Water Colour

[Wjames]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake.
You painted its double in the water;
your strokes somehow softer than the touch of your lips.

When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky;
I laughed, and followed you into the lake.

[QDeathstar]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake.
You painted its double in the water;
your strokes somehow softer than the touch of your lips.

When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky;
I laughed, and followed you into the lake.

I understand that the strokes is related to the water color of the title, and to swimming in a pond... but I think that strokes is a bad word choice. When I read "your strokes" Im thinking about dehabilitating strokes.... Strokes is one of those words that just doesn't sound nice. To me.

I also think that the poem doesn't do too good a job of painting a picture, but that's all the poem is about afaik... it's more modern art than water color... a spritz of color on a canvas of white. All of the we's, you, and yours fade the color from this painting even more, especially when one considers how short the peice is.

[tectak]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake.
You painted its double in the water;
your strokes somehow softer than the touch of your lips.

When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky;
I laughed, and followed you into the lake.

Hmm. Mixed feelings induced by mixed feelings. There is an overwhelming sense that this is only just holding together. The L1 is statemental and appropriately solid for a hard and factual vignette...at a glance one can see that this is suitable for writing on a vine leaf... but then that prerequisite precision breaks down with the "it" word. Of course "its" is  referring to the sun but no where previously do you say "sun". You say sunset, you say lake. So is "its" (possessive by double) the bleedin' sunset?  "Its"...not like.
L2 is also statemental, even accusatory, YOU painted. And if in any doubt, you used YOUR strokes. You do  not need  to be overpossesive. Why somehow? A cop out. You do not say. I do not know. Do you?

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake;
a double painted by you in the water
in strokes so fine, softer than the brushing of your lips.

Your poem, example only to make my picky point. Ignore.

S3, though, is not good. "When you are done, wipe your  bum." No to this line construction. It is, for me, an image of post-constipational merit...and accordingly needs some adjustment.This is no bad thing as your somewhat weak end may be enlivened if you can avoid the word "lake" again...but I  note that you have a problem as you have used water, too. Is there a metaphor in the house? Metaphors can bear repeat words because of the duality of meaning.So, last line:

I laughed and painted me into your life.

OK.Not ideal, but you paint a nice scene. Seems a shame not to hang it in the light.
Best,
tectak

[Alexearth]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake. A sunset that bleeds... Why not: "We watched the sun bleed over the lake" (For some reason I would say - "over" the lake - )
You painted its double in the water; I would write "You painted "a" double"
your strokes somehow softer than the touch of your lips. Is "somehow" necessary?


When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky;
I laughed, and followed you into the lake. Love the ending. I would maybe only leave: "And I followed you into the lake."

Hey Wjames, just some suggestions! I like short yet strong poems like these, though when writing I prefer not using the "You" and "I" form. 
Love the evening feel and the colors.

Cheers,


Alex

[Brownie]

Hi WJames
It's a beautiful poem full of good imagery, but I'm confused who you are talking to. In the first line you say WE, so that tells me you are talking to someone who wasn't there at the lake, and if you were talking to the one doing the painting, why tell them the story over again since they were there? Unless of course you are telling the story to the sun who you followed into the lake with personification. But then I'm confused about the sun's soft lips. I would think the sun had anything but soft lips! So ya I'm a little confused....but that happens easily and often

[danny_]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake.
You painted its double in the water; i like this. i imagine a similar image of the sunset created in watercolor
your strokes somehow softer than the touch of your lips. it almost seems she's kissing while painting because of this comparison. perhaps could use the tiniest bit of clarity, if anything

When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky; when you were done... hmm, could we say "when you put the brush down" or something 'showing' done.
I laughed, and followed you into the lake. why did you laugh? but i like this bit about going into the lake. but let's use "water" or something, since we already know it's a lake. or change "lake" earlier to "horizon" or something else.

Don't mean to be over the top for this forum. The picture you are painting is wonderful. I wish there was more to express the affection and tenderness of the couple. I mean I wish there was a little more to see in that beautiful moment. Short and simple is nice but if you want to get my heart strings, I want to "see" more of this love. But you are very close to it.

Nice read.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts and everything guys. I agree with lots of what has been said... lots of room for improvement here.

[billy]

in general it feels pretty weak but for some reason i really do like it, maybe because it reads, like a watercolour painting looks. i would have really enjoyed you opening up the poem but it is a good soft image to think about. [line 3 looks like she's giving you a wank but that could just be my dirty mind ]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake. lovely image.
You painted its double in the water;
your strokes somehow softer than the touch of your lips.
When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky;
I laughed, and followed you into the lake.

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

We watched the sunset bleed above the lake.
You painted its double in the water;
your strokes somehow soft ;here I see the line broken to give it more impact, can't explain why
softer than the touch of your lips.
<<------------------------------------------ Not sure if something is missing here? you left a gap,
<<-------------------------------------------it needs a line to tie the two stanzas together just a few words
When you were done, your cheeks were redder than the sky; perhaps "we" so you kissed and red faced etc
I laughed, and followed you into the lake.

I'm not sure how you wanted to paint this picture, water colours tend to be a little vague sometimes, i'm guessing this is what you were going for but it hasn't quite worked. maybe some more detail using soft words?