Winter in the city.

[lizzyrose12]

.....

[billy]

Hi! Since I am new I will introduce myself. My name is liz i'm 12 years old, and I love poetry. I would like someone to tell me what they think of my poem. I do not want to be a pro poet, I just do poetry for fun really! So it might not sound really good. Thanks!

first off lizzy, think about whether or not you want a fairly in depth critique, sometimes a little harsh but honest feedback.
or just a few pointers, (mild critique.)

Poem:

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city, where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

for me the lines are too long breaking them up (enjambment) at the point where a pause or comma would be is one of the best ways to make the format more poetical;

The snow falls upon concrete streets
where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces
buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,
where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

really think if small words like the and and add anything to your poem.

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold and radiant thoughts of angels and peace are long forgotten.

for me it could also do with a little enjambment like the first verse

The innocent though still do dream of a wonderland where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.

is do needed

And the foggy lights that shine oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind.
And the snow will always fall.
And that’s when I start to think,
I smile to myself as I realize, all the pain and beauty winter brings
[/quote]

three ands, are any of them needed?

well well well. many adults couldn't write this well. some good imagery,
some great lines;
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.

jack will help with the grammar as i'm not good with it.

would their be better than with in L2?

thanks for the read lizzy.

[heslopian]

Your sentences are rather long - I'd suggest you be ruthless and do a little trimming, or throw in some enjambment like Billy said - but this is a lovely poem. Reading it was a bit like seeing Tim Burton's Gotham City for the first time; a rich and haunting urban landscape. A lot of the critique I'm going to offer will just be grammatical things.

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.
Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.
The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city, where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

Do you really need "upon" in that first line? In the third line, "its" shouldn't have an apostrophe, as the "toll" belongs to winter, if you know what I mean, so it's a possessive term. You don't need "away" after shelter. "Winters" in the third line, on the other hand, does need an apostrophe, because the "harsh symphony" belongs to "winter" (when you mention something's name with an "s" on the end, if it's a possessive term then it needs an apostrophe.

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold and radiant thoughts of angels and peace are long forgotten.

I think you should put a comma after "dirtied." Also, I think you could get away with making "midwinter" one word. The third line is simple but very effective; you're an excellent painter of scenes through words.

The innocent though still do dream of a wonderland where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city with smells of warm baked delights.

Do you really need "do" after "still"? Love the idea of harvesting thoughts which you use. Second line was great also; mingling the sound of jazz and the smell of baking was a great idea. But I don't think you need the adjective "warm." I'd just put "baked delights."

And the foggy lights that shine oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind.
And the snow will always fall.
And that’s when I start to think,
I smile to myself as I realize, all the pain and beauty winter brings

Do you really need a comma after "night"? Other than that, a smashing end to a smashing poem

[Todd]

Hi Liz,

Well I'm new too. You know you have some very cool lines and ideas running through this one. I want to see this structured a little differently to make them pop out more. I do like what you've started and will make a lot of suggestions which you can use, modify, or ignore. I realize you're 12 but I hope you don't mind that I think your writing is good enough that I intend to treat the critique as I would for anyone else. Here are some thoughts for you:

Winter in the city

I'm not in love with the title but it does establish your setting right from the start (which is a good thing).

S1:

From the title were already thinking about winter so in my mind snow is assumed. I wonder if you the first mention of snow buys you anything here.

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.

So, I look at these first two lines and I feel the snow is unneeded because you deal with it later and ground is unneeded because we already have the better choice of concrete streets.

Maybe:

Heavily dressed people hurry
across concrete streets

Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.

Is along needed? The rest of that line seems strong. Though I would introduce a line break. Maybe:

Moving mindlessly their red faces
buried in thick scarves

Again good concrete detail.

The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,

I'm not a fan of stepping out of the moment and making an editorial statement about the cold. I think it's much stronger when you let your images speak for you. Some of this can be blended in a way to still make your point.

where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

I like the stray cats and beggers and I like the idea of winter's harsh symphony playing silently.

Maybe:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter (I don't think you need "away")

Here's where you have some options. I think you could keep:

This is Winter's harsh symphony
playing silently

Or you could choose to go with something like:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter
from winter's harsh silent symphony

I like linking the ideas with "from" but I'm not too crazy about three descriptive words before sympony. So, I'm leaning toward the way you have it now with the option of capitalizing winter in this case with maybe adding the line break.

S2:

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.

I don't think you need at all "which was white is" it's assumed.

Maybe:

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street

Adding it to the front of the section below I mostly want to add some line breaks for you to consider (not sure what I think of these break suggestions but maybe):

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold
and radiant thoughts of angels
and peace are long forgotten.

S3:

I don't think you need "though" after innocent. Maybe change your breaks like:

The innocent still do dream of a wonderland
where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city
with smells of warm baked delights.

S4:

A few minor cut and line break suggestions:

And the foggy lights shine
oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind
that the snow will always fall.
with all the pain and beauty winter brings

It's a good draft. Like I said you have some great lines and ideas in it. I hope some of my comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[lizzyrose12]

Hi Liz,

Well I'm new too. You know you have some very cool lines and ideas running through this one. I want to see this structured a little differently to make them pop out more. I do like what you've started and will make a lot of suggestions which you can use, modify, or ignore. I realize you're 12 but I hope you don't mind that I think your writing is good enough that I intend to treat the critique as I would for anyone else. Here are some thoughts for you:

Winter in the city

I'm not in love with the title but it does establish your setting right from the start (which is a good thing).

S1:

From the title were already thinking about winter so in my mind snow is assumed. I wonder if you the first mention of snow buys you anything here.

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.

So, I look at these first two lines and I feel the snow is unneeded because you deal with it later and ground is unneeded because we already have the better choice of concrete streets.

Maybe:

Heavily dressed people hurry
across concrete streets

Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.

Is along needed? The rest of that line seems strong. Though I would introduce a line break. Maybe:

Moving mindlessly their red faces
buried in thick scarves

Again good concrete detail.

The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,

I'm not a fan of stepping out of the moment and making an editorial statement about the cold. I think it's much stronger when you let your images speak for you. Some of this can be blended in a way to still make your point.

where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

I like the stray cats and beggers and I like the idea of winter's harsh symphony playing silently.

Maybe:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter (I don't think you need "away")

Here's where you have some options. I think you could keep:

This is Winter's harsh symphony
playing silently

Or you could choose to go with something like:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter
from winter's harsh silent symphony

I like linking the ideas with "from" but I'm not too crazy about three descriptive words before sympony. So, I'm leaning toward the way you have it now with the option of capitalizing winter in this case with maybe adding the line break.

S2:

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.

I don't think you need at all "which was white is" it's assumed.

Maybe:

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street

Adding it to the front of the section below I mostly want to add some line breaks for you to consider (not sure what I think of these break suggestions but maybe):

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold
and radiant thoughts of angels
and peace are long forgotten.

S3:

I don't think you need "though" after innocent. Maybe change your breaks like:

The innocent still do dream of a wonderland
where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city
with smells of warm baked delights.

S4:

A few minor cut and line break suggestions:

And the foggy lights shine
oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind
that the snow will always fall.
with all the pain and beauty winter brings

It's a good draft. Like I said you have some great lines and ideas in it. I hope some of my comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Yes, there is a need to mention snow. I see you tried to correct it and I thank you for that, but please don't change the whole poem, which you did. I do not apreciate that.

[Todd]

Hi Liz,

Well I'm new too. You know you have some very cool lines and ideas running through this one. I want to see this structured a little differently to make them pop out more. I do like what you've started and will make a lot of suggestions which you can use, modify, or ignore. I realize you're 12 but I hope you don't mind that I think your writing is good enough that I intend to treat the critique as I would for anyone else. Here are some thoughts for you:

Winter in the city

I'm not in love with the title but it does establish your setting right from the start (which is a good thing).

S1:

From the title were already thinking about winter so in my mind snow is assumed. I wonder if you the first mention of snow buys you anything here.

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.

So, I look at these first two lines and I feel the snow is unneeded because you deal with it later and ground is unneeded because we already have the better choice of concrete streets.

Maybe:

Heavily dressed people hurry
across concrete streets

Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.

Is along needed? The rest of that line seems strong. Though I would introduce a line break. Maybe:

Moving mindlessly their red faces
buried in thick scarves

Again good concrete detail.

The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,

I'm not a fan of stepping out of the moment and making an editorial statement about the cold. I think it's much stronger when you let your images speak for you. Some of this can be blended in a way to still make your point.

where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

I like the stray cats and beggers and I like the idea of winter's harsh symphony playing silently.

Maybe:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter (I don't think you need "away")

Here's where you have some options. I think you could keep:

This is Winter's harsh symphony
playing silently

Or you could choose to go with something like:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter
from winter's harsh silent symphony

I like linking the ideas with "from" but I'm not too crazy about three descriptive words before sympony. So, I'm leaning toward the way you have it now with the option of capitalizing winter in this case with maybe adding the line break.

S2:

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.

I don't think you need at all "which was white is" it's assumed.

Maybe:

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street

Adding it to the front of the section below I mostly want to add some line breaks for you to consider (not sure what I think of these break suggestions but maybe):

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold
and radiant thoughts of angels
and peace are long forgotten.

S3:

I don't think you need "though" after innocent. Maybe change your breaks like:

The innocent still do dream of a wonderland
where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city
with smells of warm baked delights.

S4:

A few minor cut and line break suggestions:

And the foggy lights shine
oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind
that the snow will always fall.
with all the pain and beauty winter brings

It's a good draft. Like I said you have some great lines and ideas in it. I hope some of my comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Yes, there is a need to mention snow. I see you tried to correct it and I thank you for that, but please don't change the whole poem, which you did. I do not apreciate that.

Liz, not meaning that to read as "a change the whole poem" sort of thing more of a way to show you other options. It's hard online to show what you're getting at without actually showing it. If you're comfortable with your choices than you are. Sorry to put you out--wasn't my intention.

Best,

Todd

[lizzyrose12]

Hi Liz,

Well I'm new too. You know you have some very cool lines and ideas running through this one. I want to see this structured a little differently to make them pop out more. I do like what you've started and will make a lot of suggestions which you can use, modify, or ignore. I realize you're 12 but I hope you don't mind that I think your writing is good enough that I intend to treat the critique as I would for anyone else. Here are some thoughts for you:

Winter in the city

I'm not in love with the title but it does establish your setting right from the start (which is a good thing).

S1:

From the title were already thinking about winter so in my mind snow is assumed. I wonder if you the first mention of snow buys you anything here.

The snow falls upon concrete streets where heavily dressed people hurry across the ground.

So, I look at these first two lines and I feel the snow is unneeded because you deal with it later and ground is unneeded because we already have the better choice of concrete streets.

Maybe:

Heavily dressed people hurry
across concrete streets

Moving along mindlessly with red faces buried in thick scarves.

Is along needed? The rest of that line seems strong. Though I would introduce a line break. Maybe:

Moving mindlessly their red faces
buried in thick scarves

Again good concrete detail.

The winter cold has taken it’s toll across this city,

I'm not a fan of stepping out of the moment and making an editorial statement about the cold. I think it's much stronger when you let your images speak for you. Some of this can be blended in a way to still make your point.

where the stray cats and beggars have taken shelter away.
This is winters harsh symphony playing silently.

I like the stray cats and beggers and I like the idea of winter's harsh symphony playing silently.

Maybe:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter (I don't think you need "away")

Here's where you have some options. I think you could keep:

This is Winter's harsh symphony
playing silently

Or you could choose to go with something like:

where stray cats and beggars
have taken shelter
from winter's harsh silent symphony

I like linking the ideas with "from" but I'm not too crazy about three descriptive words before sympony. So, I'm leaning toward the way you have it now with the option of capitalizing winter in this case with maybe adding the line break.

S2:

And the snow which was white is now grey and dirtied thrown about the street.

I don't think you need at all "which was white is" it's assumed.

Maybe:

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street

Adding it to the front of the section below I mostly want to add some line breaks for you to consider (not sure what I think of these break suggestions but maybe):

And the snow now gray and dirtied
thrown about the street
Mid winter magic is all but a dream.
The freezing souls lie in the freezing cold
and radiant thoughts of angels
and peace are long forgotten.

S3:

I don't think you need "though" after innocent. Maybe change your breaks like:

The innocent still do dream of a wonderland
where they can harvest these magical thoughts.
Soft jazz tunes sweep the city
with smells of warm baked delights.

S4:

A few minor cut and line break suggestions:

And the foggy lights shine
oh so faintly at night,
Give me hope for all kind
that the snow will always fall.
with all the pain and beauty winter brings

It's a good draft. Like I said you have some great lines and ideas in it. I hope some of my comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Yes, there is a need to mention snow. I see you tried to correct it and I thank you for that, but please don't change the whole poem, which you did. I do not apreciate that.

Liz, not meaning that to read as "a change the whole poem" sort of thing more of a way to show you other options. It's hard online to show what you're getting at without actually showing it. If you're comfortable with your choices than you are. Sorry to put you out--wasn't my intention.

Best,

Todd

No! That's fine that you did that. I re read what you put and I actually will consider the corrections. Thank you for replying and I have read some of your poetry on here and I like it very much!

[billy]

Lizzy wrote;
Yes, there is a need to mention snow. I see you tried to correct it and I thank you for that, but please don't change the whole poem, which you did. I do not apreciate that.

hi Lizzy. thanks for the opportunity to talk about feedback:

When a person gives feedback or makes a suggestion as to what to changes they think should be made etc, even if they re-write the whole poem. etiquette dictates that the recipient answers in one of 4 ways.

1. Simply says thank you with the intent to use or discard any advice given.
2. Replies to any question put forward, and say thank you with the intent to use or discard any advice given.
   
3. Say thank you and ask a question on points of the feedback you're unsure of.
   
4. Say thank you and lightly discuss the points raised if you want the critic to expound on them
   
5. Ignores any feedback given by not responding to the reply.
   • * Explanations on or about the poem should only be given as a footnote under the body of the poem, or in response to a question etc.
     * Disagreement with the person giving feedback should not be voiced other than by ignoring it. This is because it's merely an opinion and not an order or instruction.
     * Remember that if you respond to the works of others, you will more often than not get responses to your own works in return.
     * Always be gracious and honest in giving feedback.
     * Always be gracious in the acceptance of feedback, Someone has gone to the trouble of reading and responding to your work, no matter how much you may disagree with it.