Haiku

[heslopian]

Small grave,
browning grass -
Nan leaves her flowers.

[billy]

getting there.

normally i'd say leaver out the her. but as there is also a bread called nan i think it a must that you leave it in.

i think it passes all the criteria jack. i'd have liked to have seen a stronger image but that would be a nit considering you finally did one

[heslopian]

@billy - Thanks for the feedback and kind words The haiku originally read:

Thumbnail tombstone,
browning grass -
Nan leaves her flowers. We go.

I thought the first line skirted a bit too close to metaphor, and a friend advised me that the last two words weren't really needed.
Great to know I'm getting there!

[billy]

you have two cut offs in the original.
and i agree with you about te first line.
try swapping lines fro a cleaner image/ ie;

brown grass
on small grave
nan leaves her flowers.

try not to use grammar

[heslopian]

Would it work if I put a dash after "grave," to illustrate the cutting point?

[billy]

not really or yes. in the one posted here the cut is obvious.

the one below is the one i'm saying has two cuts;

Thumbnail tombstone,
browning grass -
Nan leaves her flowers. We go. <-----an internal cut with the period (no grammar, that way the cut has to be obvious) a dash works but if the cut is obvious why use the dash. i think when they first wrote haiku in the west they pit the dash in just to show the cut and how they'd got it.

i don't think "we go" works in the original either.
the one posted in the opening post is the better for me.