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An Edit:
Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
summer's storm surrenders to shivered drizzle...
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere lost between happy-- or maybe just dumb.
The radio offers more emotion than I can take;
sometimes tomorrow really is too long.
Sometime we'll feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide.
Some times.
Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
A summer's storm surrenders to misty drizzle.
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere between empty and simply dumb.
The radio emits more emotion than I can take;
Sometimes tomorrow really is too long.
Sometimes you feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide.
Some times.
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Joined: Jul 2015
Hey Q, I like the apprehension of the theme 'sometimes'. Things change, move on, eventually they can come back (if you don't learn from your sast then you're doomed to repeat it  ) Some thoughts below:
(09-12-2015, 07:30 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
A summer's storm fades to misty drizzle. You used 'fades' in this line and the previous one--substitute another word in one of them.
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere between empty and simply dumb.
The radio emits more emotion than I can take, I don't see why there is a comma here, as this line and the next don't seem to be compatible when broken up by one.
Sometimes tommorrow really is too long. Tomorrow not tommorrow.
Sometimes you feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide. Love this line.
Some times.
Free verse poetry and jazz are like brother and sister.
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easy edit, should have been made before i posted it. I missed the fades fades...
tomorrow really is to long is a reference to a smashing pumkins song, very obtuse, and you might say they did it better...
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/smashingp...today.html
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Ohhh, OK. I don't listen to smashing pumkins, maybe you could put a colon at the end of the preceding line and then put that line from the song in quotations, with an ellipsis at the end that way it is more apparent it is from a song for those who haven't heard it.
Free verse poetry and jazz are like brother and sister.
Posts: 417
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Joined: May 2014
Thanks for your thoughts, the tectak quote is in my signature. I find it amusing. Nothing more.
It was not about my poem. I always had a period there.
"here the comma is a pause as if the narrator is lost in thought, or is taking a moment to attempt to articulate what is being felt"
is what i was going for, but thought a period more approrpiate.
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This poem caught me... Maybe it was the connection to Smashing Pumpkins... Love the first stanza and last line... Have been thinking of similar things lately so this relates in a way... So was interesting to run across...
Curious... Why the change from "I" to "you" it kind of threw me a bit...
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09-13-2015, 09:49 PM
Thank you for the read of this. Grace
(09-12-2015, 07:30 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
A summer's storm surrenders to misty drizzle. I would lose the 'A' here.
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere between empty and simply dumb.
The radio emits more emotion than I can take; - Id switch round 'more emotion' to 'emotion more'
Sometimes tomorrow really is too long.
Sometimes you feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide. - I like this. Possibly you could line-break after 'live' and then 'deep' . See what you think.
Some times.
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Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
I made an edit here
Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
summer's storm surrenders to shivered drizzle...
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere between happy-- or maybe just dumb.
The radio offers more emotion than I can take;
sometimes tomorrow really is too long.
Sometime we'll feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide.
Some times.
yessiryessum
Unregistered
I really like this poem, especially the line "Sometimes I feel." on its own.
In the line: "somewhere between happy-- or maybe just dumb"
I feel like, since you wouldn't say between this OR that, instead this AND that, that might be a change to make it flow better? You could also move the -- and make it:
"somewhere between happy and-- maybe just dumb"
Just some ideas, hope they're helpful!
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"The radio offers too much emotion for me to handle" really spoke to me. It's amazing how memories can attach themselves to songs, even when u don't want them to. And the urge to live being hidden beneath the urge to hide... speaks of anxiety that I live with on a daily basis. Thanks for this. I truly enjoyed it.
Absolute randomness of reality
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(09-27-2015, 02:07 PM)yessiryessum Wrote: I really like this poem, especially the line "Sometimes I feel." on its own.
In the line: "somewhere between happy-- or maybe just dumb"
I feel like, since you wouldn't say between this OR that, instead this AND that, that might be a change to make it flow better? You could also move the -- and make it:
"somewhere between happy and-- maybe just dumb"
Just some ideas, hope they're helpful!
thank you for your comment, I'm thinking 'between' is the wrong word....
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When I read these lines,
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere lost between happy-- or maybe just dumb.
My brain seems to want to pick up the tempo on the second line! eg,
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere lost or just plain dumb.
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A very interesting and seasonal read, thank you.
Lines that really spoke to me:
"summer's storm surrenders to shivered drizzle..."
"The radio offers more emotion than I can take"
I often think of those first autumn morning when the rain feels so cold, unlike the warmer summer rain of just 5-6 weeks ago. This seasonal change always makes me feel emotions more strongly and music definitely resonates at this time.
One line that was an obstacle for me:
"sometimes tomorrow really is too long."
I understand the dread of tomorrow, tomorrow seeming too short before it arrives, or even the seeming eternity of the present today, yet I struggled with the idea of the day yet to come being too long. Maybe that's just me :-)
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I really like the changes that you made... This really catches and speaks to me today... The changes made make this poem flow much better and I can relate smoother with the narrator..
Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?
~Lao tzu
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(09-12-2015, 07:30 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: An Edit:
Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
summer's storm surrenders to shivered drizzle... (Personally preferred misty drizzle
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere lost between happy-- or maybe just dumb.
The radio offers more emotion than I can take;
sometimes tomorrow really is too long.
Sometime we'll feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide.
Some times.
Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
A summer's storm surrenders to misty drizzle.
Sometimes I feel.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere between empty and simply dumb.
The radio emits more emotion than I can take;
Sometimes tomorrow really is too long.
Sometimes you feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide.
Some times.
Revisiting I have a confession to make. I am not sure if I missed it when I made the last bit of feedback. Yet, I preferred the misty drizzle for the imagery that it provides over a shivered one. Misty drizzle also flows better.
Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?
~Lao tzu
JustSomeRandomWords
Unregistered
These words seem to explain why some people drink and definitely will speak to many people "Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere between happy-- or maybe just dumb."
Then this next one, just simply explains the power of music that we can all relate to "radio offers more emotion than I can take;"
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Sometimes when the leaves turn,
the air cools, the sun fades,
summer's storm surrenders to shivered drizzle... i prefer shivered drizzle here; the s's somehow bond the line together, but not in an overbearing way
Sometimes I feel. strong having this separated from s1. really gave that feeling of rare or reluctant emotion when you're outside your safe space. i feel that way quite often.
Three drinks in and feeling numb
somewhere lost between happy-- or maybe just dumb. between happy and what? or is the thought cut off by --? either way, this line is a little confusing.
The radio offers more emotion than I can take; interesting, i feel the complete opposite. perhaps the feeling of irony is the emotion you're talking about.
sometimes tomorrow really is too long. i like that this line didn't rhyme like the previous - the "numb" feeling is being projected nicely
Sometime we'll feel the urge to live buried deep below the urge to hide.
Some times.
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