Memories

[Wjames]

Edit # 1:

There was a small garden in the backyard
of my childhood home.
Father grew tomatoes and carrots in rows
between tulips and daisies.

While he loved them all,
he seemed to have a special fondness for the tulips,
which he believed bore a certain resemblance to mother.

I think I can remember her,
although that could just be the covalesence
of pictures and stories, or warm milk and dreams.

Father spread her ashes in the garden,
hoping her presence might help stiffen their spines,
as she had his.

I remember his soft smile, when he’d pass her picture in the hallway,
or share a story from before I was born.
Some smiles are sadder than tears –
although I can’t remember ever seeing him cry.


Original:

There was a small garden in the backyard
of my childhood home.
Father grew tomatoes and carrots in rows
between tulips and daisies.
 
Although he loved all equally,
he seemed to have a special fondness for the tulips,
which he believed bore a certain resemblance to mother.
 
Of course, mother had passed shortly after I was born.
 
I think I remember her,
although that could just be the entanglement
of pictures and stories, or warm milk and dreams.
 
Father spread her ashes in the garden,
hoping her presence might help stiffen their spines,
as she had his.
 
I remember his soft smile, when he’d pass her picture in the hallway,
or share an old story from before I was born.
Some smiles are sadder than tears –
although I can’t remember ever seeing him cry.

[sawgr]

There was a small garden in the backyard
of my childhoodfirst home.
Father grew tomatoes and carrots in rows
between tulips and daisies.
 
Although he loved all themequally,
he seemed to have a special fondness for the tulips,
which he believedthey bore a certain resemblance to mother.
 
Of course, mother had passed shortly after I was born.
 
I think I remember her,
although that could just be the entanglement
of pictures and stories, or warm milk and dreams.
 
Father spread her ashes in the garden,
hoping her presence might help stiffen their spines,
as she had his.
 
I remember his soft smile, when he’d pass her picture in the hallway,
or share an old story from before I was born.
Some smiles are sadder than tears –
although I can’t remember ever seeing him cry.

Just some of my thoughts that may help the flow and mystery of the poem. I got chills reading this poem, at the line "some smiles are sadder than tears" maybe consider finishing the poem with that line, or switching the last two!

Great writing. My favourite poem I read so far today.

[Merrikay]

"some smiles are sadder than tears" I love this line. I also like the previous commenter's slight changes. Using "although" twice, I feel you gather more interest by replacing one of them? However, this is my first critique. I really enjoyed this, and the sad nostalgia it invokes, great job.

[Magpie]

Hi,

For me this is one of the best poems of yours that I can remember reading. I've left a few thoughts below.

There was a small garden in the backyard
of my childhood home.
Father grew tomatoes and carrots in rows
between tulips and daisies. ---- The choice of plants here seem very specific, which makes me think there is a definite reason for your choice, but as yet I haven't managed to find that reason.
 
Although he loved all equally,
he seemed to have a special fondness for the tulips, ---- 'loved all equally' and 'special fondness for' seem to be at odds with each other here, dropping 'equally' would solve this.
which he believed bore a certain resemblance to mother.
 
Of course, mother had passed shortly after I was born. ---- Does this need to be stated, I feel that the rest of the poem implies that this is the case
 
I think I remember her,
although that could just be the entanglement ---- 'although' sticks out here because of its inclusion in the previous stanza, suggest to change one of them. Also I was surprised by the choice of word with 'entanglement' which I think is mostly used with a negative connotation to express a complication. Although it can also be used to express a confusion which works here. I'm not sure how to go with this one. 
of pictures and stories, or warm milk and dreams.
 
Father spread her ashes in the garden,
hoping her presence might help stiffen their spines, --- I'm presuming that 'their' here refers to the tulips, however the intervening stanza has made this statement feel slightly disconnected. Perhaps swap stanzas or be more specific in this stanza.
as she had his.
 
I remember his soft smile, when he’d pass her picture in the hallway,
or share an old story from before I was born. --- Is 'old' needed here?
Some smiles are sadder than tears –   --- As already noted this is indeed an excellent poignant line
although I can’t remember ever seeing him cry. --- I think this line would work better without 'although'

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Wjames]

Thanks for your reading and sharing your thoughts everyone. I've made an edit based on your critiques, and think it's a little "tighter" now.

I originally had covalesence in place of entanglement, but apparently it's not a "real" word so I decided to use entanglement, even though I did think covalesence was better. I've changed it back though, as I think most people would understand what it means.

Oh, and the specificity of the plants was for no particular reason, I just put them there as those plants actually were in a garden in my back yard (the only part of the poem that's "true").