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I made a lean-to
to escape from the rain;
then slept for awhile
while the sun did the same.
When I opened my eyes
I was bitten and wet;
at my feet stood a bear
baring teeth that dripped red.
------
This was just me messing around trying to make something with repeated words (or I guess syllables) in different contexts that (hopefully) made some sense.
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(07-05-2015, 03:10 PM)Wjames Wrote: I made a lean-to
to escape from the rain;
then slept for awhile
while the sun did the same.
When I opened my eyes
I was bitten and wet;
at my feet stood a bear
baring teeth that dripped red.
------
This was just me messing around trying to make something with repeated words (or I guess syllables) in different contexts that (hopefully) made some sense.
Hi, S1 is a lovely read, S2 not so much for me. Waking bitten and wet made me think mosquito, I think if I was awakened by a bear bite I would not notice I was wet.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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This seems based on a double beat line, except for the first which has only one. I give example.
I made a lean-to
to escape | from the rain;
then slept | for awhile
while the sun | did the same.
When I op | ened my eyes
I was bit | ten and wet;
at my feet | stood a bear
baring teeth | that dripped red.
You could contend that it is in anapest dimeter, but I don't think that really holds up. It still feels to me as if it is a two beat line regardless of the meter. The only problem is the first line. If it were not the first line I don't think it would matter. However it either reads as a single beat or a somewhat difficult two beat.
single "I made a lean-to" the beat on "to" only.
double "I made | a lean-to" The problem is that "lean" is what gets the beat, causing the line to be weak.
The form does not really matter as this is a simple humorous/ironic poem, however the weakness of the first line does impact the humor. That "wet" and "red" do not rhyme takes some of the punch away from the ending.
Nice surprise ending.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Hey hey wj-
S.1 is terrific, but S.2 *though humorous* just ain't believable-- you'd be more likely "shitting with dread"
... Mark
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Thanks for reading everyone. Yes, there wasn't much holding this one together I think.
