Himalayan Clouds (Third Revision)

[sunilmathur]

Once again, on the basis of suggestions received, I am posting a revision for comments and suggestions.

[billy]

stop, read the poem, read the suggestions. and think about both. while small edits can be done on the fly, major edits; and it does need major edits need a lot of thought.
you could spend an hour or so just weeding out excess verbiage. you could spend more hours trying new line structure.
example below merely an example:

THIRD REVISION
Passing over lofty Himalayan ranges the himalayas in a plane
presents a view of rare and ineffable beauty.
The mountains, enveloped in dense forests
embroidered with meandering rivers and streams
exude the soothing radiance of green.
In the sky is a panoramic show of clouds
appearing in myriad forms:

Passing over lthe Himalayas
presents a rare and ineffable beauty.
mountains enveloped in dense forests
embroidered with meandering rivers and streams
exude a soothing radiance of green.
the sky, a panoramic show of clouds

over the rare and ineffable
beauty of the Himalayas
enveloped in dense forests
embroidered with meandering rivers
streams and a soothing radiance
of green. the sky, panoramic whites
and greys.

i could spend at least another hour just on this one small section, tugging here adding there etc. spend proper time on your edits and you'll work less in the long run.

[sunilmathur]

Thanks billy for your suggestions. I have attempted a further edit on the lines suggested by you.

The OP has made a total of 15 posts on the site, and 11 of them have been on this thread.  The thread is therefore closed until this balance has been redressed.  The OP is able to edit the poem without further comments/ Admin