Audio: Three Strolls

[Wjames]

Here's a new "spoken word" poem:




I was loping along the edge of town
beneath the midday sun. I saw a bird
soft golden brown, disrupt a rodent's run.
 
Descending sharp with talons taut, it pounced
and clenched its prey. Then rising quickly, proud
but fraught, he shook his prize and flew away.

[billy]

would [i loped along] sound better.
and would [and flew away] work better on it's own line in the text version.
a short poem with a lot of image

[Quixilated]

I vote "I loped along" ... However ... Loping implies jogging and people are usually less in tune with nature while focusing on breathing and punishing screaming muscles.  I find myself wishing the speaker could have been ambling, strolling, meandering, wandering ... Something more prone to nature watching.  But maybe that's the point, maybe you were jogging and the sight stopped you in your tracks?

Also I personally like the "flew away" where it is.

On the whole I like this ... I f eel like I was standing there watching it happen (maybe that's my problem with the lope/stroll issue ... I would NOT have been running) ?

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading guys. I get what you're saying about "loping" guys, I think I might change it to "lilting". This was written in Iambic pentameter (or at least, trying to be), so I'd like to keep that line length/format the way it is for now, but I can see how separating "flew away" could be nice.