He was last seen…edit0.0000001 john

[tectak]

Through the salt-cracked, creaking boards,
sea seethes below.
Round the storm-scoured, rust-crust rails
wild west winds blow.

On the tight-turned switch-back swell
a skewed skiff slides,
disappearing in the troughs
of tearing tides.
 
In the dim of dying day
a clay cloud cleaves.  
Sunlight side-slips through the grey;
dread darkness leaves.

On the pier the public peers
to scan the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen….

tectak2015 Lingua in maxillam

[peacejazzspirit]

Hi tectak,
I really like the alliteration in your poem, so much that I read it aloud to no one in particular. It flows very nicely off the tongue. :j

[Quixilated]

I love the word play in this! Could barely say it untangled in my mind and would never dare to attempt it out loud (not a graceful articulator). I reached the end of the first read through only to realize I was so focused on not getting tangled in the words, that I had no idea what actually happens and had to start all over again. Has a sort of wake you up keep you on your toes feel. Just one point of observation, the words are so fun, it sort of seems incongruous to have them spell out such a tragedy. It makes me feel like I was laughing during a funeral. But, guilt aside, it's fantastically fun.
-Quix

[tectak]

Hi tectak,
I really like the alliteration in your poem, so much that I read it aloud to no one in particular. It flows very nicely off the tongue. :j

[John]

Through the salt-cracked, creaking boards,
sea seethes below.
Round the storm-scoured, rust-crust rails
wild west winds blow.

On the tight-turned switch-back swell
a skewed skiff slides,
disappearing in the troughs
of tearing tides.
 
In the dim of dying day
a clay cloud cleaves.  
Sunlight side-slips through the grey;
dread darkness leaves.

On the pier the public peers
and scans the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen….

tectak2015 Lingua in maxillam

Living on the coast I can relate to this and the not-infrequent occurrences of such.

The points that made me double-take were L4 S1 - my initial image was one of tumbleweed rolling though a frontier town. And the first two lines of S4 - perhaps the public peer and scan the scene... public being a singular entity. That may be just down to regional variations and mode of speech.

Overall, I enjoyed the subject imagery, rhythm, assonance and alliteration of this poem. Good stuff.  

[tectak]

Hi tectak,
I really like the alliteration in your poem, so much that I read it aloud to no one in particular. It flows very nicely off the tongue. :j

Hi peace,
Thank you for tackling this one...it is tongue-in-cheek. The idea that one gets tongue-tied when reading a piece in one's head has always fascinated me...but you have made an interesting observation. I like that you liked the alliteration enough to read it out loud
Best,
tectak

---

Through the salt-cracked, creaking boards,
sea seethes below.
Round the storm-scoured, rust-crust rails
wild west winds blow.

On the tight-turned switch-back swell
a skewed skiff slides,
disappearing in the troughs
of tearing tides.
 
In the dim of dying day
a clay cloud cleaves.  
Sunlight side-slips through the grey;
dread darkness leaves.

On the pier the public peers
and scans the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen….

tectak2015 Lingua in maxillam

Living on the coast I can relate to this and the not-infrequent occurrences of such.

The points that made me double-take were L4 S1 - my initial image was one of tumbleweed rolling though a frontier town. And the first two lines of S4 - perhaps the public peer and scan the scene... public being a singular entity. That may be just down to regional variations and mode of speech.

Overall, I enjoyed the subject imagery, rhythm, assonance and alliteration of this poem. Good stuff.  

Hi john,
No, yes you are right The piece is    but that is no excuse. On the peer/peers thing I am wondering if "On the pier the public peers TO scan the scene" might get me over myself. This syntax change then brings "peers to scan" rather than "public peers". What thinkest thou? You got me on "wild west winds". Where to put the hyphen?
By the by, for a while I considered a duality in the "peers" being a noun, i.e. that the public were felt a dread equality with the victim, but it was a tough contrivance. The piece was written just to stretch and yawn, so no clever stuff
Thanks,
tectak.

---

I love the word play in this! Could barely say it untangled in my mind and would never dare to attempt it out loud (not a graceful articulator).  I reached the end of the first read through only to realize I was so focused on not getting tangled in the words, that I had no idea what actually happens and had to start all over again.  Has a sort of wake you up keep you on your toes feel.  Just one point of observation, the words are so fun, it sort of seems incongruous to have them spell out such a tragedy. It makes me feel like I was laughing during a funeral.  But, guilt aside, it's fantastically fun.
-Quix

Hi quix,
yep, it was written for fun so guffaw on If you want to test your bladder control, and I am not averse to self-aggrandisement in the cause of science, have a look at Memorable Service on this site. Funerals make me laugh, too.
Best,
tectak

[John]

Hi john,
No, yes you are right The piece is    but that is no excuse. On the peer/peers thing I am wondering if "On the pier the public peers TO scan the scene" might get me over myself. This syntax change then brings "peers to scan" rather than "public peers". What thinkest thou?
By the by, for a while I considered a duality in the "peers" being a noun, i.e. that the public were felt a dread equality with the victim, but it was a tough contrivance. The piece was written just to stretch and yawn, so no clever stuff
Thanks,
tectak.

Hi, tectak. ... peers to scan... doesn't work. Peer and scan are synonymous - duplication of effort. What about squeezing in appear?

On the pier the public appear maintains rhythm, assonance and consonance if you want
and scan the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen…. cue local radio station

Just a thought.

[tectak]

Hi john,
No, yes you are right The piece is    but that is no excuse. On the peer/peers thing I am wondering if "On the pier the public peers TO scan the scene" might get me over myself. This syntax change then brings "peers to scan" rather than "public peers". What thinkest thou?
By the by, for a while I considered a duality in the "peers" being a noun, i.e. that the public were felt a dread equality with the victim, but it was a tough contrivance. The piece was written just to stretch and yawn, so no clever stuff
Thanks,
tectak.

Hi, tectak. ... peers to scan... doesn't work. Peer and scan are synonymous - duplication of effort. What about squeezing in appear?

On the pier the public appear maintains rhythm, assonance and consonance if you want
and scan the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen…. cue local radio station

Just a thought.

Hi john,
I jumped the gun but "appears" tips a syllable too many in to the line as well as changing the meaning. "peer" and "scan" mean the same ? No. Not so. "To peer. To look intently, searchingly, or with difficulty", " To scan. Observe repeatedly or sweepingly, as a large expanse; survey."..so to "peer to scan" is, in the diminishing light and misted air, exactly as I envisioned the activity. Does that make sense? A bunch of people looking intently out to sea and panning this way and that....
Nonetheless, I eat all crit. Thanks again.
tectak

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tom-

Since you've got this one in MISC, I can see that (as you say) you are stretching a bit to get back into maybe more serious stuff.

I usually do not read all the comments before commenting, but again, this is MISC, so I did...

This one is chock full of sonics, which is a great way to limber up.  

Do the sonics betray the (serious) tone of the poem.  Maybe. I let 'em slide, because the sonics and end tone combine to convey a jaded feel.  And jaded is how many of us react to "the news".  Especially if it's "news" that we hear over and over...  

I think multiple people pointed out the pier/peer thing as a cheap rhyme, and of course, I agree.  Might as well join the scrum.  Nothing limbers the critters better than a good old fashioned piling on in the MISC of things... (OK, I'm through being me, now).

I do think that "appear" can work to resolve the peer/pier thing, esp if read aloud, then "appear" could easily camouflage "peer"...   I saw your response to John on his suggestion, and **my opinion** is that if "appear" can fix the rhyme, then the meter can be fixed, as well, so don't be a crybaby over spilled syllables... .  

Actually, and upon review, it just may sound contrived no matter how you cut it when the public appear upon a pier to peer. Good thing it's your poem.

Anywho, just my 2 cents, which may not amount to sense.  

... Mark

[tectak]

Hey Tom-

Since you've got this one in MISC, I can see that (as you say) you are stretching a bit to get back into maybe more serious stuff.

I usually do not read all the comments before commenting, but again, this is MISC, so I did...

This one is chock full of sonics, which is a great way to limber up.  

Do the sonics betray the (serious) tone of the poem.  Maybe. I let 'em slide, because the sonics and end tone combine to convey a jaded feel.  And jaded is how many of us react to "the news".  Especially if it's "news" that we hear over and over...  

I think multiple people pointed out the pier/peer thing as a cheap rhyme, and of course, I agree.  Might as well join the scrum.  Nothing limbers the critters better than a good old fashioned piling on in the MISC of things... (OK, I'm through being me, now).

I do think that "appear" can work to resolve the peer/pier thing, esp if read aloud, then "appear" could easily camouflage "peer"...   I saw your response to John on his suggestion, and **my opinion** is that if "appear" can fix the rhyme, then the meter can be fixed, as well, so don't be a crybaby over spilled syllables... .  

Actually, and upon review, it just may sound contrived no matter how you cut it when the public appear upon a pier to peer.  Good thing it's your poem.

Anywho, just my 2 cents, which may not amount to sense.  

... Mark

Hi mark,
I think I should say thank you but I am not sure Where I take some solace is in your observation that it is contrived...er...yes sirree, it most certainly is...though some of the internal rhymes would place the whole thing in the Fun Forum, it would NEVER touch down in Serious. Hell, I would crit it in to crumbs myself. So what is it for? Well, like I said, a stretch and yawn and pedantic porn. I just can't help it
Very best,
tectak

[Mark A Becker]

What the hey Tom, just go ahead and say it...

... and in advance I'll say, "you're welcome."

See how easy that was

Hi mark,
I think I should say thank you but I am not sure tectak

[tectak]

What the hey Tom, just go ahead and say it...

... and in advance I'll say, "you're welcome."

See how easy that was  

Hi mark,
I think I should say thank you but I am not sure tectak

Thank you

[Grace]

Through the salt-cracked, creaking boards,
sea seethes below.
Round the storm-scoured, rust-crust rails
wild west winds blow.

On the tight-turned switch-back swell
a skewed skiff slides,
disappearing in the troughs
of tearing tides.
 
In the dim of dying day
a clay cloud cleaves.  
Sunlight side-slips through the grey;
dread darkness leaves.

On the pier the public peers
to scan the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen….

tectak2015 Lingua in maxillam

Hi Tectak - just wanted to say two things about this piece. One is that the use of hyphens works well in showing the see-saw rhythm of the boat on the waves. The other is that wild west winds bugs me a bit because I'm picturing the Wild West- as in Indians firing arrows at the boat. However, nothing wrong with that (!) as it could be just me. I enjoyed the read of this, thanks. Grace.

[tectak]

Through the salt-cracked, creaking boards,
sea seethes below.
Round the storm-scoured, rust-crust rails
wild west winds blow.

On the tight-turned switch-back swell
a skewed skiff slides,
disappearing in the troughs
of tearing tides.
 
In the dim of dying day
a clay cloud cleaves.  
Sunlight side-slips through the grey;
dread darkness leaves.

On the pier the public peers
to scan the scene.
No one is there, the ocean bare;
he was last seen….

tectak2015 Lingua in maxillam

Hi Tectak - just wanted to say two things about this piece. One is that the use of hyphens works well in showing the see-saw rhythm of  the boat on the waves. The other is that wild west winds bugs me a bit because I'm picturing the Wild West- as in Indians firing arrows at the boat. However, nothing wrong with that  (!) as it could be just me. I enjoyed the read of this, thanks. Grace.

Thanks grace, all for pleasure...where to put the hyphen in wild west winds?
Best,
tectak

[Grace]

Thanks grace, all for pleasure...where to put the hyphen in wild west winds?
Best,
tectak

I guess wild-west winds, but then again  it could be wild west-winds..but no, wild-west  

[tectak]

Thanks grace, all for pleasure...where to put the hyphen in wild west winds?
Best,
tectak

I guess wild-west winds, but then again  it could be wild west-winds..but no, wild-west  

....bloody cowboy...

[milo]

It should be western, of course.
By then, the syllables . . .

[tectak]

It should be western, of course.
By then, the syllables . . .

west wild winds...?