There isn't enough space in this city.

[newsclippings]

In a large town I found
a girl who couldn't learn 
the days of the week. She
would not bother to keep 
a journal, or a straight thought.

In the summer her feet
would burn picking up mail,
hopping through steps with 
her back turned to me. Up
my shoes she'd climb--into

and up my shoes, I flicked
her lips, folding neatly over 
my inflamed beak, I think.

In a large town I found
a girl whose dance was a 
practiced seizure. Through glass
I saw her jerk, and through 
wall I wanted to lurk

into her skin. Up her
smile. Alone in her thoughts.

[Cousin Kil]

I'm (brand) new to PigPen and this is one of the first pieces I've read being on here
I was worried about running into poems that would disappoint in all essence, but this, pleasantly, is not such a poem
Frankly, I'm not sharp/sophisticated enough to figure out what it means on first read
But maybe that's good
Your poem slinks into the reader well, translating a kind of lust, yet a lovely feeling still
Additionally, I really enjoy how small the poem is
It doesn't try to tackle anything bigger than itself and it knows what it is
And this is what makes it lasting
Your poem lurks, and I like it
I think some lines being put to the grindstone would put it over the top, or at least up there
For instance, "practiced seizure" is a line that lasts because it has such cut to it
I'd love to see lines in the poem with similar strength
But again, don't try to shove square pegs into round holes

Thanks for sharing

[Mark A Becker]

Hey news-
The ending was worth the price of admission for me:

...I wanted to lurk

into her skin. Up her
smile. Alone in her thoughts.


The entire poem moves toward this ending, and I must say that I really, really like when a poem does that... sneaks up on you.  Or in this case, sneaks into her...

The lusting is very well conveyed with the line breaks.  cool beans. ballsballsballsindeed

... Mark

[Turtle]

Hey news-
The ending was worth the price of admission for me:

...I wanted to lurk

into her skin. Up her
smile. Alone in her thoughts.


The entire poem moves toward this ending, and I must say that I really, really like when a poem does that... sneaks up on you. Or in this case, sneaks into her...

The lusting is very well conveyed with the line breaks. cool beans. ballsballsballsindeed

... Mark

I agree with Mark about the balls, as well as the poem. It caught my attention and filled my mind's eye with imagery from the very beginning... the poem. And I didn't even notice your signature until Mark drew my attention to it. Thanks for sharing newsclippings!

In a large town I found
a girl who couldn't learn
the days of the week. She
would not bother to keep
a journal, or a straight thought.

In the summer her feet --- This part caught me off guard a bit, and had a fast-forward effect to me. My imagination had a woman hopping to the mailbox in the late morning sun while the narrator/I watched from the porch.
would burn picking up mail,
hopping through steps with
her back turned to me. Up
my shoes she'd climb--into

and up my shoes, I flicked --- Again I was caught off guard here. Interesting imagery here.
her lips, folding neatly over
my inflamed beak, I think.

In a large town I found --- This definitely brought it around for me, and the last three lines completed a very thought provoking piece.
a girl whose dance was a
practiced seizure. Through glass
I saw her jerk, and through
wall I wanted to lurk

into her skin. Up her
smile. Alone in her thoughts.

[milo]

In a large town I found
a girl who couldn't learn 
the days of the week. She
would not bother to keep 
a journal, or a straight thought.

In the summer her feet
would burn picking up mail,
hopping through steps with 
her back turned to me. Up
my shoes she'd climb--into

and up my shoes, I flicked
her lips, folding neatly over 
my inflamed beak, I think.

In a large town I found
a girl whose dance was a 
practiced seizure. Through glass
I saw her jerk, and through 
wall I wanted to lurk

into her skin. Up her
smile. Alone in her thoughts.

pretty good.

[newsclippings]

Thanks everyone for putting time into feedback. Very much appreciated. Cousin Kil don't let me forget about your most recent post. I've made a habit out of welcoming distractions.

[Wjames]

In a large town I found
a girl who couldn't learn 
the days of the week. She
would not bother to keep I like the half rhyme keep/week.
a journal, or a straight thought.

In the summer her feet
would burn picking up mail,
hopping through steps with 
her back turned to me. Up I like the image.
my shoes she'd climb--into

and up my shoes, I flicked
her lips, folding neatly over 
my inflamed beak, I think.

In a large town I found
a girl whose dance was a 
practiced seizure. Through glass This practiced seizure dance makes me circle back to the woman hopping to get her mail. Are they the same woman?
I saw her jerk, and through 
wall I wanted to lurk

into her skin. Up her
smile. Alone in her thoughts. I really like the ending... makes you think, forces you to go back and read it again (in a good way).

The title makes me think, "This town 'aint big enough for the two of us!".

It, combined with the ending makes me think the narrator is epilepsy itself, watching it's victim's. Of course, that could be completely off from what you were intending, but I think the ambiguity of this one, combined with the specificity of certain scenes really works to let the reader fill in some of the blanks with their own idea.