Equilibrium (originally "Gravity")

[Tiger the Lion]

Equilibrium  Edit -Ambrosial Rev.

I am wobbly;
a crippling confession
hunched on a hungover tongue.
This is not your garden-variety twisted ankle
or splitting head.

The weight of you is not centered.
You should know by now
exactly how this pendulum swings:
indefinitely,
looking for balance in what you just said.




Gravity

I am wobbly.
I am crippling honesty
hunched on a hung-over tongue.
I am not your garden variety twisted ankle
or splitting head.
 
The weight of you is not centered.
You should know by now
exactly how this pendulum swings:
indefinitely,
looking for balance in what you just said.

[Magpie]

Hi Paul, I have yet to unlock this totally, however there is something about it that I really like. Even though I haven't finished with it I've left a couple of thoughts whilst at the same time taking it back up the list to give it some fresh air.

Gravity

I am wobbly. --- The whole poem has the overall feel of a riddle especially the opening
I am crippling honesty
hunched on a hung-over tongue. --- Love the sonics of these two lines
I am not your garden variety twisted ankle --- I think 'garden variety' should be hyphenated
or splitting head. --- Is this meant to be 'splitting headache' or 'split head' or is it indeed short for 'splitting headache' it feels as though it may be a colloquial thing
 
The weight of you is not centered.
You should know by now
exactly how this pendulum swings:
indefinitely,
looking for balance in what you just said.

I get the play with the different meanings of gravity but I seem to be missing the key to tie it altogether or am I looking too hard for something that isn't there and missing the obvious. Like I say, it has got something about it that I really like and it sounds excellent when read out loud. I know this won't be a massive help to you but for the moment it's all I've got and I wanted to say at least something.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[FindingJune]

I have to agree with Mark. These two aren't working together for me. I am really fond of the second stanza.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks guys. Yes, it's a little abstract. Looking for a thread that might sew the pieces together a little tighter.
Paul

[billy]

this is large enough for one of the other forums but while i'm here;
i got lost pretty quickly
i understand the dynamics of the 'gravities' mentioned but am still mainly lost

you're drunk?

Gravity
I am wobbly.
I am crippling honesty
hunched on a hung-over tongue. great line
I am not your garden variety twisted ankle
or splitting head.
 
The weight of you is not centered.
You should know by now
exactly how this pendulum swings:
indefinitely,
looking for balance in what you just said.

[Magpie]

Paul,

I think the confusion comes from the first stanza, which does sound like a riddle. However I think the second stanza works fine and would need very little editing to work on it's own as a poem, it has a better abstract to concrete ratio than the first stanza, if that makes any sense.
I hope I haven't seen the last of those lines in that second stanza,   

Mark

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks Mark. Made some changes. First problem was the title. Probably should have been "balance", but I felt the piece was too short to use it in the title and the body. I'm not 100% convinced it would sound as much like a riddle had we not had the riddle thread active so recently. I understand it's a little tough to piece together - the speaker is not at his best. 

[ChristopherSea]

Paul,

Since both a wobbly individual and an oscillating pendulum
are not at ‘Equilibrium,’ I feel that employing the antithesis
of your title would be more appropriate. Something like
‘Imbalance’ or ‘Seeking Equilibrium’ might work. A title
of this nature could serve to co-join the two stanzas as well.

Additionally, a pendulum does not swing ‘indefinitely’
when displaced. It will traverse back and forth across
the equilibrium position with diminishing amplitude
until the restoring force of gravity brings the bob to rest.

Some scientific fodder to masticate that may help sort
out the poem. See what you think.

I want to know who the you is? /Chris

[Tiger the Lion]

Paul,

Since both a wobbly individual and an oscillating pendulum
are not at ‘Equilibrium,’ I feel that employing the antithesis
of your title would be more appropriate. Something like
‘Imbalance’ or ‘Seeking Equilibrium’ might work. A title
of this nature could serve to co-join the two stanzas as well.

Additionally, a pendulum does not swing ‘indefinitely’
when displaced. It will traverse back and forth across
the equilibrium position with diminishing amplitude
until the restoring force of gravity brings the bob to rest.

Some scientific fodder to masticate that may help sort
out the poem. See what you think.

I want to know who the you is? /Chris

Thanks Chris. It was a help. I was thinking about the antithesis as you say. Haven't quite got it worked out yet. Was also going over the pendulum science. Hmm. I thought by qualifying it as "this pendulum", it became the speaker and didn't necessarily need to adhere to pure physics as closely as the lesser pendulums.   Good to be reminded that the details can't be airbrushed over. 

Paul

[milo]

Paul,

Since both a wobbly individual and an oscillating pendulum
are not at ‘Equilibrium,’ I feel that employing the antithesis
of your title would be more appropriate. Something like
‘Imbalance’ or ‘Seeking Equilibrium’ might work. A title
of this nature could serve to co-join the two stanzas as well.

Additionally, a pendulum does not swing ‘indefinitely’
when displaced. It will traverse back and forth across
the equilibrium position with diminishing amplitude
until the restoring force of gravity brings the bob to rest.

Some scientific fodder to masticate that may help sort
out the poem. See what you think.

I want to know who the you is? /Chris

Just a note:

The "restoring force" of gravity never brings a pendulum to rest, friction does.  Generally a combination of air friction (if on earth) and friction at the joint or bearing.  In addition, an elastic material will produce a small amount of energy dissipation through elastic friction.

HTH

[Magpie]

Paul,

I'm still thinking about this one, but just wanted to say that the change in the second line from 'I am crippling honesty' to 'a crippling confession' has changed the whole thing completely and it has created more of a possible connection between the two stanzas. So in that sense it is a good edit. Actually it's quite amazing how such a small alteration can affect the whole piece in such a big way.

Mark