Eulogy

[heslopian]

Remember me not through some shallow priest,
Throw me not to the flames like a big pot of yeast,
Don't leave me on a mantelpiece between two plastic trees,
I want to rest with dignity, not flutter in the breeze.
Decay is not so terrible, but re-assuring, friend;
To feel my body melt away, no longer hurt, or mend,
Sounds beautiful beyond what this verse can express,
So lock me in the loving earth, and let my soul regress.

[billy]

Sounds beautiful beyond what this verse can express,

needs two more syls for me, makes the piece jump to much.

content wise, this was my fave line;

Don't leave me on a mantelpiece between two plastic trees

other than that i found it a little forced. i think it needs a strong edit to make it feel modern and less cheesy (jmho)

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Billy The poem was based on this one by Pam Ayres: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=11739. No doubt why it seems forced; I've never been great with rhyming verse, or the archaic style, the latter of which I was aiming for in this piece.

I agree that the "This verse can express" line disrupts the meter, though I thought it was because it was too long, and maybe needed a comma to divide it up
Thanks for complimenting the "plastic trees" line; that was my favourite too, alongside "loving earth."

[lizzyrose12]

Wow, I must say your poems really impress me! I've read many and I'm not use to reading modern poetry but I really like this! I don't see a lot to ctitic here, but good job!

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback, Billy The poem was based on this one by Pam Ayres: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=11739. No doubt why it seems forced; I've never been great with rhyming verse, or the archaic style, the latter of which I was aiming for in this piece.

I agree that the "This verse can express" line disrupts the meter, though I thought it was because it was too long, and maybe needed a comma to divide it up
Thanks for complimenting the "plastic trees" line; that was my favourite too, alongside "loving earth."

i can picture ayres in my mind and she had lots of emphasis on the pause.
how about if you do some enjambment that would help the read to pause where she does that long pause for effect, ie;

Remember me
not through some shallow priest,
Throw me not to the flames
like a big pot of yeast,
Don't leave me on a mantelpiece between two plastic trees,
I want to rest with dignity,
not flutter in the breeze.
Decay is not so terrible,
but re-assuring, friend;
To feel my body melt away,
no longer hurt, or mend,
Sounds beautiful beyond what this verse
can express,
So lock me in the loving earth,
and let my soul regress.

read my ideas on receiving critique before you lynch me :hystericl:

[heslopian]

Your re-structuring of my original verse does hold water, and the flow is very good, but I think I prefer my original form (don't you lynch me now) It just seems cleaner to me. Though, like I said, your version is very good, and the line breaks are strong (except, if I were to do it your way, I'd make one after "mantelpiece," and "beyond").

[billy]

hehe.
and thats the way to reply when you hate someone else restructuring of your work

i do like it as it is jack.

back to the meter;

10 Re mem ber me not through some shall ow priest,
12 Throw me not to the flames like a big pot of yeast,
14 Don't leave me on a man tel piece be tween two plas tic trees,
13 I want to rest with dig nity, not flut ter in the breeze.
13 De cay is not so terr ible, but re-ass ur ing, friend;
14 To feel my bod y melt a way, no lon ger hurt, or mend,
12 Sounds beau ti ful be yond what this verse can ex press,
14 So lock me in the lov ing earth, and let my soul re gress.

i take back what i said about the meter,

something's is wrong for me but i can't work out where.
maybe because it's not iambic (short long, short long, syls etc)

[heslopian]

Yeah, my measuring of metrical feet is complete bollocks; like I've said previously, I'll just read one line, and then read the next, and if it flows in my head I'll leave it. I think I've tried iambic pentameter before, but it was too difficult.