Cry of Life

[John]

Against the rocks black waters broke
And desperate men no more could stroke
To save themselves from certain doom
Out on the dark and rolling sea
Their mournful cries of Pity me!
Oh, for the safety of the womb.

From howling shore the maid cried out
Her hearing keen for any shout
The babe kicked wildly in her womb
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell
And thus the souls of men entomb

Faint dimming lanterns now and then
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men
Too weak to save themselves from doom
But on the shore more waters broke
The child freed from its natal yoke
And lusty cries rang through the gloom

Out on the dark and rolling sea
Whence came a final Pity me!
The crew fell silent in the spume
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar
To reach the safety of the womb
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock.

[tectak]

Against the rocks black waters broke
And desperate men no more could strokeThe capitalising of each line is retro and very confusing. It is no substitute for competent punctuation...or no punctuation at all.
To save themselves from certain doomCliche  level 2 cc
Out on the dark and rolling seaCliche level ccc
Their mournful cries of Pity me!ccc
Oh, for the safety of the womb.Beware of poetic melodrama. Oh, oh, woe is me...it is dated in absolute terms but moreso it is out of context here. There are better ways of getting the "effect" you want. cc

From howling shore the maid cried outTHE maid? I have not been introduced. Definite articles usually benefit from knowledge a priori. It is just A maid to me.
Her hearing keen for any shoutI know what you mean but it is clunky. Crying out and listening out are contra-indicated. Rework this if only to mitigate the need for obvious rhyme.
The babe kicked wildly in her womb Getting two(sic) womby. Doom, womb, entomb, womb and doom again later, and bloody womb again later still  You need MORE vocabulary, to put it mildly.
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell Complicating the line by switching things round doesn't get rid of the cliches it just means we have to look for them. Irritating
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell
And thus the souls of men entomb Gobbledygook

Faint dimming lanterns now and then faint and dim? one is redundant
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men Like the nauticality of ebbing
Too weak to save themselves from doom AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHG! We are doomed, I tell you...doomed, doomed, doomed.
But on the shore more waters broke
The child freed from its natal yoke You are yolking, of course. Notwithstanding the pun it really is infra dig in this drama. No to this. In another place you would get away with it. I am tempted to say "Just tell the story" leaving out the cringeworthy cleverness. This piece is ambitiously extended but that is to your credit. As a story in rhyme you have something.  
And lusty cries rang through the gloom Getting andy. This vessel is listing

Out on the dark and rolling sea Now ccccc
Whence came a final Pity me! Now, OK, you may have seen this "device" used before. Repetition of a "mantra"--what else can you do with a mantra--DOES work if you make it a driving force in the piece. As it is, you use it like a bell-push, one press plays twice, and so the repetition adds nothing to the intent. Ding! Doorbell...ding ding! Doorbell.
The crew fell silent in the spume If ever there was a forced error this is it...you are womb obsessed. Anything but "spume" would give you opportunities to rhyme beyond your wildest imaginings. The crew fell silent in the lull/spray/night/ebb/dark/hour etc.
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar A good couplet slightly spoiled by the exclamatory start. What does it mean when the narrator SHOUTS, "There!". If the words do not carry the emotion exclamation marks rarely help...in fact, they lessen the impact because in this case, comedically, the reader thinks...Where?
To reach the safety of the womb
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock. Dreadful but you made it so. The word is fate or end. If you cannot get the right word to rhyme with "rock" then change "rock". It is YOUR poem. Beat the hell out of it until it conforms. There is no moving finger here...once writ you CAN go back to it.
Blades flashed and sculled through rock torn strait;
no watery grave would be their fate.
Your poem.

Rip-roaring tales of daring-do are attractive. The core of the piece MUST, though, be clearly transitional...a beginning, a middle, an end. I believe you almost pulled it off but ran out of clear water towards the end. We are left with a bunch of hairy-arsed matelots, stuffed in to a rowing boat for no known reason, cursing their way through a raging sea, a maelstom no less, dotted with pointy rocks (huh?), in the dark, in a storm...when they hear what SHOULD be a metaphorical siren bringing them to their demise...but no metaphor she as she is about to, then does, give birth. Wha? Who? Wh? To make this work the reader MUST be aware of all that you, the writer, is seeing. Does it make sense, does it follow through, is there a SINGLE point or purpose, is there a core metaphor and does it CLARIFY or obscure. Enough for mild. I have gone too far already. Take what you will from this. I like the adventurous poet, both because of boldness of intent and bravery in subject choice...so DO work on this. The main problems are cliche, repetition, forced rhymes, directional uncertainty and lack of any helpful ( yes, that's why it was invented) punctuation.
Best,
tectak

Remember to check your forums... mild critique, Mr Tak/ Admin

[John]

Thank you for taking the time to read through this piece, tectak. Your observations are appreciated and I'll give them keen consideration.

Cheers again.

By the way, what's your cc shorthand - cc, ccc, now ccccc, level 2 cc etc.?

[Leanne]

Hi there John. I welcome a rhymed poem and do like a good ballad. The ocean/womb motifs work well to a point and I appreciate the depth of your figurative language, but we have a few problems here that don't quite pass the McGonagall alert (that's William Topaz, if you're not familiar). There is much to like here but your poem will improve if you allow your rhymes to sound more natural -- the best poetry throughout the ages has tended to be that in which the rhymes are an enhancement but not the sole purpose.

Against the rocks black waters broke
And desperate men no more could stroke -- inverted syntax so close to the beginning of the poem doesn't bode well -- your rhymes should fall effortlessly, without too much twisting of language, otherwise it can seem as though the rhyme and not the poet is in control of the poem.
To save themselves from certain doom
Out on the dark and rolling sea
Their mournful cries of Pity me!
Oh, for the safety of the womb.

From howling shore the maid cried out -- why is the shore howling? This image is odd
Her hearing keen for any shout
The babe kicked wildly in her womb -- this is a good use of emotion as well as bringing back the womb motif
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell -- but good work is undone somewhat with this bodice-ripper-style cliche
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell
And thus the souls of men entomb -- this is grammatically unsound -- they would need to entomb something or be entombed. Again this seems like your rhymes are in charge of your poem

Faint dimming lanterns now and then
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men
Too weak to save themselves from doom -- I can let one "doom" slide but two in a poem is overly melodramatic
But on the shore more waters broke
The child freed from its natal yoke
And lusty cries rang through the gloom

Out on the dark and rolling sea
Whence came a final Pity me!
The crew fell silent in the spume
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar -- another awkward construct due to forced rhyme
To reach the safety of the womb -- it might just be me, but this seems a bit creepy... men trying to swim back into their mothers...
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock. -- and a shame that this doesn't really make loads of sense -- the final line is the one that will be remembered

[John]

Many thanks for your comments, Leanne. You and tectak have given me an idea where the bedrock is on which to build. Liberating in a way.

I don't think explanations from me are warranted as to what I meant, or what was, for me, simple allusion: I should have said it, and you've both explained that.

All taken on board this leaky vessel.

Many thanks again.  

[billy]

hi john, welcome to the site.

first off, big thanks for setting an example of how feedback should be taken.

to the poem:

some good images some not so good clichés. i like the rhyme scheme and the connection of waters breaking and  safety of the womb [though the womb part is cliche] in the first verse.

Against the rocks black waters broke
And desperate men no more could stroke in general inverted syntax spoils a line and often the poem as a whole. here it's just the line
To save themselves from certain doom
Out on the dark and rolling sea
Their mournful cries of Pity me!
Oh, for the safety of the womb. the verse carries to many cliches to stand up well.

From howling shore the maid cried out
Her hearing keen for any shout
The babe kicked wildly in her womb these three lines work really well in setting a fraught image
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell this one lets them down [cliche]
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell i like the [M's] here and the [S's]
And thus the souls of men entomb and good finish to the verse.

Faint dimming lanterns now and then
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men
Too weak to save themselves from doom doom again could doom any good work already done. it's one of those words that should be shied away from
But on the shore more waters broke this line feels a little like overkill in it's repitition
The child freed from its natal yoke this is a great image of birth
And lusty cries rang through the gloom

Out on the dark and rolling sea
Whence came a final Pity me!
The crew fell silent in the spume
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar
To reach the safety of the womb
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock.

[John]

Many thanks for taking the time on this, billy. Appreciated.

The consensus so far, therefore, is to address inverted syntax/rhyme, clarity of narrative, repetition, and clichés. At the same time I'll try and enlarge the positive points on which to hang it all.

Much obliged for your contribution.

[tectak]

Thank you for taking the time to read through this piece, tectak. Your observations are appreciated and I'll give them keen consideration.

Cheers again.

By the way, what's your cc shorthand - cc, ccc, now ccccc, level 2 cc etc.?

cliche level c=level 1
cliche level cc=level 2

I think you get the drift
Good egg,
best,
tectak

[John]

Thank you for taking the time to read through this piece, tectak. Your observations are appreciated and I'll give them keen consideration.

Cheers again.

By the way, what's your cc shorthand - cc, ccc, now ccccc, level 2 cc etc.?

cliche level c=level 1
cliche level cc=level 2

I think you get the drift as this line is level 1 c?  
Good egg,
best,
tectak

That makes sense. Cheers.

[tectak]

Thank you for taking the time to read through this piece, tectak. Your observations are appreciated and I'll give them keen consideration.

Cheers again.

By the way, what's your cc shorthand - cc, ccc, now ccccc, level 2 cc etc.?

cliche level c=level 1
cliche level cc=level 2

I think you get the drift as this line is level 1 c?  
Good egg, Yep, I speak french in France
best,
tectak

That makes sense. Cheers.