A spider

[Merrikay]

I was trying iambic pentameter, pretty sure it's all wrong, but a fun attempt, nonetheless.

The sun shines bright upon my window sill,
A spider most pretentiously does crawl,
My mind now screams a spider I must kill!
I grab a nearby lamp intent to maul...
Regrettably my plan now goes astray,
The lamp cord lay in wait across the rug,
I thought I had the spider beat this day,
Piteously, I can only shout Damn Bug!!

[milo]

I was trying iambic pentameter, pretty sure it's all wrong, but a fun attempt, nonetheless.

The sun shines bright upon my window sill,
A spider most pretentiously does crawl,
My mind now screams a spider I must kill!
I grab a nearby lamp intent to maul...
Regrettably my plan now goes astray,
The lamp cord lay in wait across the rug,
I thought I had the spider beat this day,
Piteously, I can only shout Damn Bug!!

pretty close.  You are doing what many do when they first attempt meter which is to twist words into awkward, unnatural positions.  Better to try some different words maybe.  Some examples:

"does crawl"
"intent to maul"
"this day"
"most pretentiously"


You maintain the meter pretty well until the last line.

[ellajam]

I was trying iambic pentameter, pretty sure it's all wrong, but a fun attempt, nonetheless.

The sun shines bright upon my window sill,
A spider most pretentiously does crawl,
My mind now screams a spider I must kill!
I grab a nearby lamp intent to maul...
Regrettably my plan now goes astray,
The lamp cord lay in wait across the rug,
I thought I had the spider beat this day,
Piteously, I can only shout Damn Bug!!

"ReGRETtabLY" is lovely, I'll have to use it the next time my narrator regrets something, although I'm not sure that ever happens. PITeously or PITeousLY, still wrong. Great start, I even enjoyed the content.

[Merrikay]

@milo
Thanks for the advice, duly noted.

@ellejam
Thank you! yep, I let it flop there..I think I'll edit it, and implement milos advice, and repost. (In the same thread this time!)

I'm not sure how this worked, but I was counting to ten on my fingers with each line...

[ellajam]

@milo
Thanks for the advice, duly noted.

@ellejam
Thank you! yep, I let it flop there..I think I'll edit it, and implement milos advice, and repost. (In the same thread this time!)

I'm not sure how this worked, but I was counting to ten on my fingers with each line...

I been known to count the 5 accents on mine.

[billy]

always good to see poets trying new things. a pretty good effort.

i'll go with what milo said

a suggestion;

A spider likes to pretentiously crawl,

try and write the line as you would say it in a conversation then work out a rhyme. and try and work in some poetic devices;

The spider seems to  pretentiously crawl,

The spider pretentiously starts to crawl,

once you have a few lines pick out the one you like best and use it

anyway, good effort

sorry for the feedback in the fun forum

I was trying iambic pentameter, pretty sure it's all wrong, but a fun attempt, nonetheless.

The sun shines bright upon my window sill,
A spider most pretentiously does crawl,
My mind now screams a spider I must kill!
I grab a nearby lamp intent to maul...
Regrettably my plan now goes astray,
The lamp cord lay in wait across the rug,
I thought I had the spider beat this day,
Piteously, I can only shout Damn Bug!!

[Merrikay]

Thanks again for taking the time to give some advice, I love the feedback! Of course, being in fun that's not why I posted it, I wanted to give a giggle.