Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2015
The King of the Old Earth
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged
fallen, wingless drakes
breathe fire just as wicked
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flame
The defeated always learn
to return with better aim
A crown isn't a king;
a kingdom isn't power.
A voice that can only sing
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hate
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
He desecrates the darkness
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost souls
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales
of the luminous deceiver:
Lucifer
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth.
-------------------------------
Any critique is welcome.
Posts: 19
Threads: 3
Joined: Aug 2015
The title itself is vague: "The King of the Old Earth". What is this Old Earth, or is it some mythological reference? The poem begins well in the first two stanzas with the pertinent message that defeat or failure is not the end of things, and that it should not deter one from making further efforts. However, the succeeding paragraphs become more and more vague, and in an effort to enforce rhyming, the meaning is further obscured. "A voice that can only sing obeys the clock, the counted hour". What is this supposed to mean, and how is it relevant to the message you are trying to convey? "To hide is not wise as rebellion against a fate in chambers filled with eyes watching the Holy suffer hate". Again the meaning is obscure and made further obscure by your over-anxiety to rhyme 'fate' and 'hate'. What could have been a very good poem with a message has been spoilt by being overly lengthened, as well as by obscurity and forced rhyming.
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2015
(08-08-2015, 02:47 AM)sunilmathur Wrote: The title itself is vague: "The King of the Old Earth". What is this Old Earth, or is it some mythological reference? The poem begins well in the first two stanzas with the pertinent message that defeat or failure is not the end of things, and that it should not deter one from making further efforts. However, the succeeding paragraphs become more and more vague, and in an effort to enforce rhyming, the meaning is further obscured. "A voice that can only sing obeys the clock, the counted hour". What is this supposed to mean, and how is it relevant to the message you are trying to convey? "To hide is not wise as rebellion against a fate in chambers filled with eyes watching the Holy suffer hate". Again the meaning is obscure and made further obscure by your over-anxiety to rhyme 'fate' and 'hate'. What could have been a very good poem with a message has been spoilt by being overly lengthened, as well as by obscurity and forced rhyming.
Thanks. The reason why there is a lot of the so called "obscurity" is because this is actually part of a piece of prose, so it is not in much context individually. I had hoped that it could still serve as a poem on its own but clearly it needs a bit of explaining. The "Old Earth" is the current earth in the context of the poem.
I do see the over eagerness to rhyme words there, thank you for pointing that out.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
quote='Tigonfre' pid='195162' dateline='1438953176']
The King of the Old Earth
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged
fallen, wingless drakes -- rapper, duck, dragon? I've never seen this word before, or if I did I forgot it.
breathe fire just as wicked -- I don't know about ending the line here. Not sure if you meant for wicked to be the end of a sentence or not, which I guess could work if you used it intentionally.
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flame
The defeated always learn
to return with better aim -- Maybe a period here?
A crown isn't a king; -- This is the most interesting line in here to me because in some sense you could say the crown to refer to a king.
a kingdom isn't power.
A voice that can only sing
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hate
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none. -- Be weary of rhymes for the sake of rhymes if you think there are any in here.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
He desecrates the darkness
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost souls
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales -- Wrinkled is the most compelling word in here for me.
of the luminous deceiver: -- There are some pretty good meanderings here and a good colon.
Lucifer
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth. -- This sounds like a stock phrase that might be used in an epic poem for the purposes of recitation.
-------------------------------
Any critique is welcome.
[/quote]
You've got some meter going on here so that is always good. I think it does get a little confusing though. I suppose we've got good old buddy Milton to regale us in a masterful description of Satan. So, I guess you've got a lot of competition if the old king is Satan or something of that nature. I guess this poem might need a clear direction that is not necessarily a bunch of ominous words strung together, though you could do worse than ominous words strung together. Good luck with it.
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
Hello again Tigonfre-
There is a lot in this poem that I like, and with a few edits it could be much stronger. see in-line notes, below:
The King of the Old Earth I think another title would work better
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged . period needed here
Fallen, wingless drakes
breathe fire just as wicked. period needed here. Please punctuate or the reading gets messed up. That said I love the sound of the line "Fallen"... to "wicked"
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flamePLEASE punctuate. It's really messing with my reading.
The defeated always learn
to return with better aimOverall successful stanza, esp the last two lines.
A crown isn't a king;! good one!
a kingdom isn't power.lesser ! but continues the good one's tone
A voice that can only sing From here.... to the end of the stanza needs to be re-done , I think
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hateBeware the urge to rhyme here, as rhyming typically adds sing-songy sounds that are out of tune here
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
This stanza ids filler that can be cut, as it adds nothing new.
He desecrates the darknessThe poem is listing at this point... you're losing control, letting thr rhymes take over. Resist that urge.
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider I really like the sound of this stanza and the rhymes are much softer/slanted.
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve even slanting the rhymes can't save this stanza
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver meter outta whack here. Maybe : "He is wrath's sole receiver."
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost soulsWe're well into the tale of Lucifer here. The stanza feels a bit unstable.
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales
of the luminous deceiver:
Lucifer
BINGO- here he appears in name. But why? I already know who you speak of.
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth.
OK, I get the "worth" to " earth" rhyme, yet it is another eaxmple of you letting the urge to rhyme drive your writing. You lose a lot of control over the tone and content by doing that, my friend
All of that said, you display more power in this piece than in any other poem of yours that I've read on the site so far. That indicates progress. This could be a very powerful poem of you just let it say what you want it to say, and stop falling back on rhymes to "save" you. Also- PLEASE work on the punctuation. I am no grammarian, but the lack of punctuation in some places damn near destroyed the reading for me. You were writing this for me/us,, right? Then don't allow stumbling blocks to trip us up and things will read a lot smoother.
This is a much longer critique than I intended, but I see something really worth working out in this one. C'mom Tigon, make it burn, burn burn!!
Thanks!
... Mark
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Aug 2015
(08-08-2015, 05:20 AM)Brownlie Wrote: quote='Tigonfre' pid='195162' dateline='1438953176']
The King of the Old Earth
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged
fallen, wingless drakes -- rapper, duck, dragon? I've never seen this word before, or if I did I forgot it.
breathe fire just as wicked -- I don't know about ending the line here. Not sure if you meant for wicked to be the end of a sentence or not, which I guess could work if you used it intentionally.
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flame
The defeated always learn
to return with better aim -- Maybe a period here?
A crown isn't a king; -- This is the most interesting line in here to me because in some sense you could say the crown to refer to a king.
a kingdom isn't power.
A voice that can only sing
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hate
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none. -- Be weary of rhymes for the sake of rhymes if you think there are any in here.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
He desecrates the darkness
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost souls
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales -- Wrinkled is the most compelling word in here for me.
of the luminous deceiver: -- There are some pretty good meanderings here and a good colon.
Lucifer
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth. -- This sounds like a stock phrase that might be used in an epic poem for the purposes of recitation.
-------------------------------
Any critique is welcome.
You've got some meter going on here so that is always good. I think it does get a little confusing though. I suppose we've got good old buddy Milton to regale us in a masterful description of Satan. So, I guess you've got a lot of competition if the old king is Satan or something of that nature. I guess this poem might need a clear direction that is not necessarily a bunch of ominous words strung together, though you could do worse than ominous words strung together. Good luck with it.
[/quote]
Yes, it is a description of sorts starting with the fall of Satan down to his coronation as ruler of earth. In the context of the prose piece that I wrote, however, the poem describes the three different manifestations of evil, which are a dragon (symbolic for destruction) a spider (webs of deception and temptation) and a sweet voice (the master of knowledge and emotions) That's why there are so many paragraphs which appear not to make any sense at all. They rely largely on inside information, but I'll try to cut them out as far as possible.
Thank you very much for the critique.
(08-08-2015, 05:54 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hello again Tigonfre-
There is a lot in this poem that I like, and with a few edits it could be much stronger. see in-line notes, below:
The King of the Old Earth I think another title would work better
Not all that falls breaks
not all that flies is winged . period needed here
Fallen, wingless drakes
breathe fire just as wicked. period needed here. Please punctuate or the reading gets messed up. That said I love the sound of the line "Fallen"... to "wicked"
Embers might still burn
and instill a greater flamePLEASE punctuate. It's really messing with my reading.
The defeated always learn
to return with better aimOverall successful stanza, esp the last two lines.
A crown isn't a king;! good one!
a kingdom isn't power.lesser ! but continues the good one's tone
A voice that can only sing From here.... to the end of the stanza needs to be re-done , I think
obeys a clock, the counted hour
To hide is not wise
as rebellion against a fate
in chambers filled with eyes
watching the Holy suffer hateBeware the urge to rhyme here, as rhyming typically adds sing-songy sounds that are out of tune here
Enslaving the chains of death
does not give might to none.
Ending every breath
does not lead battles won
This stanza ids filler that can be cut, as it adds nothing new.
He desecrates the darknessThe poem is listing at this point... you're losing control, letting thr rhymes take over. Resist that urge.
to rule in bitter spite,
but ruling heartless
leaves neither dark nor light
Webs of lies are best not spun
as to temper with pure fire.
Deception is best undone,
none the wiser, golden spider I really like the sound of this stanza and the rhymes are much softer/slanted.
Venom and deceit are not means
they are the end itself
the end of the Endless streams
wherein serpents never delve even slanting the rhymes can't save this stanza
A graveyard has no throne;
there's no crown for the deceiver.
He is the king of bones;
wrath's sole receiver meter outta whack here. Maybe : "He is wrath's sole receiver."
His legions see his silver armour;
bright, impure and cold;
the wrong child, the false father,
stealing their lost soulsWe're well into the tale of Lucifer here. The stanza feels a bit unstable.
They have vision, though it fails
of their King, the executioner
of old, wrinkled scales
of the luminous deceiver:
Lucifer
BINGO- here he appears in name. But why? I already know who you speak of.
The evil and the banished
relinquishing all worth
in a kingdom long vanished
living solely to serve:
The King of the Old Earth.
OK, I get the "worth" to " earth" rhyme, yet it is another eaxmple of you letting the urge to rhyme drive your writing. You lose a lot of control over the tone and content by doing that, my friend
All of that said, you display more power in this piece than in any other poem of yours that I've read on the site so far. That indicates progress. This could be a very powerful poem of you just let it say what you want it to say, and stop falling back on rhymes to "save" you. Also- PLEASE work on the punctuation. I am no grammarian, but the lack of punctuation in some places damn near destroyed the reading for me. You were writing this for me/us,, right? Then don't allow stumbling blocks to trip us up and things will read a lot smoother.
This is a much longer critique than I intended, but I see something really worth working out in this one. C'mom Tigon, make it burn, burn burn!!
Thanks!
... Mark
Thanks Mark, the critique is much appreciated.
I can see what you mean, especially with my rhyme OCD and punctuation laziness, I'll work on that. With the stanzas that you think I should omit, I think I can change them slightly to make them fit in somewhere, as they carry the essential difference between a poem about one entity to one about three. I really should have worked on them more. The poem was supposed to take the form of an "answered riddle" poem. Those stanzas do not fit that description well enough.
I'll try to make these necessary changes.
|
