Mammals

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey guys. I originally posted this in the practice thread for sonnets. I don't generally write sonnets but I think it's important to have a grasp on as many forms as possible. I'm kinda bumping this to mild, not as much for crit on the poems content (as it's not my best), but more so I might be able to get an idea as to how I did with the form- meter, line breaks etc. Any form related observations would be helpful.
Thanks. 


Mammals 

 
I heard your prodigal pheromone song
centuries before you whispered your name.
I was drunk on it, and danced to it long                                 
into night, long before dawn ever came—
cutting in, to connect us formally.
A peripheral glimpse dubbed you betrothed;
not consulting with eyes that normally
want; want to see potential brides unclothed
of mystery— want and need to know now.
But even if I close my eyes and nose
and ears to shut your essence out somehow,
there’s something stuck in my stomach that knows:
when we were just mammals, mingling mildly
in another life, you loved me wildly.

[Brownlie]

Hey guys. I originally posted this in the practice thread for sonnets. I don't generally write sonnets but I think it's important to have a grasp on as many forms as possible. I'm kinda bumping this to mild, not as much for crit on the poems content (as it's not my best), but more so I might be able to get an idea as to how I did with the form- meter, line breaks etc. Any form related observations would be helpful.
Thanks. 

I haven't looked at these things in awhile, but it looks like you've got a sort of Shakespearean thing with some possible near rhymes (hence the d and a halves).

Mammals 

 
I heard your prodigal pheromone song -a 
centuries before you whispered your name. -b
I was drunk on it, and danced to it long- a                                 
into night, long before dawn ever came— - b into night is a possible grammar hiccup thing.
cutting in, to connect us formally. - c
A peripheral glimpse dubbed you betrothed; - d
not consulting with eyes that normally - c
want; want to see potential brides unclothed - d
of mystery— want and need to know now. -e
But even if I close my eyes and nose -d and a half
and ears to shut your essence out somehow, -e
there’s something stuck in my stomach that knows: - d and a half
when we were just mammals, mingling mildly - f
in another life, you loved me wildly. - f

I think the language may be off in a few places like when you describe a pheromone as "prodigal," or when you say you close your nose.  I also think you may have managed to get a little of that poetic razzle dazzle type of thing with the ending as well. I think, in part, that is due to the rhyme scheme which makes the final "couplet" a useful tool. I suppose it's up to you to make sure that the ending is not cloying. Doesn't seem so bad to me, but I don't really look at these things all that often.

[ellajam]

Hi, I'm having a hard time responding because I really enjoy this one with all its meter inconsistency. I don't want to give you bad advice if you are getting away with murder and I'm not experienced enough to know all the acceptable variations, I'm at the stage where I pretty much try to stick to the rules. What meter were you aiming for? Also, love the rhyme of betrothed and unclothed.

Hey guys. I originally posted this in the practice thread for sonnets. I don't generally write sonnets but I think it's important to have a grasp on as many forms as possible. I'm kinda bumping this to mild, not as much for crit on the poems content (as it's not my best), but more so I might be able to get an idea as to how I did with the form- meter, line breaks etc. Any form related observations would be helpful.
Thanks. 


Mammals 

 
I heard your prodigal pheromone song
centuries before you whispered your name.
I was drunk on it, and danced to it long                                 
into night, long before dawn ever came—
cutting in, to connect us formally.
A peripheral glimpse dubbed you betrothed;
not consulting with eyes that normally
want; want to see potential brides unclothed
of mystery— want and need to know now.
But even if I close my eyes and nose
and ears to shut your essence out somehow,
there’s something stuck in my stomach that knows:
when we were just mammals, mingling mildly
in another life, you loved me wildly.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for reading guys. I wrote this during Napm when I was trying to experiment with some forms. It wasn't the one I posted that day but I like at least some of this. It gets a little closer to my comfort zone of more free verse when the line breaks and rhymes are less traditional. The poem itself is a little weak but I learned something writing it. Thanks for the input. Always appreciated.
Paul the Sonnetist.

[hopefularahant]

First 8 lines are really good!  It kind of drops off after that for me, though unfortuantely the title keeps making me think of that song by the bloodhound gang.....shudders.... I dont know much about sonnets, but one or two of the lines seems slightly too long and kind of break the rythm, and your rhymes near the end, especially nose, seem kind of funny... Other than that i really do like this poem and the idea behind it a ton..