Reflections

[heslopian]

Speeding towards my own special death,
will I drown, will I float, will I drink a vial
of posion, be smothered by a lover

in a hospital bed, like that man on the news
who killed his young "friend," as HIV
ravaged his waning system, leaving him

a skeleton, or will such thoughts abandon
me, until I'm old and they seem affable?
"To die would be a great adventure"

wrote J. M. Barrie, and though you may
think that quote melancholy, I see it
as a kiss, a true confirmation

of death's tenderness. Samantha,
when you drowned yourself,
left behind on the shore

not only your ex (were you
and my father divorced by that point?)
but two children by him and a third

previous, were you scared,
were you sad, like a woman
who must shoot herself

before her torturer returns?
Or was it bliss, a strange heaven,
as the waves took your waist

and performed the slow dance?
You weren't afforded a column,
just (eight?) lines of type

in a left hand corner. But that
doesn't matter, of course.
You didn't do it for fame.

If I wasn't a pathetic coward,
I'd accuse you of stealing my thunder
that night. But I am. So I shan't.

"There's no such word as can't"
my teacher once said, and I felt like
replying: "okay, I cannot."

I cannot kill myself, not anytime soon,
so I sit here composing these simple poems,
until life or my courage improves.

[billy]

Speeding towards my own special death, [a little cliche]
will I drown, will I float, will I drink a vial
of posion, be smothered by a lover

in a hospital bed, like that man on the news
who killed his young "friend," as HIV
ravaged his waning system, leaving him

a skeleton, or will such thoughts abandon
me, until I'm old and they seem affable? [is this a question or rhetorical?]
"To die would be a great adventure"

wrote J. M. Barrie, and though you may
think that quote melancholy, I see it
as a kiss, a true confirmation

of death's tenderness. Samantha,
when you drowned yourself,
left behind on the shore

not only your ex (were you
and my father divorced by that point?)
but two children by him and a third

previous, were you scared,
were you sad, like a woman
who must shoot herself

before her torturer returns?
Or was it bliss, a strange heaven,
as the waves took your waist [great image]

and performed the slow dance?
You weren't afforded a column,
just (eight?) lines of type

in a left hand corner. But that
doesn't matter, of course.
You didn't do it for fame. [great two verse]

If I wasn't a pathetic coward,
I'd accuse you of stealing my thunder
that night. But I am. So I shan't.

"There's no such word as can't"
my teacher once said, and I felt like
replying: "okay, I cannot." [for me the poem ends here]

I cannot kill myself, not anytime soon,
so I sit here composing these simple poems,
until life or my courage improves. [this verse feels forced]

everything in quotes is just my opinion.
i struggled a little with the line breaks and the continuation into the next verse for a bit but after a few reads got the hang of it. (good poems need a few reads at least)

the last verse as i said feels awkward and unnecessary.
some great images the flow takes some getting use to but it works. (some will still struggle with it though)

all in all a really good read. the content is obvious, the train of thought works well and apart from the last verse i think you win the coconut

nice write, thanks for the read as always.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Billy Yeah I struggled with that first line so much, but in the end I couldn't find a better replacement.

The question you picked out is directed at myself, I think. I switched from internal monologue to addressing my stepmum halfway through. Shoddy, I know, but I was going with the flow, and then didn't want to edit, lest the poem fall apart.

Thanks for complimenting that waves image I worried that it might be cliche.

Some users on DU really liked the last line, and said it was the best of the best, so now I'm quite confused I myself thought it cliche at first, which further complicates matters...

[Bianca Alabaster]

Oh I think it's a great poem as it is.

---

Your poem reminds me of one that I wrote (I'll post it). Meloncholy isn't a bad mood as long as you don't stay there forever and it makes for good poetry pieces. Good luck to you

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback, Billy Yeah I struggled with that first line so much, but in the end I couldn't find a better replacement.

The question you picked out is directed at myself, I think. I switched from internal monologue to addressing my stepmum halfway through. Shoddy, I know, but I was going with the flow, and then didn't want to edit, lest the poem fall apart.

Thanks for complimenting that waves image I worried that it might be cliche.

Some users on DU really liked the last line, and said it was the best of the best, so now I'm quite confused I myself thought it cliche at first, which further complicates matters...

not sure if it's cliche (the end verse) but it does suck hairy ones at least for me it does. copy and paste the last verse onto a blank page. does it move you or move your bowels? it's often a good test lol

have the ones who said it written a sexton poem like yours? you're capable or better.

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, Billy Yeah I struggled with that first line so much, but in the end I couldn't find a better replacement.

The question you picked out is directed at myself, I think. I switched from internal monologue to addressing my stepmum halfway through. Shoddy, I know, but I was going with the flow, and then didn't want to edit, lest the poem fall apart.

Thanks for complimenting that waves image I worried that it might be cliche.

Some users on DU really liked the last line, and said it was the best of the best, so now I'm quite confused I myself thought it cliche at first, which further complicates matters...

not sure if it's cliche (the end verse) but it does suck hairy ones at least for me it does. copy and paste the last verse onto a blank page. does it move you or move your bowels? it's often a good test lol

have the ones who said it written a sexton poem like yours? you're capable or better.

The ones who said it were depressives, I think. I reckon they liked it because they could see themselves in it, as opposed to any objective reason.

I looked at the verse out of context from the piece, and yeah, it does look pretty forced, like something an "emo" would write before cutting themselves with nail scissors. I'll think about removing it. Thanks for the advice

[Todd]

Hi,

I'm going to put some comments in the lines for your consideration. I like the conversational tone you've set it feels natuaral (the asides, the pauses). Okay to the lines:

Speeding towards my own special death,
will I drown, will I float, will I drink a vial--I wonder about "a vial" here. I don't mind it in general but I wonder if a line break after drink would suit your purpose better (parallel structure, also it fits better with the idea of drowning or floating--sort of like you may drink the water that tries to drown you)
of posion, be smothered by a lover--(love the line break here. It moves from a callous act to a somewhat merciful act once we hit the next strophe).

in a hospital bed, like that man on the news
who killed his young "friend," as HIV[b]--I like "friend" here
ravaged his waning system, leaving him--again great break

a skeleton, or will such thoughts abandon
me, until I'm old and they seem affable?
"To die would be a great adventure"

wrote J. M. Barrie, and though you may
think that quote melancholy, I see it
as a kiss, a true confirmation--strong lines: "I see it..."

of death's tenderness. Samantha,
when you drowned yourself,
left behind on the shore

not only your ex (were you
and my father divorced by that point?)
but two children by him and a third

previous, were you scared,
were you sad, like a woman
who must shoot herself --love this part

before her torturer returns?
Or was it bliss, a strange heaven,
as the waves took your waist--these last two lines are excellent. My favorite in the poem.

and performed the slow dance?--great
You weren't afforded a column,
just (eight?) lines of type

in a left hand corner. But that
doesn't matter, of course.
You didn't do it for fame.--also a great sequence in the last two strophes.

If I wasn't a pathetic coward,
I'd accuse you of stealing my thunder--a tad cliche here. Though you may get away with it because it's conversational. I like the poem enough to want to excuse it for that purpose but probably should just leave it as a call out
that night. But I am. So I shan't.

"There's no such word as can't"
my teacher once said, and I felt like
replying: "okay, I cannot."--solid

I cannot kill myself, not anytime soon,
so I sit here composing these simple poems,
until life or my courage improves.--a bit of a drop off at the end. Maybe consider moving "If I wasn't a pathetic coward" under the "okay I cannot" line. Just a thought. I feel like stepping back into composing these simple poems drains some of the tension you've built.

It is a solid, solid poem though and well worth the read. I think the greatest strength of it again is the tone of the speaker.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Hi,

I'm going to put some comments in the lines for your consideration. I like the conversational tone you've set it feels natuaral (the asides, the pauses). Okay to the lines:

Speeding towards my own special death,
will I drown, will I float, will I drink a vial--I wonder about "a vial" here. I don't mind it in general but I wonder if a line break after drink would suit your purpose better (parallel structure, also it fits better with the idea of drowning or floating--sort of like you may drink the water that tries to drown you)
of posion, be smothered by a lover--(love the line break here. It moves from a callous act to a somewhat merciful act once we hit the next strophe).

in a hospital bed, like that man on the news
who killed his young "friend," as HIV[b]--I like "friend" here
ravaged his waning system, leaving him--again great break

a skeleton, or will such thoughts abandon
me, until I'm old and they seem affable?
"To die would be a great adventure"

wrote J. M. Barrie, and though you may
think that quote melancholy, I see it
as a kiss, a true confirmation--strong lines: "I see it..."

of death's tenderness. Samantha,
when you drowned yourself,
left behind on the shore

not only your ex (were you
and my father divorced by that point?)
but two children by him and a third

previous, were you scared,
were you sad, like a woman
who must shoot herself --love this part

before her torturer returns?
Or was it bliss, a strange heaven,
as the waves took your waist--these last two lines are excellent. My favorite in the poem.

and performed the slow dance?--great
You weren't afforded a column,
just (eight?) lines of type

in a left hand corner. But that
doesn't matter, of course.
You didn't do it for fame.--also a great sequence in the last two strophes.

If I wasn't a pathetic coward,
I'd accuse you of stealing my thunder--a tad cliche here. Though you may get away with it because it's conversational. I like the poem enough to want to excuse it for that purpose but probably should just leave it as a call out
that night. But I am. So I shan't.

"There's no such word as can't"
my teacher once said, and I felt like
replying: "okay, I cannot."--solid

I cannot kill myself, not anytime soon,
so I sit here composing these simple poems,
until life or my courage improves.--a bit of a drop off at the end. Maybe consider moving "If I wasn't a pathetic coward" under the "okay I cannot" line. Just a thought. I feel like stepping back into composing these simple poems drains some of the tension you've built.

It is a solid, solid poem though and well worth the read. I think the greatest strength of it again is the tone of the speaker.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for the feedback, Todd I like your suggestion for the re-arrangement of the final lines; they are a bit weak. I think the poem could be vastly improved simply by removing that last verse; looking back, I find it a bit too self-piteous anyway.
Yeah I thought that "stole my thunder" line was cliche at the time, but that the informal tone might just forgive it; thanks for pointing that out