The Pike

[John]

My favourite fish, and I wrote this donkey's years ago. I was heavily criticised elsewhere for writing about a fish and not having it sound like Blake's The Tyger. There you go. Puts you right off.

I've made some minor alterations from the original (line capitals, inversions,) but I'd like to present it essentially as it was for more meaningful feedback here. Then I'll try again.

Cheers


THE PIKE

Slow and deep, the river runs
across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might
and hidden strength you share?

Bloody pike! the ignorant call.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what they wish.

Broad flat head with sloping teeth,
and powerful fins set back.
Black eyes watch for prey above,
the signal for attack.

Jaws held open, Nature's way:
with vents beneath your chin
to lift you high towards your prey -
that awful, crushing grin.

Green and yellow camouflage;
a piece of waving weed.
Too late for fish and rats and ducks
dragged down for your next feed.

Bloody pike! they call once more.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what we wish.

Splendid fish, a ruthless fish
afraid of none but man.
You can't help the way you are
in life's survival plan.

[ellajam]

Hi, John , a fun read, I think you have plenty to work with here. First, I think you need a better title, something with a hook.

You've essentially got an AABB rhyme scheme going:


Slow and deep, the river runs across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might and hidden strength you share?

I don't think the shortened lines aid the poem, and you might consider adding to the piece to make it ABAB, that can sometimes add a little weight.

A few notes below.

My favourite fish, and I wrote this donkey's years ago. I was heavily criticised elsewhere for writing about a fish and not having it sound like Blake's The Tyger. There you go. Puts you right off.

I've made some minor alterations from the original (line capitals, inversions,) but I'd like to present it essentially as it was for more meaningful feedback here. Then I'll try again.

Cheers


THE PIKE

Slow and deep, the river runs
across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might
and hidden strength you share? Share with who? cheap rhyme.

Bloody pike! the ignorant call.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what they wish.

Broad flat head with sloping teeth,
and powerful fins set back.
Black eyes watch for prey above,
the signal for attack. Fine description but reads to me like the eyes are the signal.

Jaws held open, Nature's way: Nature's way seems like filler.
with vents beneath your chin
to lift you high towards your prey -
that awful, crushing grin. Love this line.

Green and yellow camouflage;
a piece of waving weed.
Too late for fish and rats and ducks
dragged down for your next feed. effective and well done, my fave, maybe a comma after weed. maybe a colon after camouflage (but I suck at punctuation, if someone else has advice take it.

Bloody pike! they call once more.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what we wish. I'm on the fence on the need for a refrain, not sure.

Splendid fish, a ruthless fish
afraid of none but man.
You can't help the way you are
in life's survival plan. Love the first two lines here, the end is a little bland.

I enjoyed the read, looking forward to seeing what you do with it.

[John]

Hi, John , a fun read, I think you have plenty to work with here. First, I think you need a better title, something with a hook.

You've essentially got an AABB rhyme scheme going:


Slow and deep, the river runs across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might and hidden strength you share?

I don't think the shortened lines aid the poem, and you might consider adding to the piece to make it ABAB, that can sometimes add a little weight.

A few notes below.

My favourite fish, and I wrote this donkey's years ago. I was heavily criticised elsewhere for writing about a fish and not having it sound like Blake's The Tyger. There you go. Puts you right off.

I've made some minor alterations from the original (line capitals, inversions,) but I'd like to present it essentially as it was for more meaningful feedback here. Then I'll try again.

Cheers


THE PIKE

Slow and deep, the river runs
across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might
and hidden strength you share? Share with who? cheap rhyme.

Bloody pike! the ignorant call.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what they wish.

Broad flat head with sloping teeth,
and powerful fins set back.
Black eyes watch for prey above,
the signal for attack. Fine description but reads to me like the eyes are the signal.

Jaws held open, Nature's way: Nature's way seems like filler.
with vents beneath your chin
to lift you high towards your prey -
that awful, crushing grin. Love this line.

Green and yellow camouflage;
a piece of waving weed.
Too late for fish and rats and ducks
dragged down for your next feed. effective and well done, my fave, maybe a comma after weed. maybe a colon after camouflage (but I suck at punctuation, if someone else has advice take it.

Bloody pike! they call once more.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what we wish. I'm on the fence on the need for a refrain, not sure.

Splendid fish, a ruthless fish
afraid of none but man.
You can't help the way you are
in life's survival plan. Love the first two lines here, the end is a little bland.

I enjoyed the read, looking forward to seeing what you do with it.

Much appreciated, ella, and taking the time to comment.

Sharing related to the river and the pike with each other - slow and powerful, lots of pent-up/latent energy.
Identified prey are the signal.

The last verse has been through the grinder several times. Hints as to wording always welcome.

Glad you enjoyed it. It's one I'd particularly like to improve. I suppose I'm a traditionalist relishing poems that rhyme, and have some rhythm and metre.

Cheers, again.  

[ellajam]

It might make a nice sonnet, with a contrast between man's view and fish view.

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-8829.html

[just mercedes]

Your poem took me straight into the moat, with Merlin and Arthur (Wart) and the King Pike. (The Once and Future King) Your pike also portrays strength, and a sense of evil that comes from power. You've already had good advice about rhyme, and I noticed that you maintain meter well, throughout the poem. I agree that the title should be a stronger hook. A stronger ending is a good idea too. It just tails away at the moment, fin-ishes low on the scale of closure. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed!

[John]

Your poem took me straight into the moat, with Merlin and Arthur (Wart) and the King Pike. (The Once and Future King) Your pike also portrays strength, and a sense of evil that comes from power. You've already had good advice about rhyme, and I noticed that you maintain meter well, throughout the poem. I agree that the title should be a stronger hook. A stronger ending is a good idea too. It just tails away at the moment, fin-ishes low on the scale of closure. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed!

Many thanks for your input, jm. And nicking the rest of the puns. You've pect(oral) the best. Caud(al) have left some for me, adipose.  

I'm going to rework this and see how it looks in sonnet form.

Cheers again.

[John]

Thanks for your input, IMM. Appreciated.

This piece may well end up as a sonnet in due course.

[billy]

hi john, read the sonnet  you did and enjoyed it.
this version as it stands doesn't work as well. maybe because the format here call for more depth. apart from the word pike i could think of a few fish that match the poem. [ex fisherman here ] zander comes to mind as do a couple of other predatory fish. okay, the green and yellow cam is pike like. while i do like the poem it feels weak, to weak for a vicious pike.  some comments below, some left out because it's in novice

My favourite fish, and I wrote this donkey's years ago. I was heavily criticised elsewhere for writing about a fish and not having it sound like Blake's The Tyger. There you go. Puts you right off.

I've made some minor alterations from the original (line capitals, inversions,) but I'd like to present it essentially as it was for more meaningful feedback here. Then I'll try again.

Cheers


THE PIKE

Slow and deep, the river runs
across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might
and hidden strength you share? could the last two lines be made into a statement rather than a question. there's a lot of fishermen who have caught pike, if it was a fighter most will have a rough idea

Bloody pike! the ignorant call. one syl to many, a suggestion would be purist or something with two syls
Killer! Devil fish! too easy a description that covers most predatory fish.
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what they wish.

Broad flat head with sloping teeth,
and powerful fins set back.
Black eyes watch for prey above,
the signal for attack. i struggled a little here. a suggestion would be

Black eyes watch; the prey above,
a signal for attack.



Jaws held open, Nature's way:
with vents beneath your chin
to lift you high towards your prey - already used prey once
that awful, crushing grin. excellent image

Green and yellow camouflage;
a piece of waving weed.
Too late for fish and rats and ducks
dragged down for your next feed.

Bloody pike! they call once more.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what we wish.

Splendid fish, a ruthless fish
afraid of none but man.
You can't help the way you are
in life's survival plan.

[billy]

i also know the other was not about a pike per say