Plunge

[Jezie]

Okay so a few weeks of walking away and back and still...
Edit 3:

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call.


I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess...

Edit 2:

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
dawn's warmth peeks over the fence,
watching the ripples cross the surface.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge would be icy,
the discomforts of a hard change,
until the burn of exhaustion eases the strains,
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction;
if only she is willing to deceive.



Edit 1:

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

Orginal:

She stands, all but bare.
Watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead of her.  

The plunge is icy,
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

[just mercedes]

Hi Jezie - I like the idea of the tension in the moment before action. Your poem runs on two layers at once, one real and one metaphorical,  which I like. My main problem here is with your punctuation and capital letters. You're not consistent with either.


She stands, all but bare. No period here - comma would carry the thought forward
Watching the ripples across the surface.  No capital letter on watching - otherwise you have an isolated fragment
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  Same - the period here makes the next lines a fragment. A comma
Reminding her of decisions gone by,               and no capital letter on reminding would fix this.
much like the one ahead of her.  Needed?

The plunge is icy, Will be / would be, as she hasn't yet made it
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her. again, will/would run
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

A few lines of blank space, to set the poem apart from your signature, would help too.

[peacejazzspirit]

She stands, all but bare.
Watching the ripples across the surface.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead of her.

The plunge is icy,
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

Hi Jezie,
I like this poem very much... the daunting decision looming over the head of the protagonist... but the first two lines, I think, are a bit vague. Give more details--does she stand rigidly, or is she relaxed? Are the ripples on the surface which she's staring at ripples on water, ripples of a smile gracing someone's face, or something else entirely? I would insert "but" at the beginning of the second line of the second stanza, to better contradict the icy plunge and the burn of exhaustion. And second stanza, third line, "yet" doesn't add anything for me... it seems unnecessary.

Great poem

[Jezie]

Hi Jezie - I like the idea of the tension in the moment before action. Your poem runs on two layers at once, one real and one metaphorical,  which I like. My main problem here is with your punctuation and capital letters. You're not consistent with either.

She stands, all but bare. No period here - comma would carry the thought forward
Watching the ripples across the surface.  No capital letter on watching - otherwise you have an isolated fragment
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  Same - the period here makes the next lines a fragment. A comma
Reminding her of decisions gone by,               and no capital letter on reminding would fix this.
much like the one ahead of her.  Needed?

The plunge is icy, Will be / would be, as she hasn't yet made it
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her. again, will/would run
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

A few lines of blank space, to set the poem apart from your signature, would help too.

Thank you, that does look better. . I must confess I kept placing and removing "would be" but seemed a jumbled read to me.

---

She stands, all but bare.
Watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead of her.  

The plunge is icy,
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

Hi Jezie,
I like this poem very much... the daunting decision looming over the head of the protagonist... but the first two lines, I think, are a bit vague. Give more details--does she stand rigidly, or is she relaxed? Are the ripples on the surface which she's staring at ripples on water, ripples of a smile gracing someone's face, or something else entirely? I would insert "but" at the beginning of the second line of the second stanza, to better contradict the icy plunge and the burn of exhaustion. And second stanza, third line, "yet" doesn't add anything for me... it seems unnecessary.

Great poem

Thank pjs, "all but bare" is the description... But if it does not come across I may have to tinker a bit more and see what I can come up with.

Thanks for the feedback....

[yessiryessum]

Very interesting and cool! Love the image- makes you wonder what's next.

My one suggestion would be in:

The plunge would be icy, 
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.

"Would be icy" and "exhaustion runs rampant" don't quite seem to agree.  Maybe it's conveying a different effect? Not sure.  I think "exhaustion would run rampant" might help, but it's up to you!

[Stateofmind]

Loved it. Made me think of a troubled woman on the verge of making a permanent decision. The icy plunge. Although I'm a man... I can identify with that. If that is your desired direction. She's thinking about her past decisions and the one that lay ahead. .. that icy plunge. She's prepared for this by removing her clothing in order to leave this world naked... just as she was when she entered it

[Jezie]

Loved it. Made me think of a troubled woman on the verge of making a permanent decision. The icy plunge. Although I'm a man... I can identify with that. If that is your desired direction. She's thinking about her past decisions and the one that lay ahead. .. that icy plunge. She's prepared for this by removing her clothing in order to leave this world naked... just as she was when she entered it

Thank you... I am glad I got most of it clearly across... I am glad you loved it.

---

Very interesting and cool! Love the image- makes you wonder what's next.

My one suggestion would be in:

The plunge would be icy, 
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.

"Would be icy" and "exhaustion runs rampant" don't quite seem to agree.  Maybe it's conveying a different effect? Not sure.  I think "exhaustion would run rampant" might help, but it's up to you!

Thank you for the feedback... I will give this area more thiught and see what I can come up with...

[rowens]

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?


While the direct statements and the way the poem is short and packed together in a "complete" way, whatever that means: it does feel complete: those same qualities can be seen as choppy and too direct in the last lines. It's almost making something happen, some kind of poetic magic; but maybe you should tinker with it more, experiment with it more. It doesn't seem quite there yet. Maybe some tinkering with the wording and the images in the first lines will bring something up.

[Jezie]

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?


While the direct statements and the way the poem is short and packed together in a "complete" way, whatever that means: it does feel complete: those same qualities can be seen as choppy and too direct in the last lines. It's almost making something happen, some kind of poetic magic; but maybe you should tinker with it more, experiment with it more. It doesn't seem quite there yet. Maybe some tinkering with the wording and the images in the first lines will bring something up.

Thank you for expanding on the thought of it feeling complete but not... This poem is giving me issue hopefully soon I can get these "tinkerings" posted...
As always, thanks for the feedback...

[skadragon]

Edit 1:

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

I kinda skim read all the other critiques, forgive if this is redundant. This poem left me feeling like there was no resolution. More importantly, I was left feeling there was not much depth. I get where this poem may like to go but, what was her dilemma? I have no idea of her past decisions or what she is truly deciding. No hint is given. I commend you on creating a scene. Albeit a confusing one. I imagined she was standing above a lake or something similar ready to jump in the water. So I was confused how and where a fence would be.

The last three lines of the poem are the only ones I disliked. The former two seem excessively wordy with no real reason to be and the last line felt forced and generic.

(This is my first post in this forum and my first critique of anything in a long time. I'm sorry if it is in any way inappropriate or ineffective.)

[Jezie]

Edit 1:

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

I kinda skim read all the other critiques, forgive if this is redundant. This poem left me feeling like there was no resolution. More importantly, I was left feeling there was not much depth. I get where this poem may like to go but, what was her dilemma? I have no idea of her past decisions or what she is truly deciding. No hint is given. I commend you on creating a scene. Albeit a confusing one. I imagined she was standing above a lake or something similar ready to jump in the water. So I was confused how and where a fence would be.

The last three lines of the poem are the only ones I disliked. The former two seem excessively wordy with no real reason to be and the last line felt forced and generic.

(This is my first post in this forum and my first critique of anything in a long time. I'm sorry if it is in any way inappropriate or ineffective.)

Thank you for your feedback it does give me some ideas while I am working to repair this... piece ... While the decisions were left out intentionally you do bring a point to the table that I will see if I can work on. I appreciate your honesty redundancy would not bother me, for it would drive home the fact that the issue is major and needs attention immediately
Nothing was inappropriate or ineffective

[Jezie]

Do I need to just shelve this one? I think I have a new gray hair over it...

[Phat Monkey]

I really liked this, short, sweet, but complex. You did a great job of giving it that double meaning. The symbolism of jumping into an icy cold pool and jumping into a troubling situation in life. I like how you imply that it can be worth it if you can deceive yourself, because in reality the biggest threat to holding a person back is themselves.

[elviaje26]

I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess...  

Edit 2:

She stands, all but bare, I love this starting line
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
dawn's warmth peeks over the fence,
watching the ripples cross the surface.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  Superb flow in this first stanza. It has great rythem, its edgy yet and clearly understood. 

The plunge would be icy,
the discomforts of a hard change,
until the burn of exhaustion eases the strains,
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction;
if only she is willing to deceive. I feel like the second stanza is a bit too straght forward and not quite as edgy as the first one. I feel like the last line seems to stick out is a weird way and does not contribute much to the poem.



Edit 1:

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

Orginal:

She stands, all but bare.
Watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead of her.  

The plunge is icy,
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

[Jezie]

I read through the original, and both edits, and I think your changes are beautiful!
My only critique is grammatical, and that might be because of everything I am studying in school.
For the first stanza hasa bit of an issue, but it is a simple fix!
"A cool breeze caresses her back,"  I would make this one sentence.  Just put a period at the end!  Even though it may seem small, its simplicity is elegant nonetheless.  Then you Just capitalize "dawn".  Finally, "Reminding her of decisions...", that sentence is a fragment, so I would simply reword it to "It Reminds her of decisions..."

That would simply change it to:
She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back.
Dawn's warmth peeks over the fence,
watching the ripples cross the surface. 
It reminds her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead. 

Lastly, just place a period after "strains" in the second stanza!
Other than that, your poem is beautiful!
You displayed conflict in the piece that I, as a reader, can relate to.  It reminded me of a time when I was in a similar position.

I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess...  

Edit 2:

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
dawn's warmth peeks over the fence,
watching the ripples cross the surface.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  

The plunge would be icy,
the discomforts of a hard change,
until the burn of exhaustion eases the strains,
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction;
if only she is willing to deceive.



Edit 1:

She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.  

The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

Orginal:

She stands, all but bare.
Watching the ripples across the surface.  
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.  
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead of her.  

The plunge is icy,
the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
Yet, the cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?

Thank you for the feedback, going the extra bit and showing how your suggestions would look was a really nice addition. Some of the changes I agree with and have something similar in the works I hope you like it. While you point out about my 5th line is a fragment, I believe it does work better as it stands. However, if it does not I hope you and anyone else will helpfully ding me for being wrong

---

I really liked this, short, sweet, but complex. You did a great job of giving it that double meaning. The symbolism of jumping into an icy cold pool and jumping into a troubling situation in life. I like how you imply that it can be worth it if you can deceive yourself, because in reality the biggest threat to holding a person back is themselves.

Thank you for your feedback, I am glad you really liked this. It has been a hassle so to learn it is enjoyed is well worth the headache Hope you like the edits.

[Todd]

Hi Jezie,

I haven't read the critiques or the earlier versions. I'm just going to address your latest edit (I'm a bit late to the party). 

I'll try to restrict my comments to the level of the forum and not go into too much detail and just focus on the key areas you may want to address.

I like the title. There's tension in it. The poem should try to capture the moment before decision and stay in that moment. As it stands, I'm going to make comments where I perceive there to be flaws. I like the poem idea enough to comment though so if there isn't a balance of good and bad don't over rotate. 

Okay so a few weeks of walking away and back and still...
Edit 3:

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.--I think this line is unnecessary. I don't think the particular setting adds anything and it gets in the way of the essence of the piece. I think you would be better served by cutting it and moving up "watching the ripples cross the surface." as its replacement.
A cool breeze caresses her back,--Don't tell me this and just personify the breeze have her skin react to the level of cold you want to express. I'm reacting more the adjective "cool" here.
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.--This idea on these two lines is not captured in your imagery. They feel bolted on. I'd try to convey this in another way.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.--All of these lines don't push the idea forward. If her toes are on the edge of the board how would she know the plunge is icy. That in itself is too telling of a statement anyway. There has to be a better way to use imagery to explain the fear. Your earlier of dawn's first warmth and cool breeze make it seem that it might not be that icy really. 
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call. --Again these last two lines feel bolted on to me. I also feel that for the metaphor your last phrase should probably be "Her toes on the edge."

I do like the idea of the poem, but I think where this is going wrong for me is that you are not trusting the central metaphor enough to do its work and you're cramming in all sorts of emotional exposition that the imagery does not really convey. A possibility is rethinking the title to carry the exposition and let the poem simply be the metaphor with imagery.

The poem is vague on what decision is in view, but here's an example of exposition in the title:

On Contemplating a Divorce

She stands all but bare...

it could be any topic really but keeping the exposition in the title may free you from putting it in the poem.


I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess...  

Just some thoughts. I hope they help some.

Best,

Todd

[rayheinrich]

Plunge - 3rd edit

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call.

Well... talk about coming in late. But I liked your poem and saw your comment at its bottom:
"I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess... "

I just hate it when a poem refuses to obey. It's like they've grown resentful of your constant pinching
and poking and have decided to seek revenge. When remodeling doesn't work, maybe gutting and
rebuilding will. While only you can gut it properly (the best slicing requires your subconscious),
here's a "gut" example:

standing / bare
sanctuary / pool
her back
watching ripples
dawn
past decisions
future decisions

icy plunge
changes are hard
exhaustion distracts
toes, edge, sun, her back
choices reveal courage
deception / atonement / decision


Cheat the dustbin!

[Jezie]

Hi Jezie,

I haven't read the critiques or the earlier versions. I'm just going to address your latest edit (I'm a bit late to the party). 

I'll try to restrict my comments to the level of the forum and not go into too much detail and just focus on the key areas you may want to address.

I like the title. There's tension in it. The poem should try to capture the moment before decision and stay in that moment. As it stands, I'm going to make comments where I perceive there to be flaws. I like the poem idea enough to comment though so if there isn't a balance of good and bad don't over rotate. 

Okay so a few weeks of walking away and back and still...
Edit 3:

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.--I think this line is unnecessary. I don't think the particular setting adds anything and it gets in the way of the essence of the piece. I think you would be better served by cutting it and moving up "watching the ripples cross the surface." as its replacement.
A cool breeze caresses her back,--Don't tell me this and just personify the breeze have her skin react to the level of cold you want to express. I'm reacting more the adjective "cool" here.
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.--This idea on these two lines is not captured in your imagery. They feel bolted on. I'd try to convey this in another way.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.--All of these lines don't push the idea forward. If her toes are on the edge of the board how would she know the plunge is icy. That in itself is too telling of a statement anyway. There has to be a better way to use imagery to explain the fear. Your earlier of dawn's first warmth and cool breeze make it seem that it might not be that icy really. 
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call. --Again these last two lines feel bolted on to me. I also feel that for the metaphor your last phrase should probably be "Her toes on the edge."

I do like the idea of the poem, but I think where this is going wrong for me is that you are not trusting the central metaphor enough to do its work and you're cramming in all sorts of emotional exposition that the imagery does not really convey. A possibility is rethinking the title to carry the exposition and let the poem simply be the metaphor with imagery.

The poem is vague on what decision is in view, but here's an example of exposition in the title:

On Contemplating a Divorce

She stands all but bare...

it could be any topic really but keeping the exposition in the title may free you from putting it in the poem.


I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess...  

Just some thoughts. I hope they help some.

Best,

Todd

I like your suggestions, awhile I have never done "long" titles, I see how changing this would improve on what the poem should be saying... Also, you took time to show me where I am filling too much in. I am going to take this poem back to pen and paper and see what I can cut from it to see about improving it. I completely agree about show do not tell; will work better on that. You have given me much to think on and tinker with. I greatly appreciate your feedback and the time you took for me. I am glad you liked it enough to comment.

---

Plunge - 3rd edit

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call.

Well... talk about coming in late. But I liked your poem and saw your comment at its bottom:
"I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess... "

I just hate it when a poem refuses to obey. It's like they've grown resentful of your constant pinching
and poking and have decided to seek revenge. When remodeling doesn't work, maybe gutting and
rebuilding will. While only you can gut it properly (the best slicing requires your subconscious),
here's a "gut" example:

standing / bare
sanctuary / pool
her back
watching ripples
dawn
past decisions
future decisions

icy plunge
changes are hard
exhaustion distracts
toes, edge, sun, her back
choices reveal courage
deception / atonement / decision


Cheat the dustbin!

Cheat the dustbin... now there is a good motto for this one I like the gutting ideas, I am thinking of taking it back to the basic idea and going from there... here is hopping the next edit is in a better place. As always, thank you for your feedback.