Chip Shop

[heslopian]

On the chip shop's menu board,
beside the photos of fried fish,
a West Coast girl with a coke bottle stands,
her black hair falling down like soot
from the chimney of her scalp,
her small breasts pointed and flesh talcum white.
We in the queue pay her no mind, though she continues
to smile at the opposite wall. Our skin is pallid,
our clothes badly cut. Each buys his food and then leaves.

[Bianca Alabaster]

interesting piece. mean and playful at the same time. (I think) i'm still thinking.... I like it!

[heslopian]

Thank you very much Bianca

[Bianca Alabaster]

U r welcome, it's a cool poem. My fav verse is:

a West Coast girl with a coke bottle stands,
her black hair falling down like soot
from the chimney of her scalp.

love it! In your mind - was she gothic? hmmmm

[billy]

On the chip shop's menu board,
beside the photos of fried fish,
a West Coast girl with a coke bottle stands,
her black hair falling down like soot
from the chimney of her scalp.
Her small breasts are pert and her flesh talcum white.
We in the que pay her no mind, though she continues
to smile at the opposite wall. Our skin is pallid,
our clothes badly cut. Each buys his food and then leaves.

i really like the simplicity of this one.
the mundaneness of the queue (note queue,)
how things are noticed on the periphery of waiting to be served.

a good simile;

her black hair falling down like soot
from the chimney of her scalp.

the only nit is pert. why are small breasts always pert lmao. (cliche)

her small breasts poking
would the work instead of the first her? so as to not have two her's on a line;

the small breasts poking and her flesh talcum white.

not much to critique as far as content and style go.
it more or less spot on for me.

being from manchester, i would have loved to have seen a holland's meat and potato pie in there

[heslopian]

@Billy - Thanks for the feedback and kind words I like your revised line, though instead of "poking" I think I'll put "pointed." And thanks for clearing up the spelling of "queue"; I tried looking it up on Google but couldn't find an answer.
I don't think I've heard of Holland's meat, and have never had a potato pie...

---

@Bianca - haha Perhaps. I was simply describing how she looked on the sign, through my own weird simile.

[addy]

Really liked this. The simplicity of it... the images weren't vivid, so much as they were indelible. My only very very minor nitpick is the ending "each buys his food and then leaves"; I don't mind that it's anticlimactic or mundane, but it felt a little dropped (curt, maybe?). But don't get me wrong, it still works.

This proves you can write poetry even about the simplest things, if you're a good writer. (ps you're a good writer )

[billy]

lmao a hollands meat and potato pie is just one pie hehe.
and pointed works just as well

[heslopian]

@addy - Thanks for the feedback and kind words I have trouble ending poems, which is no doubt why that last line sounds curt. But as I don't think I'll do any better, I'll leave it be for now.
Thanks again for the encouraging words

@billy - haha Sorry I'm such a fucking dunce sometimes