10-09-2010, 04:15 AM
Small grave,
browning grass -
Nan leaves her flowers.
browning grass -
Nan leaves her flowers.
Haiku
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10-09-2010, 04:15 AM
Small grave,
browning grass - Nan leaves her flowers.
10-09-2010, 09:48 AM
getting there.
normally i'd say leaver out the her. but as there is also a bread called nan i think it a must that you leave it in. i think it passes all the criteria jack. i'd have liked to have seen a stronger image but that would be a nit considering you finally did one
10-09-2010, 10:02 AM
@billy - Thanks for the feedback and kind words The haiku originally read:
Thumbnail tombstone, browning grass - Nan leaves her flowers. We go. I thought the first line skirted a bit too close to metaphor, and a friend advised me that the last two words weren't really needed. Great to know I'm getting there!
10-09-2010, 10:29 AM
you have two cut offs in the original.
and i agree with you about te first line. try swapping lines fro a cleaner image/ ie; brown grass on small grave nan leaves her flowers. try not to use grammar
10-09-2010, 10:38 AM
Would it work if I put a dash after "grave," to illustrate the cutting point?
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