Sweetness

[jasmine+clovers]

Hello, everyone! I originally intended the first 5 lines to be a simple little poem but then I added to it. The meter is not perfect but I'd love to know your thoughts. (Constructive, please. I'm trying to get better) Thanks for reading!


Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine.
In every crevice a saccharine bloom,
As I goaded you to consume

All of my sweetness

Your sun colored how my skin glowed,
With thoughts of you, milk and honey flowed.
But unattended, my insides turned to rot,
And old roots buried deep, began to knot.

All of my sweetness

Then one day you came to rip me apart,
To see if I really, really had a heart.
Now, even as my blood drips down to the Earth,
You will never know what loving me was truly worth.

All of my sweetness
Never grew to be the fruits of your Paradise.

-N.S.

[Todd]

Hi N.S.,

Let me give you some thoughts to consider on this piece.

Hello, everyone! I originally intended the first 5 lines to be a simple little poem but then I added to it. The meter is not perfect but I'd love to know your thoughts. (Constructive, please. I'm trying to get better) Thanks for reading!

So, your first observation is correct the meter needs work.  I don't mind the "All of my sweetness" refrain being left alone from your meter considerations though.

Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine.--Since this is mild let me handle the meter this way--instead of trying a line by line critique. Consider using this line as your pattern. Say it slowly out loud attempt to make the other lines conform to its length and sounds. That won't be the last step but it will start to bring the piece closer to where you need it.
In every crevice a saccharine bloom,--Saccharine bloom is wonderful phrasing. I love the image. I love the falseness of the bloom.
As I goaded you to consume--I like that your last lines lead into the refrain. It is possible that half lines will work on the fourth lines of each stanza but you'll have to play with that and see.

All of my sweetness

Your sun colored how my skin glowed,
With thoughts of you, milk and honey flowed.
But unattended, my insides turned to rot,
And old roots buried deep, began to knot.

All of my sweetness

Then one day you came to rip me apart,
To see if I really, really had a heart.
Now, even as my blood drips down to the Earth,
You will never know what loving me was truly worth.

All of my sweetness
Never grew to be the fruits of your Paradise.--If you want this idea expressed I think you need to blend it somewhere else. In the structure you've built I feel the poem needs to end with "All my sweetness"

-N.S.

I hope some of that helps. There are many threads in the practice forum that are meant to help you with meter. They've helped me. Please check them out. You have a lot of good things happening here that can be developed.

Best,

Todd

[Magpie]

Hi, I'm probably not the best person to comment on the meter aspect of your poem but I'll leave a few thoughts regarding the content of your poem.

Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine. --- Be careful of too much repetition with 'thoughts' here twice in the first two lines, especially so considering that you use it again in the next stanza 
In every crevice a saccharine bloom, --- I personally think that this line is excellent and is the essence of your poem
As I goaded you to consume

All of my sweetness --- at first when I realised that 'all of my sweetness' was a refrain I feared for its chances of making it through to the end without being sick of it, but it's actually not that bad.

Your sun colored how my skin glowed,
With thoughts of you, milk and honey flowed. --- Where there is milk there is usually honey to follow especially when they are flowing, careful of these cliches. I've been using Google search as a cliche checker of sorts, its not foolproof but if Google text prediction gets it fairly quick then chances are it is a cliche. I had "milk " typed in and Google suggested "milk and honey" whereas "saccharine bloom" didn't show up at all.
But unattended, my insides turned to rot,
And old roots buried deep, began to knot.

All of my sweetness

Then one day you came to rip me apart,
To see if I really, really had a heart. --- the repetition of 'really' really seems awkward and unnecessary here 
Now, even as my blood drips down to the Earth,
You will never know what loving me was truly worth.

All of my sweetness
Never grew to be the fruits of your Paradise. --- "fruits of paradise" another possible cliche alert to look out for, also I agree with Todd that the poem really needs to end with your refrain for it to have its full impact.

-N.S.

You've got some good thoughts and possibilities going on in here especially with that 'saccharine' line which you should use as inspiration for the rest of the poem. The other thing I would mention is to consider your title carefully, it may seem somewhat logical to call this poem "Sweetness" when considering the refrain. But if you look at it in a way that says the refrain has the "sweetness" aspect covered then you have a free space for a new title that can be an imaginative way of drawing readers toward your poem.

I hope to see you develop this more,
thanks for the read,

Mark

[jasmine+clovers]

Hi, I'm probably not the best person to comment on the meter aspect of your poem but I'll leave a few thoughts regarding the content of your poem.

Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine. --- Be careful of too much repetition with 'thoughts' here twice in the first two lines, especially so considering that you use it again in the next stanza 
In every crevice a saccharine bloom, --- I personally think that this line is excellent and is the essence of your poem
As I goaded you to consume

All of my sweetness --- at first when I realised that 'all of my sweetness' was a refrain I feared for its chances of making it through to the end without being sick of it, but it's actually not that bad.

Your sun colored how my skin glowed,
With thoughts of you, milk and honey flowed. --- Where there is milk there is usually honey to follow especially when they are flowing, careful of these cliches. I've been using Google search as a cliche checker of sorts, its not foolproof but if Google text prediction gets it fairly quick then chances are it is a cliche. I had "milk " typed in and Google suggested "milk and honey" whereas "saccharine bloom" didn't show up at all.
But unattended, my insides turned to rot,
And old roots buried deep, began to knot.

All of my sweetness

Then one day you came to rip me apart,
To see if I really, really had a heart. --- the repetition of 'really' really seems awkward and unnecessary here 
Now, even as my blood drips down to the Earth,
You will never know what loving me was truly worth.

All of my sweetness
Never grew to be the fruits of your Paradise. --- "fruits of paradise" another possible cliche alert to look out for, also I agree with Todd that the poem really needs to end with your refrain for it to have its full impact.

-N.S.

You've got some good thoughts and possibilities going on in here especially with that 'saccharine' line which you should use as inspiration for the rest of the poem. The other thing I would mention is to consider your title carefully, it may seem somewhat logical to call this poem "Sweetness" when considering the refrain. But if you look at it in a way that says the refrain has the "sweetness" aspect covered then you have a free space for a new title that can be an imaginative way of drawing readers toward your poem.

I hope to see you develop this more,
thanks for the read,

Mark

Hello, Mark. Thank you for your thoughts. I sort of wanted the refrain to give an icky feeling when reading it. I wanted this to be about fake, empty love. Glad it wasn't too unbearable to get through lol. I am still thinking about changing the refrain, however. I was afraid the poem would come across as a cliche in its entirety. I see I need to work on this a bit more.

The mentions of milk and honey and Paradise were meant to give slight religious undertones. I will have to find a better way to express that.

Also, since I'm a newbie here...Do people usually post their rewrites/second drafts in the same thread or create a new one?

Thanks for reading.

---

Hi N.S.,

Let me give you some thoughts to consider on this piece.

Hello, everyone! I originally intended the first 5 lines to be a simple little poem but then I added to it. The meter is not perfect but I'd love to know your thoughts. (Constructive, please. I'm trying to get better) Thanks for reading!

So, your first observation is correct the meter needs work.  I don't mind the "All of my sweetness" refrain being left alone from your meter considerations though.

Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine.--Since this is mild let me handle the meter this way--instead of trying a line by line critique. Consider using this line as your pattern. Say it slowly out loud attempt to make the other lines conform to its length and sounds. That won't be the last step but it will start to bring the piece closer to where you need it.
In every crevice a saccharine bloom,--Saccharine bloom is wonderful phrasing. I love the image. I love the falseness of the bloom.
As I goaded you to consume--I like that your last lines lead into the refrain. It is possible that half lines will work on the fourth lines of each stanza but you'll have to play with that and see.

All of my sweetness

Your sun colored how my skin glowed,
With thoughts of you, milk and honey flowed.
But unattended, my insides turned to rot,
And old roots buried deep, began to knot.

All of my sweetness

Then one day you came to rip me apart,
To see if I really, really had a heart.
Now, even as my blood drips down to the Earth,
You will never know what loving me was truly worth.

All of my sweetness
Never grew to be the fruits of your Paradise.--If you want this idea expressed I think you need to blend it somewhere else. In the structure you've built I feel the poem needs to end with "All my sweetness"

-N.S.

I hope some of that helps. There are many threads in the practice forum that are meant to help you with meter. They've helped me. Please check them out. You have a lot of good things happening here that can be developed.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Todd. I will check out the forums to help with the meter and style. I wish I had learned more about that sort of thing in school lol. Take care.

[Todd]

I wish I'd learned anything good about poetry in school too.

To your question on rewrites: Yes we use the full edit button indicate next to the title that this is a rewrite and place them above the original. If there's a second or third rewrite we follow the same procedure.

[Erthona]

As this is in mild I will just look at the first 4 lines.

Thoughts can be seeds planted in the mind,  (Do not equivocate it adds nothing, "Thoughts are seeds...")
And thoughts of you grew in a twisting vine. (No comma before "and". There is the process of "becoming" so "grew into" thoughts did not "grown in" a twisting vine, unless the vine was already there and the thoughts were growing inside of them.)
In every crevice a saccharine bloom, (As you are using a full stop after "vine" there is somewhat of a disconnect here. One can infer the blooms are from the vine, but the way it is written, makes it seem that the blooms are growing from the crevices. One eventually figures out this is not what is meant and maybe the reader won't even be aware of this minor ambiguity, at least no consciously. However, conscious or not, it creates a pause in the reading and to some degree will disrupt it. This may seem nit-picky, but it is just these sort of little things that separates out a so-so poem from a good poem. If you ask most people why they think on is better than the other. If you ask them why, they will respond by saying that they don't know. Why that is, is they pick up on the errors unconsciously, but have neither the awareness or knowledge to define the cause.)  
As I goaded you to consume

____________________________________________________________________

The phrase "saccharine bloom" is a wonderfully poetic image.

His thought (by his words) had gotten into her head and created a new (bloom) fake sweetness, possibly a delusion of unjustified love. To rephrase, he conned the speaker into believing he loved her when he didn't and this is something she possibly unknowingly encouraged, because she was so desperate for his love?

Although this is a wonderful image and I am not suggesting removing it, it is not one that is easily accessible. It took me at least a minute to figure out what it meant. Were it not so beautiful and so accurate it would not be worth the disruption.

Some word usage suggestion on the first 4 lines to give more concreteness and to not have to repeat "thoughts" twice, possible add some clarity and some verb tense problems.

"Thoughts are seeds planted in the mind,
and your words grew into a twisting vine.
In each crevice a saccharine bloom,
as I goaded you to consume"

One last thing:

As a service to your reader(s), please do not cap the start of every line. That was originally a necessity related to typesetting. Capping the lines in print went out in the 1950's, primarily because it was no longer a need in typesetting, and it was less confusing to the reader. Most people coming up through the school system tend to read poetry either in text books or in anthologies. The compilers of these texts prefer not to use copyrighted material, which leaves more of the older material that is typeset in the old way, giving the impression that is how it should be done and unfortunate misapprehension.    
 

Best,

Dale