Fond of You

[danny_]

Edit 1:
Fond of You
Evening warmth slips over your face as you turn toward the sun.
Out of all who walk the rocky shore you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt or still wet from your swim.
Nor such carefulness between gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step through gliding cotton foam.

Your eyes almost return to the step you had in mind,
but hesitate a moment, then buoyantly rise to mine.
I've never felt such warmth as in your reassuring tone,
that you prefer my company to just being alone.
And how exhilarating to find that we had thought the same
in that we have both been wanting to say something for days.

^ending is boring. Fix later.

I'm sneaking back in here. Looks like the same good site it was last year. Sharing my first serious attempt at rhyming. I could never manage to rhyme without force and unnaturalness. But it seems if done right, the thing actually starts flowing and has a momentum that pulls the reader through. That's pretty special, but I'm not sure I will manage it. Thanks for any feedback.

A few questions I have:
Is anything unclear?
What is the measure of interest to you?

Original:
Fond of You
Evening warmth slips over your face
as you turn toward the sun.
Out of many on the rocky shore
you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything
so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt
or still wet from your swim;
never such carefulness between
gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step in line
through a gliding cotton foam.
Your eyes almost return
to the step you had in mind,
but hang in space for a moment before
buoyantly rising to mine.
I've never felt such fondness
as in seeing your half-wet figure
forget
about adventure.

[fluorescent.43]

Evening warmth slips over your face like the use of "slip" here, but compared to the rest of the poem the imagery in L1 & L2 isn't too strong
as you turn toward the sun.
Out of many on the rocky shore "out of many" is clunky- maybe go a bit more in depth on the people dotting the rocky shore? as a bad example, "of the silhouettes standing on the rocky shore"- also, why do you capitalize Out here?
you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything
so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt
or still wet from your swim; I'd avoid overuse of "your" in a poem like this- to establish a clearer setting, maybe "from the ocean" instead of "from your swim"? but then of course, the rhyme would be off.
never such carefulness between
gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step in line
through a gliding cotton foam. good imagery and rhythm for the last few lines, but what's the purpose here? I'd advocate the use of a bit more metaphor or figurative language, instead of simply describing what "You" looks like standing on the rocky shore after a swim in the ocean (or at least, that's where I assume this poem is taking place, but the usage of "salt" seems to denote ocean).

Your eyes almost return starting the stanza with the pronoun "Your"... I suppose it drives home the theme of the poem, however.
to the step you had in mind,
but hang in space for a moment before
buoyantly rising to mine. the strongest part of the poem, in my opinion- the last two lines. "Buoyantly" establishes a clearer tone and the imagery is sharp.
I've never felt such fondness fondness? a stronger word could be used here- this line dangerously borders emptiness.
as in seeing your half-wet figure is "as" necessary here?
forget
about adventure.to me, "forget about adventure" is unclear- I can't really infer any meaning from these two lines. Also, is the line break at "forget" just to keep the rhyme scheme going? the single word seems out of place with the rest of the line breaks.

Final thoughts: for a poem about a single person, the slant rhyming is subtly done and doesn't feel forced. I like how the second stanza gave a bit more meaning to the poem overall, but I think the title could be stronger and a little less clichéd. Also, in the strongest parts of this poem, the use of the pronoun "you" or "your" is limited. Too much of that quickly becomes repetitious and jarring. I think the first few lines L1-L5 could be stronger in terms of creative vocabulary, but that's my personal preference- same with the last four lines. But overall, a very solid poem. Pleasure to read. Do take my words with a grain of salt, though (a lot of grains, actually. a whole teaspoon would be better).

[tectak]

I'm sneaking back in here. Looks like the same good site it was last year. Sharing my first serious attempt at rhyming. I could never manage to rhyme without force and unnaturalness. But it seems if done right, the thing actually starts flowing and has a momentum that pulls the reader through. That's pretty special, but I'm not sure I will manage it. Thanks for any feedback.
A few questions I have:
Is anything unclear?
What is the measure of interest to you?
Does it end too soon?

Hi danny,
notwithstanding your Damascus moment vis a vis rhyming, you do yourself no favours by doubling you couplets  into an ABCBDEFE... scheme. Just as an exercise, no changes:

Evening warmth slips over your face as you turn toward the sun.A
Out of many on the rocky shore you seem the calmest one.A
I've never seen anything so gently touched by wind,B
parting bangs not stuck with salt or still wet from your swim;B
never such carefulness between gleaming lumps of stone C
as your naked feet step in line through a gliding cotton foam. C

Now it is just meter/emphases but with longer lines you have more "space" per line to correct things. So:

Evening warmth slips over your face as you turn toward the sun (15 syllables, but note the emphases)
Out of many all who walk on the rocky shore you seem the calmest one. (15 now. was 16)
I'veNo one that I ever saw anything was so gently touched by the wind(15 was 13,and emphases are close. The repeat of "one" is bad. Your poem. No more of this.)

[b]Fond of You
Evening warmth slips over your face
as you turn toward the sun.
Out of many on the rocky shore
you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything
so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt ...a parting bang? Sheesh , you ARE a fast one...I just stammer, "see yah" What the hell does this mean?
or still wet from your swim; This is getting to the topple over point. Sticking commas and semicolons in to a "sentence" cantilevers the thing out past its own feet. I think a period after "swim" is required.
never such carefulness between
gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step in line
through a gliding cotton foam. The image is fortunately more obvious than the syntax. You need to expand on the "never" because what you fail to say but hope to mean is " (I have) never seen such careful steps as I saw that day when you walked bare-footed through the shallow, swirling water...now and then uncovering gleaming rocks which you took great care to avoid." Even if you left the semicolon in place after "swim" you would still have a fragment to follow.  Read it out loud

Your eyes almost return Unfortunate avoidance (subconsciously?) of a cliche...but  whilst "Your gaze returned" works, I think that "Your eyes returned" implies "Not known at this address".
to the step you had in mind,
but hang in space for a moment before
buoyantly rising to mine. buoyantly. Hmmm. Hanging in space/floating in a fluid. No.
I've never felt such fondness These next three lines are a car crash. It is the "...never felt such fondness", a feeling...juxtaposed with "...as in seeing", an action. You need to tie in the abstractions so that you say " I have never felt such fondness (as I felt) for you when I saw your half-wet (pervert figure. Frankly, this is sterile ). The fondness is probably something else entirely and you don't fool me. Say what you mean...where is the PASSION, LUST and HONESTY. Fondness...sheesh.
as in seeing your half-wet figure "as in seeing your half-wet figure forget about adventure"? What meaneth this. A forgetful figure....huh? This is Serious
forget
about adventure.

Some neat imaginings with well visualised markers. The syntax is probably less important than the rhyme, to you, in this one...but do try to multi-task. If you cannot whilst writing, and I cannot, then put it all to bed in the pre-post edit.
Best,
tectak[/b]

[danny_]

Thank you fluorescent.43, and thank you tectak. You were both helpful.
Agreed with many points and not as much with a few. I've posted a first edit. Probably too soon, I feel the whole dream growing each time I go back, and it's probably not done. It probably stinks, but I'll get there eventually. I had more I wanted to say but ran into trouble because this is written in present tense and I accidentally switched to past tense, had to cut it because I couldn't make them work together. Besides that the ending isn't very impacting, just kinda logical. It's been fun, though.

[tectak]

Thank you fluorescent.43, and thank you tectak. You were both helpful.
Agreed with many points and not as much with a few. I've posted a first edit. Probably too soon, I feel the whole dream growing each time I go back, and it's probably not done. It probably stinks, but I'll get there eventually. I had more I wanted to say but ran into trouble because this is written in present tense and I accidentally switched to past tense, had to cut it because I couldn't make them work together. Besides that the ending isn't very impacting, just kinda logical. It's been fun, though.

But what are unsalted "parting bangs"?
best,
tectak

[danny_]

Thank you fluorescent.43, and thank you tectak. You were both helpful.
Agreed with many points and not as much with a few. I've posted a first edit. Probably too soon, I feel the whole dream growing each time I go back, and it's probably not done. It probably stinks, but I'll get there eventually. I had more I wanted to say but ran into trouble because this is written in present tense and I accidentally switched to past tense, had to cut it because I couldn't make them work together. Besides that the ending isn't very impacting, just kinda logical. It's been fun, though.

But what are unsalted "parting bangs"?
best,
tectak

Maybe you can help, tectak. I thought it was obvious but perhaps only because I grew up on the beach. Bangs are hair around the forehead cut short, right? Search google for "short bangs". And they are able to be parted or separated by the wind if they are not stuck with dried salt - this happens after swimming in the ocean, the salt is actually visible on the skin and sometimes hair will be stuck together with it. In her case stuck to her face or skin. The wind can only move hair that is not stuck and neither still wet, but only the dried part.

I'll definitely consider if this could be conveyed more clearly in the poem.
Thanks again

[billy]

hi danny,
comments for the edit;

meter. it would really help if you kept a consistent meter
it reads as being a bit wordy.

Out of all who walk the rocky shore you seem the calmest one
You seem the calmest on the rocky shore


it didn't really hold me danny. it feels to drawn out, an easy way to sort out excess wordage apart from cutting away as much of it as you can, a suggestion would be to do smaller vignettes. break it up into 4 short lines of verse. and do as many verse as you have to just a suggestion of course.

I've never felt such warmth as in your reassuring tone,
that you prefer my company to just being alone.
And how exhilarating to find that we had thought the same
in that we have both been wanting to say something for days.

for me the above lines are very weak.  add some spark, something the reader can feel and see.

your warm tone reassures
that you prefer my company to solitude again just a suggestion

your voice reassures...
My company to solitude and just another.

the verse and the meter can be used to good avail but both kill a poem when there's no depth to the words.

Edit 1:
Fond of You
Evening warmth slips over your face as you turn toward the sun.
Out of all who walk the rocky shore you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything so gently touched by wind, [beans gave that effect on me] and yes you have you've seen her is [I've never seen anything so] needed would [a] or [the] before [wind] help me to not think of a fart?
parting bangs not stuck with salt or still wet from your swim. no need for [still]
Nor such carefulness between gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step through gliding cotton foam.

Your eyes almost return to the step you had in mind,
but hesitate a moment, then buoyantly rise to mine.
I've never felt such warmth as in your reassuring tone,
that you prefer my company to just being alone.
And how exhilarating to find that we had thought the same
in that we have both been wanting to say something for days.

^ending is boring. Fix later.

I'm sneaking back in here. Looks like the same good site it was last year. Sharing my first serious attempt at rhyming. I could never manage to rhyme without force and unnaturalness. But it seems if done right, the thing actually starts flowing and has a momentum that pulls the reader through. That's pretty special, but I'm not sure I will manage it. Thanks for any feedback.

A few questions I have:
Is anything unclear?
What is the measure of interest to you?

Original:
Fond of You
Evening warmth slips over your face
as you turn toward the sun.
Out of many on the rocky shore
you seem the calmest one.
I've never seen anything
so gently touched by wind,
parting bangs not stuck with salt
or still wet from your swim;
never such carefulness between
gleaming lumps of stone
as your naked feet step in line
through a gliding cotton foam.
Your eyes almost return
to the step you had in mind,
but hang in space for a moment before
buoyantly rising to mine.
I've never felt such fondness
as in seeing your half-wet figure
forget
about adventure.

[tectak]

Thank you fluorescent.43, and thank you tectak. You were both helpful.
Agreed with many points and not as much with a few. I've posted a first edit. Probably too soon, I feel the whole dream growing each time I go back, and it's probably not done. It probably stinks, but I'll get there eventually. I had more I wanted to say but ran into trouble because this is written in present tense and I accidentally switched to past tense, had to cut it because I couldn't make them work together. Besides that the ending isn't very impacting, just kinda logical. It's been fun, though.

But what are unsalted "parting bangs"?
best,
tectak

Maybe you can help, tectak. I thought it was obvious but perhaps only because I grew up on the beach. Bangs are hair around the forehead cut short, right? Search google for "short bangs". And they are able to be parted or separated by the wind if they are not stuck with dried salt - this happens after swimming in the ocean, the salt is actually visible on the skin and sometimes hair will be stuck together with it. In her case stuck to her face or skin. The wind can only move hair that is not stuck and neither still wet, but only the dried part.

I'll definitely consider if this could be conveyed more clearly in the poem.
Thanks again

I cannot tell a lie...I was completely thrown by the ingness of "parting bangs" to the extent of googling "bangs" for some reassurance that a typo had not slipped in. "parted bangs" yes, "parting bangs" no. There is something inherently wrong with "parting bangs" in the same sense that "parting hairs" would not work...or is it me?
Image wise I can only apologise...clarity? Some disparity.
Best,
tectak

[yilmazp90]

I really enjoyed the edited version. The rhyming certainly made it flow even when it wasn't a "full" rhyme such as: "Your eyes almost return to the step you had in mind,
but hesitate a moment, then buoyantly rise to mine." Even though "mind" and "mine" isn't a huge rhyme i think this was the best part of it, it tells a story and as i read it in my mind it sounded good as well. The ending isn't boring, not at all but you might have something else in mind for it. One thing to improve which i tell to pretty much anyone (maybe it's my problem as a reader haha) but open the lines differently a bit more. "I've never felt such warmth as in your reassuring tone,". I felt that this could've been opened with "Never have i felt...." and then go into it. It would really help the flow of it and to me, when the poem is opened with "i" or "i have" etc it doesn't explore the many emotions that will do the poem justice.

I loved the whole thing. Definitely my kind of poem.