First Year Teaching

[vtsai01]

There's always times for school, college, and work stress.
Just like with inhales and exhales, you decompress.
What is your coping mechanisms?
What keeps you live as an organism?
 
Today I bawled to the principal,
And it felt good.
 
It's tough being a teacher.
I end up becoming a preacher,
Of all the do's and don'ts,
All just to get the I-don't-wanna, and I won't.
 
So here I am dragging them by the wrists,
I don't give a damn if I take some hits.
First foundation to learning is safety,
There's no time for talks of maybes.
 
They say not to take it personally.
I'm not trying to, believe me.
But with such harsh circumstances,
You can't expect me to come in dancin'.
 
It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay.
I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette on an ash tray.
How can I bring in peace with current weak will?
Oh, I know, fix it with some goddamn pills!
 
But it's eating my brain,
Nom, nom, nom, these things that are to keep me sane.
I just become more apathetic,
I'm starting to feel more and more pathetic.
 
I want to ask, can't we simply be frenemies?
Can't you see that it's not for me or your family?
It's for you and your growth,
To expand your life with opportunities of great worth.
 
Enough with the fists or the threats.
Enough with the five minute glory and those shits.
Cool it with yourself,
It's not good for you or my health.
 
So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts,
Quack, quack, quack, I don't want to give two fucks.
But I'm close to the finish line,
Where summer break will be all mine.
 
But I can get so nearsighted and lost,
With all these losing battles that I've fought.
This energy is draining my soul,
I'm losing sight of my goal.
 
Today I bawled to my principal,
And it didn't feel quite good.
 
Don't tell me I hit rock bottom.
I promise I'll find my umph, I'll get em'.
I know I have to,
I'm not here to lose.
 
I'm not here to whine or quit,
To bow my head and say forget it.
I'm waiting for my triumph,
I'm here to end with an umph!

[Erthona]

Misspellings in the title do not speak well for this poem. I have no idea how you are using "nom", even in French it makes no sense. The overall lugubrious tone of the writing does not make the speaker a sympathetic character, neither does the repetition. Some of the rhymes are not and many are forced. To attempt to use rhyming couplets in such a piece (because of it's length) is not good decision making. Supposedly the speaker is a teacher and speaks lines like this:

"What keeps you live as an organism?"

"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette"  undone = unwrapped, not smoked

"So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts"  Improper use of refrain, and "tear duct" is spelled incorrectly.

"This energy is draining my soul," energy does not drain.

There are others, these are just the ones that popped out when I scanned it.

Do to all of the errors, this is simply not a believable poem if the speaker is supposed to be a teacher.

Sorry, I find nothing positive to say about this poem,

Please, in the future, at the very least spell check your poem and read it several times. Possibly, put it on the shelf for a week or two, then re-read to catch more problems. This is simply missing the rudimentary technical proficiency for any poem posted for workshopping on this site. 

Dale

[vtsai01]

I see what you're saying - live and organism are synonymous...

For undone cigarette, I originally had it as unfinished but I thought that it adds too many syllables into the line and throws off the rhythm? 

The words nom nom nom is almost like an onomatopoeia to eating, intentionally adding a childlike tone to the poem... Including the quack quack simply to play with the word, tear ducts for duck.

 Trying to add a silly or childish tone was done purposefully, including the misspellings, "dancin'" or including cliche curses "two fucks".  The childish tone was included to highlight the attitudes of the children Which may be rubbing off, and the stress from the job. Did I not embed it clearly into the poem? 

As for refraining tear ducts, would phrasing it as "So I'm standing and refraining my once active tear ducts" be more clear to allude to the idea of trying to stop oneself from continuing crying? 

Lastly...although energy does not technically drain, wouldn't it be a metaphor? I wanted "energy" to be 
Interpreted as stress because well, stress activates energy, or adrenaline. 


As for the title, I caught on to that once I posted it... Guess I was just too eager to post it up on the site but I assure you, the misspelling of the title may not give a good first impression to the poem but does not define the poem. 

I chose to reply in such a long post not to only explain myself or to get your approval of any positive parts of the poem, but to now get your feedback if what I tried to do in the poem was truly unsuccessful to you, as a reader. 

Misspellings in the title do not speak well for this poem. I have no idea how you are using "nom", even in French it makes no sense. The overall lugubrious tone of the writing does not make the speaker a sympathetic character, neither does the repetition. Some of the rhymes are not and many are forced. To attempt to use rhyming couplets in such a piece (because of it's length) is not good decision making. Supposedly the speaker is a teacher and speaks lines like this:

"What keeps you live as an organism?"

"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette"  undone = unwrapped, not smoked

"So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts"  Improper use of refrain, and "tear duct" is spelled incorrectly.

"This energy is draining my soul," energy does not drain.

There are others, these are just the ones that popped out when I scanned it.

Do to all of the errors, this is simply not a believable poem if the speaker is supposed to be a teacher.

Sorry, I find nothing positive to say about this poem,

Please, in the future, at the very least spell check your poem and read it several times. Possibly, put it on the shelf for a week or two, then re-read to catch more problems. This is simply missing the rudimentary technical proficiency for any poem posted for workshopping on this site. 

Dale

[Erthona]

Viv, Thanks for responding to my comments. Everybody likes to know that their effort to critique has at least been heard by the writer.
On to your replies.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I see what you're saying - live and organism are synonymous..."

Actually I was meaning "live" should be "alive"  "What keeps you alive as an organism?"  Just say the first part by itself:
"What keeps you live"
______________________________________________________
For undone cigarette, I originally had it as unfinished but I thought that it adds too many syllables into the line and throws off the rhythm?

"I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette on an ash tray."
In this simile you are comparing yourself to a cigarette, but to convey what? However you cannot have it both ways. You and the cigarette cannot both be burnt (as you said undone means partially burnt-unfinished). what attribute of this cigarette are you trying to say that you have, that is what is the emotional state you are comparing to a cigarette? If you extend the first line you might could make it make a little more sense such as:

"It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay,
I lie here like a burnt cigarette in (this broken) ashtray."
 
___________________________________________________________________
The words nom nom nom is almost like an onomatopoeia to eating, intentionally adding a childlike tone to the poem... Including the quack quack simply to play with the word, tear ducts for duck.

In terms of "nom" what meaning are you assigning to this word. It is an abbreviation for the word "nominative". Or in French it means face. It cannot be onomatopoetic as it does not derive it's meaning from a sound.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Trying to add a silly or childish tone was done purposefully, including the misspellings, "dancin'" or including cliche curses "two fucks". 

No that was not (childish tone) handled well and it came across as odd. I've done a fair amount of cussing in my life and I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say "two fucks". I would only use that in a sentence like, I wouldn't give two fucks for it, no matter how much you paid.  Probably in that line I would write, "I just don't wanna give a fuck about it."

The childish tone was included to highlight the attitudes of the children Which may be rubbing off, and the stress from the job. Did I not embed it clearly into the poem?


This was not setup, so there is little room to believe the reader would think of that. Maybe further critiques will clarify that.
________________________________________________________________________________________
As for refraining tear ducts, would phrasing it as "So I'm standing and refraining my once active tear ducts" be more clear to allude to the idea of trying to stop oneself from continuing crying?

No you can't "refrain" from tear ducts, only from saying something, or an action like crying. So:

"So I'm standing (here) and trying to refrain from crying. Although even used correctly refrain still seems awkward.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Lastly...although energy does not technically drain, wouldn't it be a metaphor? I wanted "energy" to be
Interpreted as stress because well, stress activates energy, or adrenaline.

Actually stress burns energy, just in a none productive way. So no you could not use it that way. The use of metaphor still have to follow certain rules and this would not be doing so. You could, I suppose say "negative energy". I never would as it sounds too new age for me, but it could work, without having to start all over. Your choice.
_______________________________________________________________________
As for the title, I caught on to that once I posted it... Guess I was just too eager to post it up on the site but I assure you, the misspelling of the title may not give a good first impression to the poem but does not define the poem.

I think the longer you write the more your mind might change on that. A title is like a pair of glasses and the entire poem will be seen through those lenses.

With the misspelling this is how it effected me. As "first" was misspelled and this was about a teacher, every succeeding error began to get magnified more and more. So in this way it prejudiced my view point.
___________________________________________________________________

I chose to reply in such a long post not to only explain myself or to get your approval of any positive parts of the poem, but to now get your feedback if what I tried to do in the poem was truly unsuccessful to you, as a reader.

Well, I guess you have my answer to that, but in your defense I will say I did not write my criticism as clearly as I should, which was obvious in your responses. Sometimes I get caught between the necessary brevity required by this forum and writing clearly.

Best of luck with this, look forward to the revision,

Dale

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

There's always times for school, college, and work stress.
Just like with inhales and exhales, you decompress.
What is your coping mechanisms?
What keeps you live as an organism?
 
Today I bawled to the principal,
And it felt good.
 
It's tough being a teacher.
I end up becoming a preacher,
Of all the do's and don'ts,
All just to get the I-don't-wanna, and I won't.
 
So here I am dragging them by the wrists,
I don't give a damn if I take some hits.
First foundation to learning is safety,
There's no time for talks of maybes.
 
They say not to take it personally.
I'm not trying to, believe me.
But with such harsh circumstances,
You can't expect me to come in dancin'.
 
It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay.
I'm burnt, like an undone cigarette on an ash tray.
How can I bring in peace with current weak will?
Oh, I know, fix it with some goddamn pills!
 
But it's eating my brain,
Nom, nom, nom, these things that are to keep me sane.
I just become more apathetic,
I'm starting to feel more and more pathetic.
 
I want to ask, can't we simply be frenemies?
Can't you see that it's not for me or your family?
It's for you and your growth,
To expand your life with opportunities of great worth.
 
Enough with the fists or the threats.
Enough with the five minute glory and those shits.
Cool it with yourself,
It's not good for you or my health.
 
So I'm standing and refraining my tearducts,
Quack, quack, quack, I don't want to give two fucks.
But I'm close to the finish line,
Where summer break will be all mine.
 
But I can get so nearsighted and lost,
With all these losing battles that I've fought.
This energy is draining my soul,
I'm losing sight of my goal.
 
Today I bawled to my principal,
And it didn't feel quite good.
 
Don't tell me I hit rock bottom.
I promise I'll find my umph, I'll get em'.
I know I have to,
I'm not here to lose.
 
I'm not here to whine or quit,
To bow my head and say forget it.
I'm waiting for my triumph,
I'm here to end with an umph!

This could be okay, but it is wayyyy too long. Most stanzas are essentially saying the same thing. Pare it down. Get to the minimum number of words to convey your point, check spelling, and don't use common phrases like nom nom nom. There has to be a better way to describe that.

After you clean it up and actually polish it, post it again and we can give real feedback

[vtsai01]

****Revision::*****



There's always times for school, college, and work stress. 
Just like with inhales and exhales, you decompress. 
What is your coping mechanisms?
What keeps you alive as an organism?
 
Today I bawled to the principal,
And it felt good. 
 
It's tough being a teacher. 
I end up becoming a preacher, 
Of all the do's and don'ts, 
All just to get the I-don't-wanna, and I won't. 
 
So here I am dragging them by the wrists, 
I don't give a damn if I take some hits. 
First foundation of learning is safety, 
There's no time for talks of maybes. 
 
They say not to take it personally. 
I'm not trying to, believe me. 
But with such harsh circumstances, 
You can't expect me to come in dancin'. 
 
It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay. 
I lie here like a burnt cigarette, unfinished, on an ash tray. 
How can I bring in peace with current weak will? 
Oh, I know, fix it with some goddamn pills! 
 
But it's eating my brain, 
These things that are to keep me sane. 
I just become more apathetic, 
I'm starting to feel more and more pathetic. 
 
I want to ask, can't we simply be frenemies? 
Can't you see that it's not for me or your family?
It's for you and your growth, 
To expand your life with opportunities of great worth. 
 
Enough with the fists or the threats. 
Enough with the five minute glory and those shits.
Cool it with yourself, 
It's not good for you or my health. 
 
So I'm standing and inhibiting my tearducts, 
What's the point of giving a fuck? 
But I'm close to the finish line, 
Where summer break will be all mine.
 
But I can get so nearsighted and lost, 
With all these losing battles that I've fought. 
This negative energy is draining my soul, 
I'm losing sight of my goal. 
 
Today I bawled to my principal,
And it didn't feel quite good. 
 
Don't tell me I hit rock bottom.
I promise I'll find my umph, I'll get em'. 
I know I have to,
I'm not here to lose. 
 
I'm not here to whine or quit, 
To bow my head and say forget it. 
I'm waiting for my triumph, 
I'm here to end with an umph!

[pdvarona]

My one main critique with this poem is the rhyming. Seems very forced at times, I'd suggest writing it over again with the same idea and concept in mind but just letting the verses flow naturally, rather than making it seem like you search through a rhyming dictionary to finish off your lines. The sentiment is there and the idea is understood, you just need to work on the mechanics of rhyming a bit and perhaps the length as well.

[Quixilated]

V,
I feel sorry for the teacher in this poem.  Those kids sound like a handful!  Anyway, on to the poetry!!!!

1.)  Try starting the poem with "Today I baweld .. etc."  The first stanza is a little confusing and seems relatively unrelated to the rest of the poem.  If you really like it and want to keep it in, experiment with placing it closer to the end.  It seems more like a conclusion statement than an opener.  

2.) I actually like complaining poems, especially when they are humorous and self aware.  The teacher is aware that he/she is being a bit ridiculous during this melt down, and acknowledges it with various childish antics like bawling to the principle.  In my experience poems of this nature tend to have a set rhythm pattern.  It would make the poem easier to read quickly and it would help to give it a lighthearted feel.

3.) This poem would read better if you take out the nom noms and quack quacks.  They mess with your rhythm, and the quacks will confuse most readers who are unlikely to make the duct/duck mental leap.

4.) There are a few idea redundancies where you basically say the same thing a few different ways.  When you are editing if you need to take someting out for meter or line symetry or just to condense and compact, take your redundancies and smash them into one stronger phrase.  I once had an english professor who said to make the sentences "lean." When you do this, though your words are fewer, the impact is actually greater.

Good luck with your editing!  I hope this was somewhat helpful.  

--Quix

---

Oh, I see you did take out the noms and quacks in the edit later. --Sorry I didn't see it there. I'll read that over and see if anything else I said is obsolete.

[John]

Hi, vtsai01,

To Sir With Love starring Sydney Poitier and Lulu comes to mind. One of my favourite films.

The first time I read it, it came across as a rap song. So too the second and subsequent times. Forced rhyme and broken and erratic line lengths make it neither formal nor totally free.

Why did you double up the first and sixth stanzas/strophes? It doesn't shorten the poem. One way to do that is to chop out unnecessary and redundant words (e.g. so, so here I am, but, becoming, and more, just, etc.) Tighten meaning.

With respect to your first, that would sound better as a summation at the end of the poem, with the accent on the word 'you' in the last line.

The seventh shows a teacher about to crack up. For me, that's too negative. He needs to be a role model in dealing with problems that pupils cause, not just showing how it affects him. Sidney Poitier didn't pop pills or cry to the Headmaster.

I've put some notes (not all) in the body, and hope they're of some use. But until it's altered so as not to come across as some sort of hybrid, I get nothing but rap.

Cheers.

****Revision::*****

There's always times for school, college, and work stress. Excess
Just like with inhales and exhales, you decompress.  Excess
What is your coping mechanisms? Grammar
What keeps you alive as an organism?

Today I bawled to the principal, Does this mean crying in front of, or shouting at? Not the right sort of ambiguity.
And it felt good.                      

It's tough being a teacher.
I end up becoming a preacher,
Of all the do's and don'ts,
All just to get the I-don't-wanna, and I won't.

So here I am dragging them by the wrists,
I don't give a damn if I take some hits.
First foundation of learning is safety,
There's no time for talks of maybes.

They say not to take it personally.
I'm not trying to, believe me.
But with such harsh circumstances,
You can't expect me to come in dancin'.

It's taking a toll on me, emptying my wallet with nothing to pay.
I lie here like a burnt cigarette, unfinished, on an ash tray. A metaphor would be stronger than a simile. I am a...
How can I bring in peace with current weak will?
Oh, I know, fix it with some goddamn pills!

But it's eating my brain,
These things that are to keep me sane.
I just become more apathetic,
I'm starting to feel more and more pathetic.

I want to ask, can't we simply be frenemies?
Can't you see that it's not for me or your family?
It's for you and your growth,
To expand your life with opportunities of great worth.

Enough with the fists or the threats.
Enough with the five minute glory and those shits.
Cool it with yourself,
It's not good for you or my health.

So I'm standing and inhibiting my tearducts, Grammar
What's the point of giving a fuck?
But I'm close to the finish line,
Where summer break will be all mine.

But I can get so nearsighted and lost, Grammar
With all these losing battles that I've fought.
This negative energy is draining my soul,
I'm losing sight of my goal.

Today I bawled to my principal,
And it didn't feel quite good.

Don't tell me I hit rock bottom.
I promise I'll find my umph, I'll get em'.
I know I have to,
I'm not here to lose.

I'm not here to whine or quit, Whining is exactly what's going on. Make this teacher a strong role model.
To bow my head and say forget it.
I'm waiting for my triumph,
I'm here to end with an umph!