Uncomfortable

[Wjames]

A nail in the stool lends
a slant to my spine;
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

[John]

A nail in the stool lends
a slant to my spine;
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

Hi. I read the first line and choked on my pint. A nail up the jacksy would have that effect.    To avoid the schoolboy humour, how about making it a barstool, and starting the second line with lends? It would also impart some natural rhythm.

A nail in the barstool
lends a slant to my spine;

As it's such a short poem, I wonder how it would have worked with a third verse - the repeating lines? Wouldn't work for me. You could cut it down to six lines by removing one of pair of duplicates, and at the same time it will tighten the piece.

Overall, it's easy to be on that (bar)stool. It's an imaginative little piece.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey WJ-

I think that John boy's on to something, and that your shorty could be even shortier (or is that shortyer?).

Moving "lend" to line 2 is a good idea of his, as well (or is that ass-swell?).

If you don't listen to us, we'll take your watch, and then you won't have anything to say to your little girlfriend, stool-boy. (Don't try giving your name either, as all women know guys like you lie about their names in bars. Especially girls with names like Candy, or Lil'pooh, or Lu-Lu).

Seriously, ya wooden headed splinter brainer, how's that for your "Uncomfortable" now, huh? Ya slanty-spined, pin-pricked nail-butter.

I'd let you tell her my name, but she'd have to honk your horn, or bonk yer brains out on the spot, butt nail or not... Bone up man!

ya da, ya da, ya da,
...Martin

A nail in the stool lends
a slant to my spine;
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

Hi. I read the first line and choked on my pint. A nail up the jacksy would have that effect.    To avoid the schoolboy humour, how about making it a barstool, and starting the second line with lends? It would also impart some natural rhythm.

A nail in the barstool
lends a slant to my spine;

As it's such a short poem, I wonder how it would have worked with a third verse - the repeating lines? Wouldn't work for me. You could cut it down to six lines by removing one of pair of duplicates, and at the same time it will tighten the piece.

Overall, it's easy to be on that (bar)stool. It's an imaginative little piece.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

[Quixilated]

If you do take out one of the repeats it should be the first occurrence.

"A nail in the stool
Lends a slant to my spine;
A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind."

However, reading it this way doesn't have the same effect for me as it does with the repeat. Even though the poem is short, the repetition gives it a pleasing cadence as wall as keeps it from sounding trite. Small uncomfortable things like a headache or a splinter or a nail on your bum all have this ability to become every other thought in your brain. The refrain washes over the speaker repeatedly as does the awareness of the nail. If there were more verses they should all have this refrain until the reader practically feels the nail as well. Also, I tried and tried to like it with barstool, but it messes with the sound of it. Honestly I read stool as in chair the first time around, and would never have thought to read it another way. However, I'm not nearly as good at all this as your first two critics, and only contradict them with trepidation. But I tried hard to like it with the changes and it made it somehow less for me. Anyway, I love it when a poet captures a little play in only a few lines. I can see the whole story and feel for the protagonist. For what it's worth ...
--Quix

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and posting guys. Sorry I've taken so long to respond, I'm a little busy right now (but, I'm going up North for a vacation tomorrow! won't be on here for a week or so, I'll try and work on this one while I'm gone).

Hi. I read the first line and choked on my pint. A nail up the jacksy would have that effect.    To avoid the schoolboy humour, how about making it a barstool, and starting the second line with lends? It would also impart some natural rhythm.

A nail in the barstool
lends a slant to my spine;

As it's such a short poem, I wonder how it would have worked with a third verse - the repeating lines? Wouldn't work for me. You could cut it down to six lines by removing one of pair of duplicates, and at the same time it will tighten the piece.

Overall, it's easy to be on that (bar)stool. It's an imaginative little piece.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.

Glad you got something from it. I think it reads smoother without "bar", and that it's clear its a bar stool at the very least by the third line, so I'll leave that as is.

I'll definitely play around with cutting/changing the repeated lines, because it may be too short a poem to repeat. It was mostly there because I thought it sounded nice. In a perfect world I would change it to something better...

Hey WJ-

I think that John boy's on to something, and that your shorty could be even shortier (or is that shortyer?).

Moving "lend" to line 2 is a good idea of his, as well (or is that ass-swell?).

If you don't listen to us, we'll take your watch, and then you won't have anything to say to your little girlfriend, stool-boy. (Don't try giving your name either, as all women know guys like you lie about their names in bars. Especially girls with names like Candy, or Lil'pooh, or Lu-Lu).

Seriously, ya wooden headed splinter brainer, how's that for your "Uncomfortable" now, huh? Ya slanty-spined, pin-pricked nail-butter.

I'd let you tell her my name, but she'd have to honk your horn, or bonk yer brains out on the spot, butt nail or not... Bone up man!

ya da, ya da, ya da,
...Martin

Yes, and I also don't like the "and" line break either, but I was keeping it all syllabic (stanza-wise) and such. I'll toy 'round with the breaks. I might need to start drinkin more milk too, get my backbone in order.

If you do take out one of the repeats it should be the first occurrence.

"A nail in the stool
Lends a slant to my spine;
A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind."

However, reading it this way doesn't have the same effect for me as it does with the repeat. Even though the poem is short, the repetition gives it a pleasing cadence as wall as keeps it from sounding trite. Small uncomfortable things like a headache or a splinter or a nail on your bum all have this ability to become every other thought in your brain. The refrain washes over the speaker repeatedly as does the awareness of the nail. If there were more verses they should all have this refrain until the reader practically feels the nail as well. Also, I tried and tried to like it with barstool, but it messes with the sound of it. Honestly I read stool as in chair the first time around, and would never have thought to read it another way. However, I'm not nearly as good at all this as your first two critics, and only contradict them with trepidation. But I tried hard to like it with the changes and it made it somehow less for me. Anyway, I love it when a poet captures a little play in only a few lines. I can see the whole story and feel for the protagonist. For what it's worth ...
--Quix

Yeah, the repetition was mostly there because I thought it sounded nice. In a perfect world I would change it to something better/different...

I prefer it without "bar" as well.

I do think the nail line might be the more appropriate one for the refrain, it's definitely more piercing.

I want to add more to this, but there's only so many words that rhyme with spine!