Entirety

[Jezie]

Third edit: still hugging ray...  Sorry but I am Georgian...  We hug lol


Sit with me on the porch swing,
make no more apologies;
I am deaf and your sight fades,
but do not become dismayed.
Tell me of your favorite song,
play it, and sing along.

Notice how your cup vibrates?
Feel the beat in your fingertips,
do not grip it too tightly,
lightly rest your hand against it.

We can still listen together.
Sing your heart out,
let me enjoy watching you,
I promise this does not belittle me,
you be you and I will be me.

Does it bother you
I can describe a bird sitting in a tree?
With you describing the sound
we can enjoy the bird in its entirety.

Second edit: a thought to resolve the sight fades and blind issue...

Sit with me on the porch swing,
make no more apologies;
I am deaf and your sight fades,
but do not become dismayed.
Tell me of your favorite song,
play it, and sing along.

Notice how your cup vibrates?
Feel the beat in your fingertips,
do not grip it too tightly,
lightly rest your hand against it.

We can still listen together.
Sing your heart out,
let me enjoy watching you,
I promise this does not belittle me,
you be you and I will be me.

Does it bother you
I can describe a bird sitting in a tree?
With you describing the sound
we can enjoy the bird in its entirety.

The future may be dark and silent,
but we can still sit together.
You as blind, me as deaf,
We can still enjoy life's zest.

First edit:  I am still working on some of the other issues...

Sit with me on the porch swing,
make no more apologies;
I am deaf and your sight fades,
but do not become dismayed.
Tell me of your favorite song,
play it, and sing along.

Notice how your cup vibrates?
Feel the beat in your fingertips,
do not grip it too tightly,
lightly rest your hand against it.

We can still listen together.
Sing your heart out,
let me enjoy watching you,
I promise this does not belittle me,
you be you and I will be me.

Does it bother you
I can describe a bird sitting in a tree?
With you describing the sound
we can enjoy the bird in its entirety.

You as blind, me as deaf,
We can still enjoy life's zest.



Original

Sit with me on the porch swing,
Make no more apologies
I am deaf and your sight fades,
But do not become dismayed.
Tell me of your favorite song,
Play it, and sing along.

Did you notice how your cup vibrates?
Feel the beat in your fingertips,
Do not grip it so tightly,
Just lightly rest your hand against it.

We can still listen together.
Sing your heart out,
Let me enjoy watching you,
Promise this does not hurt or bother me,
You be you and I will be me.

Does it bother you I can describe a bird sitting in a tree?
With you describing the sound we can enjoy the bird in its entirety.
You as blind, me as deaf
We can still enjoy life's zest.

help... Thinking I need to scrap second stanza all together....

[peacejazzspirit]

Hello and welcome, Jezie.
I do not think you should scrap the last stanza. You're displaying your vantage-point in the first stanza and the other person's in the third, and in the second you are binding them together. I connect with this poem, my sight is not the best and I have a friend who is partially deaf. Some thoughts:

Sit with me on the porch swing,
Make no more apologies Semicrkon at the end of this line and no capital at the beginning.
I am deaf and your sight fades, There must be another way to phrase it: I lack sound, while your sight fades, perhaps?
But do not become dismayed. I don't see why you capitalized the beginning of the line, doesn't need it.
Tell me of your favorite song,
Play it, and sing along.

Did you notice how your cup vibrates?
Feel the beat in your fingertips,
Do not grip it so tightly, Suggestion: Do not grip it too tightly,
Just lightly rest your hand against it. I like this stanza, it is giving the other person a glimpse into how you experience sound.

We can still listen together.
Sing your heart out,
Let me enjoy watching you,
'I' promise this does not hurt or bother me,
You be you and I will be me.

Does it bother you I can describe a bird sitting in a tree?
With you describing the sound we can enjoy the bird in its entirety.
You as blind, me as deaf(,)
We can still enjoy life's zest.

help... Thinking I need to scrap second stanza all together....

This is a good piece, but I think a little wordy in some of the longer lines. Also, it's not necessary to capitalize the beginning of each line, only when you end the previous line with a period, or obviously if you begin it with I. The title works well for me. And no, it wouldn't bother me if you described a bird in a tree, or anything else, really I'd appreciate it

[Jezie]

Thank you for your feedback. I noticed what you said about writing the word deaf. I am curious, why remove it?
I like your suggestions and will apply them...

[peacejazzspirit]

Thank you for your feedback. I noticed what you said about writing the word deaf. I am curious, why remove it?
I like your suggestions and will apply them...

Well in that line towards the beginning, you don't say blind, you say sight is fading, but later in the poem you have used deaf and blind so I thought by changing that line towards the beginning it would be more... parallel? Don't know if that's the correct term, but hope you understand what I mean...

[Jezie]

I do, and see your point. There is no way around it, I am deaf, but I do need to change it for blind. She is not blind yet but headed that way quickly. Thanks for pointing that out, I am sure I would have kept over looking it. D

[peacejazzspirit]

I do, and see your point. There is no way around it, I am deaf, but I do need to change it for blind. She is not blind yet but headed that way quickly. Thanks for pointing that out, I am sure I would have kept over looking it. D

Change it to blind? I meant that line should read, "I lack sound while your sight fades." Sorry if I wasn't clear. And sorry to hear about that, my best wishes to her.

[Jezie]

you were I am thinking I was not...
Was just agreeing it needs an edit. Question, would it be lacking sound if one experiences sound through touch in the poem though?

[peacejazzspirit]

you were I am thinking I was not...
Was just agreeing it needs an edit. Question, would it be lacking sound if one experiences sound through touch in the poem though?

That is a good question... touch is the vehicle with which the blind can see and the deaf can hear. The way I interpret it is: the vibrations can not be heard, touch is the means by which they are heard, so I think it would be ok in the poem. Of course it's your poem, and others might have differing viewpoints.
Good luck editing!

[Jezie]

Not sure if I should post a new thread to show edits, so just edited my original post..

[peacejazzspirit]

Hi Jezie, yes that's how you do it, just insert it at the top of the original

This one does read a bit smoother, progressing well but still needs a little work. I especially like how you snipped the line containing belittle, I like it much better.

[Jezie]

Thanks pjs... I am having more trouble with this one... Guess the proper term is meter and this one... Well does not sing in any way... It serves a purpose but... Lacks a lot that I am having trouble applying...

[rayheinrich]

I quite love this poem.
Especially the forth stanza:
Its first two lines are worthy of an entire novel.

"Does it bother you
I can describe a bird sitting in a tree?
With you describing the sound
we can enjoy the bird in its entirety."

What I'm wondering, since the forth stanza is so powerful, why is the fifth necessary?

"The future may be dark and silent,
but we can still sit together.
You as blind, me as deaf,
We can still enjoy life's zest."

Everything it says has been said more beautifully in the first four.
It seems like an unnecessary summation.
(And, even though it fits the subjects of the poem, "dark and silent" is cliché.)

Hope that's of help.
ray

[Jezie]

Oh my... Why did I not see that... The next to last line was the issue and how I ended up in writing a cliche... If I just removed the last two it would have been fine... Thank you... I could hug you right now

[rayheinrich]

As a Czech-German-Texan-American, I return your hug.
(When growing up my close relatives greeted each other
with kisses on the mouth. Male-to-male and any other
combination. Hugs, of course, were a given.)

I really do like how your poem has turned out.
You got some talent there.
Ray

[Jezie]

I do, and see your point.  There is no way around it,  I am deaf,  but I do need to change it for blind. She is not blind yet but headed that way quickly.  Thanks for pointing that out,  I am sure I would have kept over looking it.  D

Change it to blind? I meant that line should read, "I lack sound while your sight fades." Sorry if I wasn't clear. And sorry to hear about that, my best wishes to her.

As a Czech-German-Texan-American, I return your hug.
(When growing up my close relatives greeted each other
with kisses on the mouth. Male-to-male and any other
combination. Hugs, of course, were a given.)

I really do like how your poem has turned out.
You got some talent there.
Ray

Thank you... Have been shy about sharing... Almost else seems so skilled here
Born in Texas, raised in Germany until 12 and Georgia the rest lol hmm I understand thanks for the hug...

[rayheinrich]

... Have been shy about sharing... Almost (everyone) else seems so skilled here

    Was? Überprüfen Sie Ihre Lokomotive für Mäuse.

Born in Texas,  raised in Germany until 12 and Georgia the rest lol hmm I understand  thanks for the hug...

    Georgia must have been a surprise.

    Ray

[Jezie]

I do, and see your point.  There is no way around it,  I am deaf,  but I do need to change it for blind. She is not blind yet but headed that way quickly.  Thanks for pointing that out,  I am sure I would have kept over looking it.  D

Change it to blind? I meant that line should read, "I lack sound while your sight fades." Sorry if I wasn't clear. And sorry to hear about that, my best wishes to her.

... Have been shy about sharing... Almost (everyone) else seems so skilled here

    Was? Überprüfen Sie Ihre Lokomotive für Mäuse.

LOL Gut gesagt...  aber....  Mien katza ass de Mäuse.... Ich denke ...

Born in Texas,  raised in Germany until 12 and Georgia the rest lol hmm I understand  thanks for the hug...

    Georgia must have been a surprise.

    Ray
[/quote]

Huge surprise...  I miss Germany...  But it has also changed a lot since I have been...  One day will go back and see family I have there...