The Mandolin

[zeichnicht]

Rewrite

Made for the monster,
played by the pauper,
aged by the sage,
loved by the lunatic
-its neck broken by the bastard.

Played before kings,
sang shivers and dreams,
was a woman,
a lover,
a poet,
a thing.

Now waits mounted on a poor man's wall,
For a master to recall:
the hidden,
the mystery,
the music-
its all in all.


Rip it apart

The Mandolin

Made for the monster
Played by the pauper
Aged by the sage
Loved by the lunatic
-it's neck broken by the bastard.

Played before kings,
Sang shivers and dreams,
Was a woman
a lover
a poet
a thing...

Now waits mounted
on a poor man's wall,
For a master to recall:
the hidden,
the mystery,
the music-
its all in all.

[crow]

Rip it apart 

The Mandolin
--the title indicates this will be an ode on an object which is a musical instrument, a mandolin. Mandolins are soprano stringed instruments that evolved from the lute in the mid-1700s.

Made for the monster[,]
--is the monster commerce? audiences who found lutes inaudible? This is shaky footing to begin with . . . Who is doing the making?
[p]layed by the pauper[,]
--paupers would likely not have had access to mandolins; this romanticization detracts from the sincerity of the ode
[a]ged by the sage[,]
--mandolins are not "aged," in any formal sense that I know, so this confuses me
[l]oved by the lunatic[—]
--again, I can't relate this to the instrument or its origins
[its] neck broken by the bastard.
—what bastard?

Played before kings,
—maybe, but which kings?
[s]ang shivers and dreams,
—unlike bowed instruments, mandolins are plucked, and therefore can't be said to "sing"
[w]as a woman[,]
a lover[,]
a poet[,]
a thing...

Now waits mounted
on a poor man's wall,
—why? who is the poor man?
[f]or a master to recall:
the hidden,
the myster[ious],
the music[al][—]
its all in all.
--the last line is a punt

[Animal Riots Activist]

Rip it apart Much obliged!

The Mandolin

Made for the monster -unless capitalizing the first word of every line serves a specific function, just capitalize like you would a sentence.
Played by the pauper
Aged by the sage
Loved by the lunatic
-it's neck broken by the bastard. -I really enjoy this first stanza. You might consider omitting '-it's neck' to keep the parallel structure around throughout the whole stanza. Oh and if you decided to keep 'it's neck', omit the apostrophe at least  

Played before kings,
Sang shivers and dreams, -I like the idea of singing shivers, but singing dreams falls short here. It's a bit of an abstraction, whereas shivers is a rather concrete image
Was a woman
a lover
a poet
a thing... not sure how ellipsis are functioning here. Are they akin to an etc, or a pause in a dialogue? If you cant say, I would cut them.

Now she waits mounted i like the idea of the mandolin being a woman, you should bring it back here. also makes a perhaps (un)wanted double entendre
on a poor man's wall,
For a master to recall: -I think this rhyme doesn't function very well. maybe recollect/remember/revive instead of recall?
the hidden,
the mystery,
the music-
its all in all. -this final line makes the reader struggle a bit, which I think is great!

Really solid work here. The only thing I failed to address above is the sets of 3 in the final 2 stanzas. I think they can very easily be said to be cliche or gimmicky, but I think they function rather well here as they are contextualized by the first stanza quite nicely. Just something to consider. Other than the first line capitalization and grammar (you should keep your poem correctly punctuated and capitalized), really just minor edits needed here. Unlike others, I enjoy the romanticization in this poem, as I think its consistent and not overwrought.

All the best,
Em

[zeichnicht]

Thanks Crow and Em for taking the time, much appreciated, I struggle a bit with my punctuation. I'm doing a bit of a rewrite here keeping in mind your comments, I will also say why I am doing certain things and then please correct me if I am wrong on this or could perhaps do it some better way.

Made for the monster,
played by the pauper,not disingenuous, Hillbillies for example found it a popular instrument in the 1900s
aged by the sage, instruments age the more you play them- especially if they are played often
loved by the lunatic
-its neck broken by the bastard. The reason the rhythm is broken is to force a pause. - removed the apostrophe



Played before kings,
sang shivers and dreams, its the singers who accompany the mandolin that sing
was a woman,
a lover,
a poet,
a thing.

Now waits mounted on a poor man's wall, didn't want to add "she" because "it" was a thing as well, like it being ambivalent
For a master to recall: recall means more than just remember but includes it, I tried "restore" but it does not rhyme well with wall, it also does not have the same emotive connotation. recall also means evoke.
the hidden,
the mystery,
the music- mysterious and musical would break the rhythm, it is also not as emotively powerful
its all in all. I don't know what a punt means - "its all in all" sums up music, music sums up mystery, mystery sums up hidden its an emotional escalation consummating in its sense of purpose. The theme is about lost purpose.