Is it really real, this feel
That I’m feeling?
Do my eyes see what they see
Or do they deceive me?
For the birds are still at song
As though they’ve not heard
What went wrong
Sky still blue, moon white
Inside me, no fight
Knocked out
Of the love bout
With a single punch
Sent packing without lunch
And what about this feeling?
“Don’t pay it any mind
It was just her revolving door
That you went through
and through some more
Hit you in the behind, you’ll find
The earth’s still in spin my friend
Out as you came in,
The end!”
But no,
I’m changed
Deranged
By the exchange
My real love
For her fake
A story of heartbreak
This ache needs solving
So fetch that gun revolving
One time ‘round is all it takes
Unlike her door
It can’t ask for no more
And with that, a widow it makes
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TBH, I think it is pretty bad
Posts: 1,279
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(03-30-2015, 03:23 AM)nakedwonder Wrote: Because ...
this is miscellaneous.
becauses come from the critical forums.
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its cliche upon cliche, with forced rhyme that tries to be something it isn't
thoughts please isn't a title. have it moved to novice and give it a title. don't be afraid of what people will say. at this point in your writing career you're going to receive some knocks to the ego. use them to learn how to improve your poetry.
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"Because" you have not been approved to post yet. When it says "Newbi" under your avatar then you can post because your critiques have been approved, so far they have not. Try reading: Critique/Feedback-Giving and Getting it @
Site Tutorials and Greetings--How To Use The Pig Pen-->Critique/Feedback-Giving and Getting it. So that you are giving adequate critiques.
Currently you are attempting to circumvent the rules and have now posted two poems and trying to solicit feedback in non-critical forums, I would refrain from posting anymore. Only one of your 3 critiques has been approved and that one only barely. Critiques in non-critical forums do not count. We would love to have you as a member, however we do not appreciate those who try to circumvent rules. Please focus on your critiques.
dale/mod
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Hello,
have you ever heard the quote by I don't know who, 'everyone has a book in them, but for most people that is where it should stay.'? Well, everyone has a 'oh I've been fucked over by love' poem in them, and again, that is, for most, where it should stay... but if you do find your hand wandering towards a pen and paper, then maybe it should stay in the draw marked 'never to be read'.
Your 'poem' is obviously for you. There is nothing literary or creative or anything about it anyone wants to read. It is all too clear, and all too clearly boring and obvious.
Some advise, poetry is not about rhyming and line breaks and 'emotions' or love or expressing yourself... it is about reading, work, writing, again and again, failing, and understanding that writing poetry isn't about what you think or feel, it is about writing.
I think you really need to work on your flow. You seem to end lines only for the reason for a rhyme and when reading it I can't pick up any sense of rhythm (meter possibly? I'm a lyricist so my poetry terms may be off). You should also work on word choice. The first line stuck out with me because "this feel that I'm feeling" does not sound good. And while cliches do have their place (a well placed one can really hit home) there are far too many in your piece. However, don't give up! As you keep reading other's work and continue writing you will improve.
