Unconditional Lust

[yilmazp90]

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote. Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes without it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door,
But never knocks.
He's scared. Scared of abandonment,
Or the rude breach of reality
That comes crashing & barraging down.
Like an uninvited snake waiting,
Waiting for him to pop the question

He is prepared for anything,
With depleted, punctured life jackets.
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction,
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside,
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust.

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic.
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her...
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs.
Don't you know,
That man is slave to what he cannot have?

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles,
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice,
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted,
To the way she bleeds his heart.
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes,
And invents a reciprocation of his affection.

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit,
The credits will read an ongoing,
Unshakable,
Unfailing,
Unconditional Lust.

[shemthepenman]

hello

just some notes:

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote. Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes without it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door
But never knocks - the opening two lines don't make any sense. doesn't bode well for the rest of the poem. however, i must say, i am fascinated to know what you think these lines mean.
He's scared. Scared of abandonment - glancing over the poem I can see you are not making any serious attempt to use punctuation properly, or even conceal the fact that you don't know how to. in which case I am not going to bring punctuation up again. I will say only this, either learn how to do it right, or don't do it at all.
Or the rude breach of reality
That comes crashing & barraging down - the words here all seem like a jumble, and it is difficult to make sense of. I accept that poetry doesn't have to follow tight logical form, but even as images, i can't put them together.
Like an uninvited snake waiting
Waiting for him to pop the question - very confusing opening. the breach of reality (whatever that is) is waiting for him (whoever he is) to pop the question.

He is prepared for anything
With depleted, punctured life jackets - what? sorry, but, what?
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction - one can't seriously use the phrase 'fatal attraction' in a poem - it just can't be done. and 'courtesy of...' sounds like a phrase better used in an advert or something.
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart - this is quite a nice line, nice image.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside - what about 'attempting to steal a glance inside'?
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust - 'or wishful lust' is unnecessary.

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic - again, this doesn't make any sense.
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs.
Don't you know
That man is slave to what he cannot have? - you see, the 'she laughs, he laughs...' lines are good, they give the sense of nervousness or desperation, etc. this is an example of showing not telling; however, the last two lines ruin that by making a declarative statement.

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles - too many insubstantial pronouns. who are they? why are they begging him? why are you begging him, for that matter?
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted
To the way she bleeds his heart
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes - why meat hook? that is so odd. but not in a good way.
And invents a reciprocation of his affection - yeah, apart from being all over the place, both overly poetic and prosaic, inexplicably, at the same time, this is very cliche (although, at the moment, I can really relate to this cliche )

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit
The credits will read an ongoing
Unshakable
Unfailing
Unconditional Lust

so, i fell at the last hurdle, and skipped reviewing the last stanza. all in all this is pretty awful. some of it doesn't make sense, because of the language literally not making sense; some of it doesn't make sense conceptually; you have cliche mixed with odd or randomly placed word choices. the punctuation, well... it reminds me of that quote (i am paraphrasing) 'your poem is both original and comprehensible. Unfortunately, the comprehensible parts aren't original and the original parts are incomprehensible.'

my advise would be, stop trying to say everything. cut a lot of the words out. read the sentences and really ask yourself does that make grammatical sense? does it make any sense? really try to find a clear justification for why you have used a certain word or turn of phrase (and I mean clear justification and not some random idea that makes sense only to you). Don't think that just because it is poetry you can get away with 'well, you don't understand, it's deep man', because nonsense is nonsense and can be done very effectively, but when one doesn't know what they are doing it really is painfully obvious. think hard about what this poem is bringing to the already over-stuffed table of love poems (or, approximate love poems).  What have you given us in this poem that we couldn't find done a million times before and a million times better?

[yilmazp90]

Firstly, the punctuation. I will fix it now, i actually lost the text file of it so i re-typed it from an image file and missed it out.

Secondly the meaning behind the choices of words are not random. "With depleted, punctured life jackets - what? Big Grin sorry, but, what?" to be honest i'm struggling to understand how one can not understand this line. It means that his so called "preparation" for might come has already been used. It's depleted. He's gone through it before.
"He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction - one can't seriously use the phrase 'fatal attraction' in a poem - it just can't be done. and 'courtesy of...' sounds like a phrase better used in an advert or something."
May i ask why one cannot use that phrase? That's pretty blunt, and to be honest, hard feedback to say it cannot be done. The "courtesy of" was an attempt of sarcasm/irony.

I'm also confused with some of your seemingly contradicting feedback. You stated that you were confused with the too many pronouns but then also said that some of the lines were ruined by the declarative statement.

The opening two lines are about approaching the subject of lust but never actually confronting them about it. The "breach of reality"... have you never intentionally eluded finding out the truth because ignorance is sometimes safe, but then that truth is presented in front of you unexpectedly?

Thanks so much for your feedback, i'm looking at it with new eyes and already started trying to improve it from a reader's point of view.

[fluorescent.43]

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote. Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes without it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door,
But never knocks. what? do you mean 'He has curiosity'?-- even then, it's not a good opening line.
He's scared. Scared of abandonment, no comma needed.
Or the rude breach of reality
That comes crashing & barraging down. what what what? the sentence is structure is way wacky here. punctuation is confusing too. 'abandonment' and 'rude breach of reality' are not compatible together.
Like an uninvited snake waiting,
Waiting for him to pop the question 'pop the question' borders on cliché.

He is prepared for anything, you used a contraction in the first stanza. use it here.
With depleted, punctured life jackets. how can a life jacket be depleted?--like 'punctured', though.
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction,
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside,
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust. i see this is a love poem. and the cliché begins...

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic.
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her... last phrase makes no sense, nor is it poetic.
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs. everybody laughs!!!! may i ask why everyone is laughing?
Don't you know, no comma needed.
That man is slave to what he cannot have? enter the generic proverb. mix it up, please.

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles, since you capitalize every line, using these short staccato sentences breaks up the flow even more. and who's 'they'?--i thought this was written from the man's point of view, but it appears to be the woman here.
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice, and... back to the man.
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted, no comma needed.
To the way she bleeds his heart. how do you bleed a heart? cut it out and squeeze it until it's a shriveled lump of muscle?
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes,
And invents a reciprocation of his affection. reading the last two lines makes me think of kinky sex. how did we get from 'shy man unable to knock on door' to... this?

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit, i'm tired of these cliché words. was this relationship just about the sex? if so, you don't need so many euphemistic words to describe it.
The credits will read an ongoing,
Unshakable,
Unfailing,
Unconditional Lust. The Capitals At The Beginning Of Every Line (especially when it's just word) Are Giving Me Headaches. also, this makes no sense. how do credits read lust?

i realize this is the novice section. i also realize i totally bashed this.   sorry!--as a fellow poet, i'd rather be bashed in a critique than politely stepped on.

this poem has potential. it starts off okay, and steadily gets worse until we arrive at a mess of gobbledygook. my main problems with this is the lack of a clear message (what do you want this to say?-- judging from the title and poem, my best guess is a hot sex life [really? is that really what you want to say?]) and inconsistent punctuation and grammar. i'm a firm believer in the art of grammar-- you can bend the rules for poetry, but the sentence structure should be clear and smooth. that might be why you're having troubles with "flow".

a lot of poets seem to think capitals are great. i don't use capitals at all (and i don't suggest copying me), but i think your poem could do with a little less capitalization, especially at the end, when the lines read like a title, not something that flows together.

good luck if you intend to work on this! hopefully i gave you some food for thought.

43.

[tectak]

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote written. Avoid intros. Avoid "i've wrote". Of course you writted it. It is your poem.Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes Read the advice forums on this site. "Flow", whatever that is, has nothing to do with rhymeswithout it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door,
But never knocks. Even in novice, this line makes absolutely no sense. Read it out loud. Not to your mother. "His curiosity for" Huh? ...and for a door? Huh? No. This MUST be rephrased. Do you mean that he is curious about what is behind the door but out of trepidation he cannot bring himself to knock?
So.
"Though curious to see what lies
behind the door, his fear restrains him;
he cannot bring himself to knock." Your poem.

He's scared. Scared of abandonment, What on earth has this got to do with the door? A total disconnect of thought train within a single stanza.
Or the rude breach of reality What is a rude breach of reality? Is "breach" the word you mean to use? How about "rude rush" in view of the next (incomprehensible) line
That comes crashing & barraging down. "barraging" has many definitions none of which permit for a direct linkage with "down". In the military sense you may invoke a sense of the "raining down" of shells; in the context of inquisition you may be "under a verbal barrage"; were you a stream or river, you may be "barraged" to obstruct the flow. I am at a loss, however, to see how a "breach" can "barrage".  
Like an uninvited snake waiting, Now I am on the point of giving up. This is metaphorically, though a simile, equivalent to "my love is like a fingernail that grows until bit off" except that you substituted "drainpipe" for "fingernail".
Waiting for him to pop the question MASSIVE cliche.

He is prepared for anything,
With depleted, punctured life jackets. Gobbledygook...see how I am getting angrier by the line. Poetry should not do this by accident
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction, Oh good grief. You have heard of the film? Yes? Then it is a cliche. You have not heard of the film? You have forgotten that you have heard of it...still a cliche.
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart. Start the poem HERE but rewrite the rest. I apologise if this sounds harsh....oh good grief, what am I apologising for. It is you who should apologise. You have an idea here, you want me to share it, you want me to understand it, you want me to "get" something from it....but you do not want to put effort in to it. Please DO NOT GIVE UP. Just take your time and READ your work OUT LOUD. Punctuate to clarity, stop using silly, outdated, confusing capitals for every line. You can only get away with such a device a) on eulogy sites or b) when your writing is clear enough not to be made worse by the device.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside,
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust. Gobbledygook

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic. I could not fail to disagree with you less....whatever we both mean
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her...
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs.
Don't you know,
That man is slave to what he cannot have? BANG! Sweet death please take me now.

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles,
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice,
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted,
To the way she bleeds his heart.
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes,
And invents a reciprocation of his affection.

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit,
The credits will read an ongoing,
Unshakable,
Unfailing,
Unconditional Lust.

All that can be said has been but take heart; we all post stuff like this in the early years. It is hoped that you are not 85 and have been writing for 80 years...if so, I apologise . If not, I apologise for apologising.
Take this poem and pare it down to the essentials. Write clear, meaningful sentences. Punctuate to clarity. Avoid cliches especially if you have heard them in songs, films or video games. Use similes/metaphors to make your intent an "image" that relates. A "breach of reality" is nothing like anything...least of all "an uninvited snake". KEEP YOUR OWN "STYLE", whatever it may be. You will get better at being yourself....you will get worse at being someone else. If you do not rhyme, fine. If you do not strive for meter, fine. If you do not count syllables per line, fine. If want this to be poetry, tell me why you think it is...it may not be fine by me but someone will say it is fine. That may be all you want...hmmm. Maybe you SHOULD read it to your mother.
Best,
tectak

[Tigonfre]

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote. Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes without it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door,
But never knocks.
He's scared. Scared of abandonment,
Or the rude breach of reality
That comes crashing & barraging down.
Like an uninvited snake waiting,
Waiting for him to pop the question

He is prepared for anything,
With depleted, punctured life jackets.
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction,
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside,
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust.

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic.
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her...
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs.
Don't you know,
That man is slave to what he cannot have?

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles,
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice,
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted,
To the way she bleeds his heart.
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes,
And invents a reciprocation of his affection.

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit,
The credits will read an ongoing,
Unshakable,
Unfailing,
Unconditional Lust.

Once I could recognize what the poem was about it became easier to read. I did not quite understand the message behind it, but I have respect for the idea. My advice to you is to perhaps make the narrator someone involved in the situation and make it clear how this person is involved, because it is quite confusing listening to someone speaking about this insane love and we have no idea where this person fits in the picture.
The imagery of the man "with his back to the meat hook" was very creative. I admire your depiction of this masochistic relationship.