more, with time pass.
He needs to have you back.
Before you become to adapt.
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react.
He'll fight for you back till you die.
Won't stop no matter what you try.
No action will be able to ditch him.
He's owner of the world you live in.
He'll bring the fight right to your door.
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
-=Original=-
Thief Amongst Us
-------------------------------
There's a thief amongst us,
He's not looking for valuables, or junk stuff,
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us,
He'll come to your house,
Sit beside you on the couch,
He'll keep tabs on your spouse,
Ride into town, he's with you in the car, wherever you are, he's never to far,
He's a spy, wants to know why, the bar, liquor store, you've not been by,
Also you've been praying at night, your face is bright, and trying to live right,
Just a week ago, you were at the dive, drunk till about five,
He's never seen you so alive,
So now he'll scheme and plot, to get you back in distraught,
Stir trouble steadfast, he's more bothered as seconds pass,
He needs you back, before you become to adapt, or worse, your faith might attract, and a person react,
He'll fight for you back till you die, he won't stop, no matter what you try,
No action will be able to ditch him, he owns the world you live in,
He'll bring the fight right to your door,
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
When reading this, I find myself wondering what the inspiration was for this poem. Do you feel like the Devil is at your door? Do you feel that he is at everyone's door? I enjoyed the pattern of it back and forth between long lines and short. I wonder if, however, it would sound put together when read out loud? Maybe trying and even it out, stick with a more general pattern. Also, in your poem, you use the word "your" twice. "Your" is a possessive word (your house, your hand, your thoughts...). It would be better suited if you used the contraction "you're" (you are) in place (you're a great writer, you're in college, you're sitting down...). If you read it out, and it sounds like "you are" would fit the sentence as well as "you're", then the contraction is the one you want. As another commenter noted, I can see a lot of progress between the two pieces, so keep going, you are definitely headed in the right direction! Keep up with these interesting pieces. Probably because I'm so new to poetry, I'm used to poetry on love and pain, and personal experiences. To me, this piece was like a story, I had a running image in my head. I enjoyed that immensely.
brokenhearted workoholic
Unregistered
(10-05-2015, 08:53 AM)ZacharyTwedell Wrote: Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back.
It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved.
An edit after being on the site awhile.
Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------
Take heed, there's a thief amongst us.
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff.
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us. weak rhyme
He'll come over no announce.
Show himself into the house. same thing said twice
Sit beside you on the couch.
Keeping tabs on your spouse.
You go ride into town.
He's with you in the car.
Knows wherever you are.
So, he'll never be far.
He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by.
Knows, you've been praying at night,
smiling bright.Your trying to live right.
When just one week ago.
You were all at the dive.
Where you drank till five.
Barely getting back alive.
So now, he schemes and plots.
He'll have you back in distraught.
Stirring up some trouble steadfast.
Bothers him more, with time pass.
He needs to have you back.
Before you become to adapt.
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react.
He'll fight for you back till you die.
Won't stop no matter what you try.
No action will be able to ditch him.
He's owner of the world you live in.
He'll bring the fight right to your door.
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
I feel that to you if there is a poem to be written it ought to be rhyme.
There is nothing wrong with that but reading something that goes in and out of rhyming pattern
can present a great deal of difficulty to a reader.
You either rhyme or you don't.
Also instead of telling how the thief is doing it , show..
give an example , something that will stick .
What is it that you may know about the thief that general population does not,
share that and turn your poem if not to impressive ,at least into informative
and thus beneficial to reader.
Posts: 35
Threads: 6
Joined: Feb 2016
(10-05-2015, 08:53 AM)ZacharyTwedell Wrote: Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back.
It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved.
An edit after being on the site awhile.
Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------
Take heed, there's a thief amongst us.
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff.
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us.
He'll come over no announce.
Show himself into the house.
Sit beside you on the couch.
Keeping tabs on your spouse.
You go ride into town.
He's with you in the car.
Knows wherever you are.
So, he'll never be far.
He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by.
Knows, you've been praying at night,
smiling bright.Your trying to live right.
When just one week ago.
You were all at the dive.
Where you drank till five.
Barely getting back alive.
So now, he schemes and plots.
He'll have you back in distraught.
Stirring up some trouble steadfast.
Bothers him more, with time pass.
He needs to have you back.
Before you become to adapt.
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react.
He'll fight for you back till you die.
Won't stop no matter what you try.
No action will be able to ditch him.
He's owner of the world you live in.
He'll bring the fight right to your door.
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
-=Original=-
Thief Amongst Us
-------------------------------
There's a thief amongst us,
He's not looking for valuables, or junk stuff,
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us,
He'll come to your house,
Sit beside you on the couch,
He'll keep tabs on your spouse,
Ride into town, he's with you in the car, wherever you are, he's never to far,
He's a spy, wants to know why, the bar, liquor store, you've not been by,
Also you've been praying at night, your face is bright, and trying to live right,
Just a week ago, you were at the dive, drunk till about five,
He's never seen you so alive,
So now he'll scheme and plot, to get you back in distraught,
Stir trouble steadfast, he's more bothered as seconds pass,
He needs you back, before you become to adapt, or worse, your faith might attract, and a person react,
He'll fight for you back till you die, he won't stop, no matter what you try,
No action will be able to ditch him, he owns the world you live in,
He'll bring the fight right to your door,
Gear up soldier, your now at war.
It's clear how much time you've put in to this and you've got so much to build on! As a reader, I love poems that pull me in to an experience or an emotion. With this subject matter, I feel there's ample room to do that. As it stands, it reads more like a Sunday morning sermon or a speech. Something coming at you from outside instead of stirring something within you. Adding in some descriptors, or some sensory visuals might help to increase the readers connection to the material. I wonder if tapping into the perspective of the person under attack would be an interesting switch, the pull of temptation or the relief of forgiveness, something that would open the door for a personal connection with the reader.
Hi Zachary. I like this poem but I think you are trying to portray Satan being a inevitable in our average daily life. I think you should let the poem flow together to portray how Satan is not just 'here' but is actually doing something or if he is or is not. Is Satan strong enough or not?
"He'll come over no announce.
Show himself into the house.
Sit beside you on the couch.
Keeping tabs on your spouse."
Satan may be amogst us but what is his impact and significance to us?
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2016
Hi I would like to say as im very new to poetry, when i read more it opens eyes and based on others feedback helps me learn more through others so big thanks to posting your poem,
my question is is this based on self confidence / paranoia someone is out to get you? that is sort of the vibe i get from it?
Posts: 12
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2016
I would love to read the poem as is. Telling me that it's about Satan will restrict my view.
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us. - Could you break this into 2 lines might sound better also the rhyming seems forced.
|
