Sex is a Battle, Love is War

[joesammsington]

Sex is a battle, love is war
I lay you down on the floor
I plunge my bayonet into your soul
You make my existence whole
I let out a deep sigh
My prick begins to cry

You begin to weep as well
For a baby inside you will dwell

[John]

Hi, Joe.

First question: what has the title to do with your poem? Just can't see it.

You almost started off with some rhythm and metre, but then it all went to pants. In which form are you writing, because I can't decide.

Third line is a terrible double cliché. In all honesty, reading a line like that is normally sufficient to stop me reading further, but that's me. Who are your target market?

Are the crying and weeping suggestive of an unwanted pregnancy?

If you can help out with what it is you're trying to achieve, and how you hope to achieve it, I'll chip in some more if I can.

Cheers

[joesammsington]

Hi, Joe.
First question: what has the title to do with your poem? Just can't see it.
You almost started off with some rhythm and metre, but then it all went to pants. In which form are you writing, because I can't decide.
Third line is a terrible double cliché. In all honesty, reading a line like that is normally sufficient to stop me reading further, but that's me. Who are your target market?
Are the crying and weeping suggestive of an unwanted pregnancy?
If you can help out with what it is you're trying to achieve, and how you hope to achieve it, I'll chip in some more if I can.
Cheers

Thank you much. I don't have a target market really. The crying is suggestive of ejaculation, while the weeping is suggestive of an unwanted pregnancy. I was writing in free verse, or I thought I as. The title really has nothing to with the poem, aside from being the opening line.

[billy]

hi joe, free verse has no rhyme or regular meter.

the main problem with the poem is it's an extended cliche, though my prick begins to cry is a new one for me

look at the last line. it reminds me of the angel speaking to the virgin mary. try not to invert the words. try and use some fresh images. plunge and bayonet are def a no no, as would be meat dagger

my dick splits you like an axe split your mother's skull

 you can use the d word, the above is just an example of course, i shot the woman with a crossbow.

Sex is a battle, love is war
I lay you down on the floor
I plunge my bayonet into your soul
You make my existence whole
I let out a deep sigh
My prick begins to cry

You begin to weep as well
For a baby inside you will dwell

[NobodyNothing]

Yeah, like billy said, this ain't free verse.  It has a rhyme and meter scheme.  My suggestion to you would be to read it as such back to yourself, almost like you were performing it.  Make adjustments to the flow of it.

I do like that Virgin Mary/Holy sperm idea...turning it into something modern, as modern as a drunken conquest at a frat party.