One Night by William Marsland.

[billy]

a really minor edit, will do some butchering another time


The small plywood hull
hampers the furrowed swell.
“Splosh, splosh “ the waves laugh,
then slap the citrus green of a pretty prow--
and rings the red buoy’s bell.

Cool salt spray in small amounts
lift and leave the slightly foamy crest
to spray and slightly spot
a slightly spotty face,
and almost wet a vest.

A breeze balloons to blow its breath
into an empty sail. It doesn’t fill the sail that much,
not one tiny little bit.
really not a breezy breeze at all,
more like a breeze’s touch.

From daze at sea to days that be,
a pirate’s sleep can last an ocean’s dance--
Then it’s time to hit the shore,
roll back the sheets and trim the mast;
to give the dream just one more glance,
before he walks the plank.

The original

The small plywood hull,
hampers the furrowed swell.
“Splosh, splosh “ the waves laugh,
then slap the citrus green of pretty prow--
and rings the red buoy’s bell.

Cool salt spray-- in small amounts
lift, and leave the slightly foamy crest
to spray and slightly spot ,
a slightly spotty face,
and almost wet a vest.

A breeze balloons to blow its breath,
into an empty sail. It doesn’t fill the sail that much,
it doesn’t even fill the sail a tiny little bit.
really not a breezy breeze at all,
more like a breeze’s touch.

From daze at sea to days that be,
a pirate’s sleep can last an ocean’s dance--
Then it’s time to hit the shore,
roll back the sheets and trim the mast;
to give the dream just one more glance,
before he walks the plank.

[heslopian]

The small plywood hull,
hampers the furrowed swell.
“Splosh, splosh “ the waves laugh,
then slap the citrus green of pretty prow--
and rings the red buoy’s bell.

Do you really need a comma after "hull"? For me it interrupts the flow. "Splosh, splosh" the waves laugh" seems too cliche and elongated. I would have put something like "The waves, they laugh, those jackanapes," or some kind of metaphor or simile. The syntax, in which you seem to omit connecting words ("pretty prow," for instance, should have a "the" before it) calls to mind John Berryman's Dream Songs. I don't know what I feel about that, whether it looks good or not, so I'll just make the comparison and leave it be.

Cool salt spray-- in small amounts
lift, and leave the slightly foamy crest
to spray and slightly spot ,
a slightly spotty face,
and almost wet a vest.

The enjambment of "small amounts/lift" seems pointless to me, though that's just my opinion. Do you need that comma after "spot"? For once I like the repetition here; I find it quite jolly and sweet, and "almost wet a vest" is lovely.

A breeze balloons to blow its breath,
into an empty sail. It doesn’t fill the sail that much,
it doesn’t even fill the sail a tiny little bit.
really not a breezy breeze at all,
more like a breeze’s touch.

Do you need that comma after "breath"? The line beginning "it doesn't even fill" sounds extremely clunky (IMHO). The final two lines are excellent, though. I love the rhyme of "much" and "touch."

From daze at sea to days that be,
a pirate’s sleep can last an ocean’s dance--
Then it’s time to hit the shore,
roll back the sheets and trim the mast;
to give the dream just one more glance,
before he walks the plank.

"Daze" and "days" is a bit cliche. The second line is beautiful; that metaphor is at once familiar and utterly unique. Love the final twist as well, where we learn that the pirate is facing the plank. Reminds me of a Siegfried Sassoon poem, where a soldier happily returns home and discusses his good fortune at being alive, but then we find out that he's missing a leg.
Your endings are always perfect, and thus they make it easy to forget whatever mistakes you've made before. I find that really annoying

[billy]

i really want to say what the poem is about but i refuse, if the intent can't be seen then it can't be seen

first off thanks for the critique as always.

Do you really need a comma after "hull"? For me it interrupts the flow.

No

"Splosh, splosh" the waves laugh" seems too cliche and elongated. I would have put something like "The waves, they laugh, those jackanapes," or some kind of metaphor or simile.

do you think they seem a bit child like?

The syntax, in which you seem to omit connecting words ("pretty prow," for instance, should have a "the" before it) calls to mind John Berryman's Dream Songs. I don't know what I feel about that, whether it looks good or not, so I'll just make the comparison and leave it be.

i agree, though i'd like to make it "a pretty prow (don't want two the's on the same line here)

The enjambment of "small amounts/lift" seems pointless to me, though that's just my opinion. Do you need that comma after "spot"?

i did it that was so as not the two lines beginning with and in that verse, looking at it again it does look a little clunky, and yes your correct; no comma is needed after spot.

For once I like the repetition here; I find it quite jolly and sweet, and "almost wet a vest" is lovely.

you like something, that's always good

Do you need that comma after "breath"?

NO

The line beginning "it doesn't even fill" sounds extremely clunky (IMHO).

yes it does, i'll sort it out

The final two lines are excellent, though. I love the rhyme of "much" and "touch."
thanks, i tried to keep the same rhyme scheme through out, bar the last line.

"Daze" and "days" is a bit cliche.

i tried to be clever

The second line is beautiful; that metaphor is at once familiar and utterly unique. Love the final twist as well, where we learn that the pirate is facing the plank. Reminds me of a Siegfried Sassoon poem, where a soldier happily returns home and discusses his good fortune at being alive, but then we find out that he's missing a leg.
Your endings are always perfect, and thus they make it easy to forget whatever mistakes you've made before. I find that really annoying

reading something good after such a scathing repost makes gush with happiness (beg)

a good piece of feedback jack, i'll use lots of what you point out in an edit.

[heslopian]

Okay, I'm going to take a guess at this poem's true intent: Is walking the plank a metaphor for leaving your comfort zone and entering a new existence? That you, the pirate, have slept long enough as you dawdle through life on the boat, and now you must reach a different shore and begin again?
Am I even close with any of this?

[billy]

almost.

it's a child's dream.

via, pretty prow
splosh, splosh
roll back the sheets and trim the mast (metaphor)
last line, metaphor for going to school or doing something he doesn't want to.

like i say, if it wasn't clear it wasn't clear and that's my fault as the writer.