Elevator to the Moon

[Weeded]

Edit 3:

Imagine if you will,
a busy doctor in his white lab coat
floating vertically in a chrome hovercar.
It's got shiny knobs but most leave it alone
and let the autopilot roll, but this doctor
wanted to play; at 30,000 feet his muscles
freeze. He's forced to stop and breathe.
Irritating the drivers behind him,
cockpits crack open; obscenities close the show.

Then,
not far, there was steel upon steel upon steel
cascading upwards to the point you might feel
vertigo at level ground; path to the Heavens
to the blind eye. Levitating check-in kiosks
suggest otherwise. The busy doctor was still
manually engaging air. He took a turn too close,
and directly struck the reinforced tramway
(in fact not steel, but carbon nanotubes).
He was killed instantly, a terrible tragedy.

I saw it all,
on level ground, looked on as the scene transpired.
Debris rained down but never met asphalt.
Too many buildings, skystreets and airways
consuming the Earths lid.
I left the window to meet the same tattered
room... Faded green wallpaper blended with wood rot,
crusty carpet older than my grandfather's watch,
nothing but a chair and HDTV settled.
A vicious jet-black rat is my only company.
This is tomorrow's today.

Edit 2:

Imagine if you will,
a busy doctor in his white lab coat
floating vertically in a chrome hovercar.
It's got shiny knobs but most leave it alone
and let the autopilot roll. But this doctor
wanted to play; at 30,000 feet his muscles
freeze. He's forced to stop and breathe.
Irritating the drivers behind him,
cockpits crack open; obscenities close the show.

And then,
not far, there was steel upon steel upon steel
cascading upwards to the point you might feel
vertigo at level ground; path to the Heavens
to the blind eye. The busy doctor was still
manually engaging air. He took a turn too close,
and directly struck the reinforced tramway
(in fact not steel, but carbon nanotubes).
He was killed instantly, a terrible tragedy.
This is tomorrow's today.

I saw it all,
on level ground, looked on as the scene dissolved.
Debris rained down but never met asphalt.
Too many buildings, skystreets and airways
consuming the Earths lid.
I left the window to meet the same tattered
room... Faded green wallpaper blended with wood rot,
crusty carpet older than my grandfather's watch,
nothing but a chair and hdtv settled.
A vicious jet-black rat is my only company.
This is tomorrow's today.

Edit 1:

Imagine if you will,
a busy doctor in his white lab coat
floating vertically in a chrome hovercar.
It's got knobs to press but most leave it alone
and let the autopilot roll. But this doctor
wanted to play; at 30,000 feet his muscles
freeze. He's forced to stop and breathe.
Irritating drivers behind(most likely his employees),
cockpits crack open; obscenities close the show.
This is tomorrow's today.

And then,
not far, there was steel upon steel upon steel
cascading upwards to the point you might feel
vertigo at level ground; A path to the Heavens
to the blind eye. The busy doctor was still
manually engaging air. He took a turn too close,
and directly struck the reinforced tramway
(in fact not steel, but carbon nanotubes).
He was killed instantly, a terrible tragedy.
This is tomorrow's today.

Now,
the sudden crashing sound may bring fear to some,
it did to me; I was busy sitting, staring at
a vicious jet-black rat across a tattered room when
the sound pierced my ear; I jumped, still staring
at the vicious jet-black rat, who failed to flinch.
I let it lay an feast on old bedsheets; perhaps it let me
lay as I wonder why? Oh why did they neglect
us on the ground floor, and build on the top floor?
This is tomorrow's today.



Original

Elevator to the Moon

Imagine if you will,

A doctor in his white lab coat

floating on a chrome waterless boat,

impeding the flow of vertical traffic.

Cockpits cracking ajar; obscenities

throwing the air away like oil of today,

this is tomorrow's today.

Imagine if you will,

Steel upon steel upon steel.

Cascading upwards

to the point you might feel

vertigo at level ground; a path to the Heavens?

No. An elevator to the moon.

In fact it's not steel, but carbon nanotubes.

Imagine if you will,

A vicious jet black rat,

grown plump enough to eat a cat

from all the excess waste; let it lay an feast

as I sit across from it, wondering why?

Oh why did they have to build into the sky?

May the rich neglect the poor, for this is tomorrow's today.

[rowens]

The first four lines of the first stanza, the first five of the second, the first four of the third come off better than the rest. Maybe cut or add something. The fifth line of the first stanza works well too if connected with something better.

[Weeded]

Am I Not
Thanks for the feedback, if you have any questions regarding feedback (like I still do) feel free to check out the thread regarding feedback http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=17758&pid=197561#pid197561
I've also been told a great way to learn about giving feedback is to read others responses in the workshops. Glad you like it though.



Rowens
Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on a edit and post again later.

[milo]

Am I Not
Thanks for the feedback, if you have any questions regarding feedback (like I still do) feel free to check out the thread regarding feedback http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=17758&pid=197561#pid197561
I've also been told a great way to learn about giving feedback is to read others responses in the workshops. Glad you like it though.



Rowens
Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on a edit and post again later.

There was a thread ella posted that compiled some pretty good tips for learning feedback, hopefully she will happen along and post a link to it soon . . .

critique tips (you're welcome. /ella)

And, for my OB feedback (this being a critical forum and all)

I loved the idea of an elevator to the moon - I think the concept is great.  I don't think the execution was as great.  The center justification bothered me from the get go as well as the repeated "imagine if you will"'s.  Also, there was too much nonsense included that I couldn't make sense of at all (chrome waterless boat?)

Anyway, good luck with it.

[Weeded]

Milo,

Thanks for the feedback. I chose the center justification  due to the fact I ignored form, meter, basically all technical aspects in this one. I was hoping the center justification might give it the appearance of structure. Also, due to the lack of structure I put the "Imagine" line in an effort to bring structure as well. The chrome waterless boat was my attempt to describe a hovercar.

This attempt was really half-assed; I'm not gonna lie. I read this article on elevators to the moon and I was so inspired I just started writing and posted without editing. I'll continue editing an post again.

[skadragon]

I see great possibility with this. Plus, I love the space elevator idea! I have for years. I know you went for no specific poetic structure but I think it could use more consistency in a revision. For instance the last stanza seems bloated and sorta drags. The bright, fantastic feel is gone. I'd also suggest brainstorming some other ideas to merge into this one. Something that could give it a hint of story or a transition maybe.

[Weeded]

Ska
I took your story idea into consideration on edit 1, thanks for the feedback!

[Noydian Slip]

The last stanza here really threw me for a loop. I thought this was a bit of a condemnation of technological dependency. However, the last stanza makes me think of it more as a division of class, like the serf is being resentful of the lord they work beneath. It reads like a "chapter two" to the first two stanzas because it doesn't come across as being hypothetical, instead seeming like the narrator is waking up from a dream, or a teacher terminating the story to bring their point full circle. I very much enjoy the story of the doctor, and I understand that his death requires a jump to a different central character/idea. I would actually love to see a fourth stanza in the same POV as the third. I want to know more about this narrator, I want to know if they're in this world that the doctor resided in, or if they're where the teacher I perceived as the speaker is. For the actual text and layout, I have few complaints. Vocabulary and delivery are solid throughout. In the 8th line of the first stanza "irritating" is missing the "t". In the third stanza "jet-black" is hyphenated, then non-hyphenated. In the 8th line of the third stanza, the narrator's question starts with "Oh why". That seems like a bit of an archaic way for a person to use "Oh" as the opener to a question, though maybe that irony is purposeful? I'm not sure. All in all, a very enjoyable work. Thank you!

[Weeded]

Noydian

Thanks for the feedback, it's been extremely helpful. I'm still debating after reading your comment whether or not I want to add a fourth stanza. I feel like the poems a bit wordy, so to add a fourth might make it unnecessary in length, especially if I can express what I want in three.

As far as your interpretation you're correct; I wanted to express how the middle-upper class will advance through technology, while the lower class will actually decrease in terms of living standards, especially after the priority of resources will be focused on the next technological boom of the century.

As for the POV I messed that up when writing the story into the first edit. The first two stanzas are third person omniscient, whereas the third stanza is first person. I also realized that a person inside a building at level floor probably wouldn't hear an explosive crash at 30,000 ft. I understand how that could come off as a bit forceful, I imagine I'm going to have to rewrite the majority of that last bit. As far as the grammatical errors I thank you, those will be fixed right now.

Oh and the archaism is intentional. Its meant to show that as technology advances there is a class of society that will simultaneously become more primitive and barbaric as the division of class becomes more and more extreme.

[elviaje26]

we need more than a one liner when it comes to feedback in the three main poetry forums. please have a look at the rules/guide in the help section and the welcome letter./mod

I felt like the last stanza was a bit blocky and could possibly use a bit sharpness to it. Something like the vivid imagery above.

[Weeded]

Thanks for the feedback elvia, I followed your advice and kept with the imagery like in the first 2 stanzas

[Noydian Slip]

On Edit #2: The third stanza is much more cohesive with the rest of the poem now, well done!

The removal of "This is tomorrow's today." from the first stanza actually doesn't feel quite right to me now. I reckon it should be a unifying line on each stanza, or happen just once on the closing stanza.

In line 5 of the first stanza, "...let the autopilot roll. But this doctor...", would possibly read better as "...let the autopilot roll, but this doctor...", because starting a sentence with a conjunction seems odd to me. Same thing happens with the first line of the second stanza. Though, if I'm honest, that's more of my personal taste in reading than anything else.

In line 2 of the third stanza, I wonder of "dissolved" is the right word to use. It indicates that the action is dissipating or going away, only to be reasserted in the very next line with the debris coming down.

In line 9 of the last stanza, "hdtv" hung me up a bit. I've never seen it without capital letters (usually as Hdtv or HDTV), so I was expecting an entirely different word in lieu of the acronym. Maybe straight-up calling it a "high definition television" would help.

I also think there's supposed to be an apostrophe on "Earths" to make it "Earth's"...I think. Maybe. Don't quote me on that.

Tightening up the jet-black rat segment to one line was very beneficial to the ending of the poem. It seems more succinct and direct, like the narrator is more indifferent to the state of the world as opposed to in contempt. It's a fine last image to leave the reader with.

I hope these nitpicks don't project as disdain for the work, I'm very much enjoying this poem as it grows!

[Weeded]

Hello again,

Your feedback has been spot-on, well done.

I understand what you're saying about the recurring line, I decided to keep it as the ending line, hoping it might have more of an effect.

It's funny, I read the two lines you mentioned quite a few times, wondering why they didn't sound right. I now know not to start a sentence on conjunctions ha. Thanks for the tip.

I switched out 'dissolved' for 'transpired' after your insight. It makes sense.

Yeahh I wasn't sure about the apostrophe in Earths either. I went ahead and tacked it on just in case.

Thanks again for rereading and continuing to provide your insights. Your criticism has proven to be most constructive.

Mike

[ZacharyTwedell]

Edit 3:

Imagine if you will,
a busy doctor in his white lab coat
floating vertically in a chrome hovercar.
It's got shiny knobs but most leave it alone
and let the autopilot roll, but this doctor
wanted to play; at 30,000 feet his muscles
freeze. He's forced to stop and breathe.
Irritating the drivers behind him,
cockpits crack open; obscenities close the show.

Then,
not far, there was steel upon steel upon steel
cascading upwards to the point you might feel
vertigo at level ground; path to the Heavens
to the blind eye. Levitating check-in kiosks
suggest otherwise. The busy doctor was still
manually engaging air. He took a turn too close,
and directly struck the reinforced tramway
(in fact not steel, but carbon nanotubes).
He was killed instantly, a terrible tragedy.

I saw it all,
on level ground, looked on as the scene transpired.
Debris rained down but never met asphalt.
Too many buildings, skystreets and airways
consuming the Earths lid.
I left the window to meet the same tattered
room... Faded green wallpaper blended with wood rot,
crusty carpet older than my grandfather's watch,
nothing but a chair and HDTV settled.
A vicious jet-black rat is my only company.
This is tomorrow's today.

Edit 2:

Imagine if you will,
a busy doctor in his white lab coat
floating vertically in a chrome hovercar.
It's got shiny knobs but most leave it alone
and let the autopilot roll. But this doctor
wanted to play; at 30,000 feet his muscles
freeze. He's forced to stop and breathe.
Irritating the drivers behind him,
cockpits crack open; obscenities close the show.

And then,
not far, there was steel upon steel upon steel
cascading upwards to the point you might feel
vertigo at level ground; path to the Heavens
to the blind eye. The busy doctor was still
manually engaging air. He took a turn too close,
and directly struck the reinforced tramway
(in fact not steel, but carbon nanotubes).
He was killed instantly, a terrible tragedy.
This is tomorrow's today.

I saw it all,
on level ground, looked on as the scene dissolved.
Debris rained down but never met asphalt.
Too many buildings, skystreets and airways
consuming the Earths lid.
I left the window to meet the same tattered
room... Faded green wallpaper blended with wood rot,
crusty carpet older than my grandfather's watch,
nothing but a chair and hdtv settled.
A vicious jet-black rat is my only company.
This is tomorrow's today.

Edit 1:

Imagine if you will,
a busy doctor in his white lab coat
floating vertically in a chrome hovercar.
It's got knobs to press but most leave it alone
and let the autopilot roll. But this doctor
wanted to play; at 30,000 feet his muscles
freeze. He's forced to stop and breathe.
Irritating drivers behind(most likely his employees),
cockpits crack open; obscenities close the show.
This is tomorrow's today.

And then,
not far, there was steel upon steel upon steel
cascading upwards to the point you might feel
vertigo at level ground; A path to the Heavens
to the blind eye. The busy doctor was still
manually engaging air. He took a turn too close,
and directly struck the reinforced tramway
(in fact not steel, but carbon nanotubes).
He was killed instantly, a terrible tragedy.
This is tomorrow's today.

Now,
the sudden crashing sound may bring fear to some,
it did to me; I was busy sitting, staring at
a vicious jet-black rat across a tattered room when
the sound pierced my ear; I jumped, still staring
at the vicious jet-black rat, who failed to flinch.
I let it lay an feast on old bedsheets; perhaps it let me
lay as I wonder why? Oh why did they neglect
us on the ground floor, and build on the top floor?
This is tomorrow's today.



Original

Elevator to the Moon

Imagine if you will,

A doctor in his white lab coat

floating on a chrome waterless boat,

impeding the flow of vertical traffic.

Cockpits cracking ajar; obscenities

throwing the air away like oil of today,

this is tomorrow's today.

Imagine if you will,

Steel upon steel upon steel.

Cascading upwards

to the point you might feel

vertigo at level ground; a path to the Heavens?

No. An elevator to the moon.

In fact it's not steel, but carbon nanotubes.

Imagine if you will,

A vicious jet black rat,

grown plump enough to eat a cat

from all the excess waste; let it lay an feast

as I sit across from it, wondering why?

Oh why did they have to build into the sky?

May the rich neglect the poor, for this is tomorrow's today.

First and foremost lets take a look at how through edit after edit this poem is transformed. This shows the progress which is made, and I personally feel it helps the writer and prompts for a better review, and advice establishment. I like that you've done this. The poem itself, has the futuristic vibe which seems to collide back to reality towards the end. A spin I feel would've been better left out, the spark left me, as the future did in a sense. The description of the tramway seemed pointless also.  It's story was still overall intriguing, with a believable future setting. I look forward to another. Continue to write, as will the rest.

[Weeded]

Zachary,

Thanks for the feedback. I very much enjoyed the way this poem grew, if not for the crit it would still be the not-so-intriguing original I scribbled in my notebook. I'm afraid the last stanza is the result of my cynical outlook towards the future, I worry if I change it to adhere to the futuristic-ness of the first two stanzas it will come off as fake. I just have this lingering worry that as technology advances civility will diminish in lower class as consumerism becomes more and more dominant. Hm, maybe I can brainstorm and find a better way to get my point across however...
May I ask which lines you felt to be pointless? It would definitely help in the next edit.

Thanks for reading!