Breath of the Knowing Earth
#1
Breath of the Knowing Earth

Breath of the knowing earth, bouquet of clay and copper air,
heavy sighs of upturned soil, heavy sighs that carry
like words on quiet breath the drifting scents of evening blooms—
seasonal tongues of pear, of pond, of snow, of rotted corn—
buried beneath these vocabularies, the earth’s unbroken syntax
in song of clay and copper air, knowing beneath all knowing.
Clay is the voice and stone the breath that sing the seasons’ song,
though when the mortal voice is cracked, the stone continues on.

Green-garlanded March, crowned in oak sprays and woodland fir—
ungainly titan, dew-soaked beard gleaming with winter hoar—
staggers up from the north on unsound sap-tanned hand and foot,
leaving mats of crocus and snowdrop where he plants his massive grip,
or shaking off billows of storms from his russet wild mane;
behind him April, little garlanded girl with lilac and pansy,
gay grinning girl leaping through puddles of March’s massive steps;

Her antipode, grave huntress in hides beneath a sanguine moon,
a black-eyed god, breast bare, sexless as the soil;
his a crooked and threadbare gleaner over cropped white stubble,
fingers of trembling twigs combing chaff from his hair in a wreath of rye.

Winsome wisps, fancies of earth—terrible gods of man—
in whose seasonless heart mountains sail a roiling nickel sea,
—thin vapors of earth above rocky leagues of Cambrian dreams—
wisps that flicker in life and seep into crystalline memory.

Petrified there are potencies, unnamed and personless,
in depth, as agate and quartz, the “shall” and “had” in twain engrained;
though one from the press of tectonic thoughts may rise,
and be as a word from mind produced and poured upon the air,
the other as sediment may sink unvoiced, autochthon unborn,
so to repose in memory of the gestating mind beneath memory.

His chisels and pens and harpsichords mold the same undying clay
that in the boundless bosom of earth is sculptor and balladeer;
mind in man is an effigy of the memory whence he is hewn,
and breath in man a coppery sigh of recollected stone.
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#2
I think there some very epic language here, but I'm not sure you should introduce it by warning readers that it might be poetic blustering. This is partly because, in my opinion, readers might be expecting dramatic language to be verified by the substance. However, I give you props for the lexicon you've got going on here nonetheless. 

(08-11-2015, 08:44 AM)Payday Looksee Wrote:  Hello everybody. I'm going out on a limb here and putting my first poem up in Serious Workshopping. I wrote this one and liked the shape it was taking, but it got too unwieldy for me to make it do what I wanted, so I'm putting this monster up for adoption. Please tear it to shreds if it needs it-- I have until now been my only reviewer and critic, so it all gets rather incestuous in my mind after a while...

Breath of the Knowing Earth

Breath of the knowing earth, bouquet of clay and copper air, -- With bouquet of clay I am expecting an apt metaphor because I normally expect bouquet to go along with flowers. I suppose bouquet can also be a scent as well, so maybe that is what you meant. In my opinion, you've got the meter so internal rhyming within the lines is not a high priority, if it is preferred. 
heavy sighs of upturned soil, heavy sighs that carry -- A repeat of heavy sighs is great in a translation of an epic poem, but is it necessarily the most concise way of expression here?
like words on quiet breath the drifting scents of evening blooms—
seasonal tongues of pear, of pond, of snow, of rotted corn—
buried beneath these vocabularies, the earth’s unbroken syntax
in song of clay and copper air, knowing beneath all knowing.
Clay is the voice and stone the breath that sing the seasons’ song, -- Is there a subject agreement problem with sing?
though when the mortal voice is cracked, the stone continues on.

Green-garlanded March, crowned in oak sprays and woodland fir—
ungainly titan, dew-soaked beard gleaming with winter hoar—
staggers up from the north on unsound sap-tanned hand and foot,
leaving mats of crocus and snowdrop where he plants his massive grip,
or shaking off billows of storms from his russet wild mane; -- I half expect roan beauty to come riding in with Terry Crews atop a muscled steed. However, the lexicon is pretty good and something people could learn from. 
behind him April, little garlanded girl with lilac and pansy,
gay grinning girl leaping through puddles of March’s massive steps;

Her antipode, grave huntress in hides beneath a sanguine moon, 
a black-eyed god, breast bare, sexless as the soil; -- The opposite of an Artemis type figure is an earthworm? 

his a crooked and threadbare gleaner over cropped white stubble,
fingers of trembling twigs combing chaff from his hair in a wreath of rye.

Winsome wisps, fancies of earth—terrible gods of man— 
in whose seasonless heart mountains sail a roiling nickel sea,
—thin vapors of earth above rocky leagues of Cambrian dreams—  
wisps that flicker in life and seep into crystalline memory.

Petrified there are potencies, unnamed and personless,
in depth, as agate and quartz, the “shall” and “had” in twain engrained;
though one from the press of tectonic thoughts may rise,
and be as a word from mind produced and poured upon the air,
the other as sediment may sink unvoiced, autochthon unborn,
so to repose in memory of the gestating mind beneath memory.

His chisels and pens and harpsichords mold the same undying clay
that in the boundless bosom of earth is sculptor and balladeer;
for mind in man is an effigy of the memory whence he is hewn, -- Ok, I would probably nix the "for."
and breath in man a coppery sigh of recollected stone.

Ok, I don't really want to give you too much advice because I'm not really sure what to tell you. I would say, however, that you want to be conveying a fresh idea or else I'd pick up an old book of epic poetry or something. I suppose, to, that somewhat antiquated language may pose problems to some newer readers. Interesting read for me, thanks for posting. 
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#3
Thank you for your feedback. I think I am going to do away with the season imagery and see if I can add some clarity.
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