fleas

[Cousin Kil]

EDIT:

fleas

Dogs were howling
in the hollow,
near the sill over the kitchen
sink. My dad could hear them attention-starved blueticks;
rowdy sweet dogs were howling chain-linked
and he was washing dishes with his
dad in the basin.
When dad was young,
carefully clenching the soap,
my grandpa flashed dull arms.
He asked dad if he saw the fleas.
Like black and tanned,
he’d been howling, reeling,
peeling in chips from
plastered evenings.
He’d been clinking tumblers,
sinking, asking his boy
you see the fleas? and there were none.
My grandpa washed with watered scotch
and dogs howled,
sweet and starved,
like father, fleas, son.

------------------------------------

FLEAS

Dogs were howling
in the hollow,
near the sill over the kitchen
sink, my dad could hear them attention-starved
blueticks;
rowdy sweet dogs were howling chain-linked
and he was washing dishes with his
dad in the basin
when he was young
carefully clenching the soap
grandpa flashed dull arms,
asked him if he saw the fleas on them
like black and tanned
he’d been howling, reeling,
peeling in chips from
so many plastered
nightcapped evenings
he’d been clinking tumblers, sinking,
asking his boy
you see the fleas? when there were none
grandpa washed with watered scotch and
dogs howled,
sweet and starved
like father, fleas, son

--------------------------------------

Wrote this a night ago. Beat it up.

[Brownlie]

FLEAS
In the hollow  -- What hollow?
dogs were howling -- Maybe a period here. I originally thought that you were still referring to the dogs with "near the sill..."
near the sill over the kitchen -- 
sink my dad could hear them attention-starved -- Not sure about this line break. Why interrupt kitchen? Interrupting the collocation "kitchen sink" causes a major hiccup in the poem, so if that's what you want than this could be good. If that's not what you want maybe you don't need the line break. That's my BS theory anyhow. Attention starved is an interesting way to describe dogs though, I sort of think.
blueticks, 
rowdy sweet dogs were howling chain-linked -- Howling again?
and he was washing dishes with his  -- I think the subject, which appears to be the father, is kind of hard to track here.
dad in the basin
while he was young
clenching carefully the soap
grandpa flashed dull arms
asked him if he saw the fleas on them
like black and tanned 
he’d been howling, reeling,
peeling in chips from
so many plastered
nightcapped evenings
he’d been clinking tumblers, sinking,
asking his boy
you see the fleas? when there were none
grandpa washed with watered scotch and
dogs howled,
sweet and starved
like father, fleas, son -- Having trouble making out what this means, but I could be having a brain fart or something. This seems to be about alcoholism and delirium tremens or something along those lines. The final line is oddly somewhat reminiscent of John Donne with the flea and the mingled blood and such. 

--------------------------------------

Wrote this a night ago. Beat it up.

My main thing is that you may be able to use punctuation to make the subject clearer. Good luck.

[Cousin Kil]

FLEAS
In the hollow  -- What hollow?
dogs were howling -- Maybe a period here. I originally thought that you were still referring to the dogs with "near the sill..."
near the sill over the kitchen -- 
sink my dad could hear them attention-starved -- Not sure about this line break. Why interrupt kitchen? Interrupting the collocation "kitchen sink" causes a major hiccup in the poem, so if that's what you want than this could be good. If that's not what you want maybe you don't need the line break. That's my BS theory anyhow. Attention starved is an interesting way to describe dogs though, I sort of think.
blueticks, 
rowdy sweet dogs were howling chain-linked -- Howling again?
and he was washing dishes with his  -- I think the subject, which appears to be the father, is kind of hard to track here.
dad in the basin
while he was young
clenching carefully the soap
grandpa flashed dull arms
asked him if he saw the fleas on them
like black and tanned 
he’d been howling, reeling,
peeling in chips from
so many plastered
nightcapped evenings
he’d been clinking tumblers, sinking,
asking his boy
you see the fleas? when there were none
grandpa washed with watered scotch and
dogs howled,
sweet and starved
like father, fleas, son -- Having trouble making out what this means, but I could be having a brain fart or something. This seems to be about alcoholism and delirium tremens or something along those lines. The final line is oddly somewhat reminiscent of John Donne with the flea and the mingled blood and such. 

--------------------------------------

Wrote this a night ago. Beat it up.

My main thing is that you may be able to use punctuation to make the subject clearer. Good luck.

Hey Brownlie, really appreciate the critique
Thanks for pointing out the punctuation issues
There's usually a lack of punctuation in my poetry because it aids the way I want the lines read: fast and ugly, (think I said this in the commentary of another poem).
That being said, I always appreciate it noted because I often miss the necessary punctuation for where I feel my pauses/breaths in the poem.
Those first lines look and sound better to me with what you suggested, I appreciate it.

In regards to the hollow, is it vital to specify? I thought it would give a light sense of location to the reader (suggesting a backcountry location), but is it terrible not to expand on it?

On the line break for sink, that's exactly what I wanted. The hiccup, at least when I read it, puts it in the rhythm I feel when reciting. Same with the "dad in the basin" line. The separation of it from the previous line is in the rhythm of the read. Does that come across? Would love to know.

Finally, on the meaning of the poem, you were pretty much spot on. I wanted to show the degradation of the father/son relationship through the father's alcoholism. "Sweet and starved" isn't there just to tie into the dogs, but to show how the father and son relationship is starved. It's desperate to be normal, but they can't even get through washing dishes together without the father's alcoholism getting in the way, making him hallucinate. The final line even, "like father, fleas, son", is worded that way to show how the alcoholism is interrupting the relationship, even in its position in the phrase. The "fleas" are sucking life from their relationship.

Hope that cleared things up, and again thanks for the critique. All the advice really truly helps.
Many thanks,
CK

[Leanne]

FLEAS

In the hollow,
dogs were howling.  -- I like the alliteration/consonance in hollow/howling, but wonder if this wouldn't be stronger if the lines were reversed.  That way you'd also get a stronger link between hollow and sill over
Near the sill over the kitchen -- this is a strong break -- sink drops heavily onto the next line 
sink, my dad could hear them attention-starved
blueticks, -- not a fan of overusing commas -- if you're going to punctuate, go with a semi-colon or a dash here, or otherwise leave it naked -- and is it strong enough to occupy a line on its own?  You could perhaps try breaking after attention, across the hyphen, just to piss off the anti-enjambment brigade 
rowdy sweet dogs were howling chain-linked
and he was washing dishes with his
dad in the basin -- I like the ambiguity here -- could be the dishes or the dad in the basin, and then we shift to the bath scenario, which is a very neat segue
while he was young -- not sure while is the best word here -- what's wrong with when?
clenching carefully the soap -- an odd inversion, and unnecessary -- carefully clenching gives all the same sonic effects without the Yoda cringe
grandpa flashed dull arms,
asked him if he saw the fleas on them -- I'm not convinced that on them is a necessary addition, but then I don't know if every reader would follow the links and some might just go back to the dogs because they're not too bright, so maybe... you might shove in a quick bit of direct speech here, if you wanted to...
like black and tanned
he’d been howling, reeling,
peeling in chips from
so many plastered
nightcapped evenings -- these few lines are very strong, a downward spiral into the sound of glasses clinking, tying everything together
he’d been clinking tumblers, sinking,
asking his boy
you see the fleas? when there were none
grandpa washed with watered scotch and -- maybe while instead of and would work
dogs howled,
sweet and starved
like father, fleas, son -- the last line reads like the beating of a drum -- powerful and profound

--------------------------------------

Wrote this a night ago. Beat it up.

[Leanne]

Oops, sorry, just saw that this is in Mild... oh well... ignore half of it if you like

[Cousin Kil]

Oops, sorry, just saw that this is in Mild... oh well... ignore half of it if you like

Haha no way, I appreciate any and all feedback, especially when it's good stuff (which has been the case for pretty much all the critiques I've received on this site).
I especially appreciate the bit about switching around "in the hollow" and "dogs were howling", I think it's stronger the way you put it. Also will be checking into the other word changes and omissions, I really appreciate all the thought!
At least when it comes to my stuff, even if it's in Mild, comment as much as you want! It all really helps.

Thanks,
CK