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A Celestial Regale
A stringed Harp has been playing
a blue yet blissful piece of tune
transcends the holy Transmundane,
and tramples on my ancient prune.
ten thousand cornucopias
of crimson Apples and Cherries;
furbish Eden- garden of stars!
O lo and behold- that faeries
that Eternal, that divine gems:
Seven sisters of Pleiades
chanting blithely in this Realm
white Orchard of luscious feasts
and Heaven of divine Raptures.
Take a sip of my poetic wine,
each drop: ambrosial Allure
exalted to odic Sublime.
A source of splendid Arora:
the beauteous goddess Selene,
bathing in Rose’s mellow nectar
all at once -quiet and serene!
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Hi Claire
Just a couple of thoughts from an amateur...
In your first stanza, it feels a little wordy, and heavy to me. The rhyme of "ancient prune" throws me a bit, as it's the only rhyme, but I'm interpreting that to be a representation of age or awareness of mortality.
In your second stanza I'm unsure of what context "that faires that eternal" are or what it means? That may be my ignorance, but the line doesn't make sense to me.
I like the third and fourth stanzas. I'm not sure what this poem is saying, unless it's describing the realm of ancient deities? It strikes me as very pretty and flowery. This is just my two cents. 
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.
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(07-08-2015, 08:30 AM)queenconstantine Wrote: Hi Claire
Just a couple of thoughts from an amateur...
In your first stanza, it feels a little wordy, and heavy to me. The rhyme of "ancient prune" throws me a bit, as it's the only rhyme, but I'm interpreting that to be a representation of age or awareness of mortality.
In your second stanza I'm unsure of what context "that faires that eternal" are or what it means? That may be my ignorance, but the line doesn't make sense to me.
I like the third and fourth stanzas. I'm not sure what this poem is saying, unless it's describing the realm of ancient deities? It strikes me as very pretty and flowery. This is just my two cents.
ah Thank you for your feedback Constaintine This poem is about the beauty of the universe and the stars that's it! I wrote this poem for an astrological poetry competition for teenagers at my school. I compared the Pleaides with fairies so yeah, the "eternal" and "the fairies" refer to the Pleaides . Thank you very much for your time reading this and Hope you have a great day ^.^
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claire,
Probably some consistency in punctuation would help. Capitalizing after a full stop, standard use of hyphen, no cap after a colon, no coma before "and", these are disruptive to the reading.
Also it helps if a sentence makes sense.
"A stringed Harp has been playing a blue yet blissful piece of tune transcends the holy Transmundane, and tramples on my ancient prune.
One has to let the reader know in some way to what the "ancient prune" refers. Without some kind of key to what it means this sentence makes little sense. Consider also the lack of grammar:
"A stringed Harp has been playing a blue yet blissful piece of (a) tune (which) transcends "
Don't get me wrong, I am all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity.
These sorts of things are peppered throughout this poem.
OK, this is running long for a novice critique so I will say this one last thing. If you have to explain your poem to the reader, then the poem has already failed.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(07-08-2015, 07:35 AM)clairethaoduong Wrote: A Celestial Regale
Hi claire,
Welcome. First of all, I know this is in Novice but I am going to risk a reprimand because I think that you have a passion which is rugged enough to endure some heavy critique. If you feel I have done you a disservice then please say so but even your title is suspect; especially after you disingenuously described your poem as a simple eulogy to the heavens. "Regale" is commonly a verb. Not here. You use it as a noun. I which case it means "a feast" and that is what this poem is about. Tell me I am in the wrong metaphor.
OK. You seem to have some preformed idea of what "poetry" needs to be "poetic". This would not be a bad thing if you could control the urge to paint the whole thing in hyperbole...the language used is just too much OTT to read and absorb the meaning. You are trying to make the word choice greater than the word meaning and as a result the density of the piece makes for a stodgy, fatty, high carbohydrate meal...I am uncomfortably full before I get to the last course.
In text, other areas.
On the plus side, you have words here to create a few really good poems
A stringed Harp has been playing A "stringed" harp? As compared to another kind? Why capitalise "harp". The reader loses confidence in your competence very early on.
a blue yet blissful piece of tune Are blue and blissful mutually exclusive? Why only a "piece" of tune. A tune with bits missing is hard to imagine and a "piece" of a tune is no tune at all. Note your tense. The harp "has", in the past, been playing...you then arbitrarily slip in "transcends". You fail to connect L2 with L3. The word "which" is missing or the grammar is completely wrong...or both. Again, the reader loses confidence
transcends the holy Transmundane,Many would look up "transmundane" but most would not be bothered as even a stab at its meaning with the "holy" descriptor would make the meaning obscure.
and tramples on my ancient prune. A Pythonesque image if ever there was. What "tramples"? The piece of tune? Have you lost the thread of this because though it all "sounds" rich in content it is poor in meaning. That is never a good thing.
ten thousand cornucopias
of crimson Apples and Cherries; Do you know when to use a semi-colon or are you hoping that no one else does? This is just plain wrong.
furbish Eden- garden of stars! You may, under different circumstances, get away the "furbish" word but now I do not trust you. The whole thing is becoming a stylised exercise in bizarre word choice, arbitrary grammar and random capitalisation. This crit is tempted to say "calm down" and try to write with meaning . To enhance flavour a little abstract seasoning beats a dollop of obscurity every time. This tastes entirely of obscurity.
O lo and behold- that faeries
that Eternal, that divine gems: Sorry, but this is dreadfully constructed. If English is not your first language then I apologise...if it is then your English teacher should apologise to you. Read your work OUT LOUD.
Seven sisters of Pleiades Oh, you have found out how to Italicise. Why not colour it purple and embolden? Why do anything at all. It is rather silly and faux-pedantic
chanting blithely in this Realm
white Orchard of luscious feasts
and Heaven of divine Raptures. No. It is a hotch-potch of snippets smacking of dilettanteism. You cannot, just cannot, vomit up cryptic,eclectic references on to the page and expect to be taken seriously. Concentrate on your central metaphor, your "theme" and stick with it. This libertine meandering leads nowhere several times per stanza. Get a grip on your capitalising, grammar and word economy.
Take a sip of my poetic wine,
each drop: ambrosial Allure
exalted to odic Sublime. Gobbledygook
A source of splendid Arora: Arora?
the beauteous goddess Selene,
bathing in Rose’s mellow nectar
all at once -quiet and serene! What?
Look, I can see you are swollen to bursting with the poetic pressure. Do not explode. Slowly release the valve and try again. You have a lot to say...maybe...but right now it seems as though the piece was sourced from google...search " Mythology"
We have all been where you are now and after a bottle of Viognier I go back myself. Then I get sober again. Please NOTE! I know what you have attempted here and it is to your credit that you attempted such a large subject. Perhaps the zodiacal signs, with the advantage of familiarity, may have been easier...though as a posturing president once said...we do this not because it is easy, but because it is difficult. Mind you, that was just going to the moon.
Best,
tectak
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