Shell Sleep

[Animal Riots Activist]

When lights kick themselves off
and the night sweeps a cool palm
across the sky, I’m right there.

Somewhere in the hanging mist
between the warped catwalks
of a liminal hour, that’s where I am.

When a man and his dog plod out
onto a swath of fresh snow, and the
night sky to the south is corrugated
with orange light and flourescent hum,
that’s where I’ll be.

Don’t hold a candle up,
don’t shine a floodlight
or disrupt the calm, the
singular calm of sleeping
inside a shell. Just know
you are safe at home and
your own are safe at home
and you all will be that way
tonight, just stay inside.

Because tonight
isn’t a chew toy.
Monsters are out,
not the fangly ones,
but the contorted,
the distended,
and the weird.

[cidermaid]

Only a few reads into this one and apoligies for not having the time to give your poem more. There is a a lot i like in this poem although I confess that I find the disconnect between the "I am" statments at the begining and the monstor referances at the end to be distracting. (Is the "I" the monster or not? - i was left confused overall with the message of the poem)
I'll leave you some of my thoughts

When lights kick themselves off  Like theoverall  image not sure about the idea of lights kicking themselves off. Can a light turn itself off...excepting when they self destruct and explode.  (To my mind when something kicks off, it is to have a tantrum)  Perhaps when the lights are kicked off.
and the night sweeps a cool palm  love this image, it almost has a texture to it.
across the sky, I’m right there.

Somewhere in the hanging mist
between the warped catwalks  Again overall I like the image but then the idea of  a warped catwalk of a liminal hour starts to mess with my mind as to what exactly this is and it is distracting to the read because it is one reach too far.  re arranging the stanza so that the progression is in hanging mist, in  liminal hour ,  between catwalks, might help the confusion.  (well for me at least!)
of a liminal hour, that’s where I am.

When a man and his dog plod out
onto a swath of fresh snow, and the  something off here.  Think it might be the swath of fresh,  I get that it is nice to have to sonics of the repeat ss's that you have running through this stanza and i do like. But perhaps it is fresh that could be lost - your poem just a comment on my read.
night sky to the south is corrugated
with orange light and flourescent hum,  Love the image of the corrogated sky but think you could loose the flourescent hum.  Not needed , doesn't fit here.
that’s where I’ll be.   Think these half repeats work well and that you play it well with the switch to  on the last two stanza to not continue with them.

Don’t hold a candle up, Not a fan of this line to close to call for a cliche.  Also a candle feel archaic compare to the rest of the imagery
don’t shine a floodlight
or disrupt the calm, the
singular calm of sleeping
inside a shell. Just know
you are safe at home and
your own are safe at home
and you all will be that way
tonight, just stay inside.  Not a fan of this whole stanza I just don't get the image of sleeping inside a shell from the title i was about unborn chicks or similar shelled animals.   (if so then the candeling referance would be right I suppose!).  Also found the repeated lines / words not adding anything to the read.  You could loose this whole stanza or do a drastic re-write here because it does not add anything for me.


Because tonight
isn’t a chew toy.  liked this as a reverse image.
Monsters are out,
not the fangly ones,  same here good use of fauz playful (madeup) word to convey a sinister image.
but the contorted,
the distended,
and the weird.   Felt disconnected here...why was it not I am....

hope some of this makes sense / helps  AJ.

[Animal Riots Activist]

Thanks for the crit AJ,

It seems that the crux of editing this guy will be relating the first 2 stanzas to the last 2. There's clearly some disconnect between the 'I' portrayed in the first 2 stanzas, who is out in the night, and the 'you' in the final stanzas who is urged to stay in. I'll definitely work to bring them closer together with my next edit. Definitely super helpful crit on both the macro level and the micro level, so thanks!

Em

[billy]

the poem starts off really well for me but the last two stanza seem to let it down a bit, i wonder if they're even needed? i'd suggest making the [that's where i'll be, variation on a refrain and have them in their own lines.

When lights kick themselves off
and the night sweeps a cool palm
across the sky, I’m right there. i like the opening stanza, i'm reading kick themselves off as lighting up without a discernible switch. i wonder if [a cool palm] would read better at the start of the third line, and [i'm right there] have its own line with a line space above and below it? just some food for thought

Somewhere in the hanging mist is [somewhere] needed?
between the warped catwalks
of a liminal hour, that’s where I am. i love the use of liminal, it's use i presume pertaining to dusk/twilight. again i'd suggest [that's where i am] on it's own line.

When a man and his dog plod out
onto a swath of fresh snow, and the the enjambment doesn't work well for me
night sky to the south is corrugated this is a good image, it reminds me of the northern lights though they're predominantly greeny when i saw them, but corrugated is nigh on perfect.
with orange light and flourescent hum, fluorescent
that’s where I’ll be.

Don’t hold a candle up,
don’t shine a floodlight
or disrupt the calm, the
singular calm of sleeping calm, can one of them be substituted?
inside a shell. Just know
you are safe at home and
your own are safe at home
and you all will be that way
tonight, just stay inside.

Because tonight
isn’t a chew toy.
Monsters are out,
not the fangly ones,
but the contorted,
the distended,
and the weird.