We Are Not Things framed by a doorway

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
Swallow someone else's hate
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims
Emperors disguised as friends

I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red

We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert white
Sacrificing splendid queen
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile
Shut up as you all kill me

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends
Casting you out of her world

[Wjames]

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
Swallow someone else's hate you could add [or] at the start of this line.
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims Who is "your" referring to?
Emperors disguised as friends

I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red "as I stand atop scaffolds in scarlet red" is (in my eyes) the more natural way of saying this. The alliteration is still there as well, but without shouting "look at me!!!!". I'm still wondering who "you" is.

We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert white Who is "she?"
Sacrificing splendid queen I'm assuming "she" is "splendid queen". Who is that?
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile You are not "a thing".
Shut up as you all kill me This stanza is extremely difficult to understand without punctuation to clarify. I have no idea what is going on. What is the significance of the (seemingly) random capitalization?

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram you might be "a wall", but you definitely aren't "wall".
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends You're "just a girl". "I am just girl" is caveman talk.
Casting you out of her world Finally, in the final line of the poem, "you" emerges from the shadows as some sort of ex-lover. Why not share that earlier?

Just my thoughts as I read your poem. Sorry if it seems harsh.

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
Swallow someone else's hate you could add [or] at the start of this line.
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims Who is "your" referring to?
Emperors disguised as friends

I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red "as I stand atop scaffolds in scarlet red" is (in my eyes) the more natural way of saying this. The alliteration is still there as well, but without shouting "look at me!!!!". I'm still wondering who "you" is.

We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert white Who is "she?"
Sacrificing splendid queen I'm assuming "she" is "splendid queen". Who is that?
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile You are not "a thing".
Shut up as you all kill me This stanza is extremely difficult to understand without punctuation to clarify. I have no idea what is going on. What is the significance of the (seemingly) random capitalization?

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram you might be "a wall", but you definitely aren't "wall".
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends You're "just a girl". "I am just girl" is caveman talk.
Casting you out of her world Finally, in the final line of the poem, "you" emerges from the shadows as some sort of ex-lover. Why not share that earlier?

Just my thoughts as I read your poem. Sorry if it seems harsh.

Hey, it's okay. The "you" are the friends I mentioned in the 4th line, "Emperors disguised as friends."

I purposefully wrote "I was not bred for you to judge as I atop/Scaffolds stand in scarlet red" to keep the 4-8-7 meter.

"We Are Not Things" is a line from Mad Max, and "she" is the woman who first started declaring that in the movie.

I purposefully left out the articles to both keep the meter and to parallel "We Are Not Things" by saying "I am not ____" without the "a", despite it being grammatically incorrect. The line reads "I am not thing, but thanks to I learned to smile [and] shut up..."

Thanks for your critique though! Do you have any ideas on how I could work in articles while keeping the 4-8-7 pattern?

[QDeathstar]

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
or?? Swallow someone else's hate.
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims. your is too assuming
Emperors disguised as friends emporers can be friends....


I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop do you talk this way? even for poetry's sake it needs to make logical sense. The awkward word arrangement leaves me focusing on that, and not the poem...or its subject
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red


We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert whitewhy did you switch to third person
Sacrificing splendid queenwell, now I have no idea what you're on about
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile
Shut up as you all kill meis the speaker schizophrenic?


I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wallhey,welcome back ...
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends
Casting you out of her world

I think that the imagery created is false, walls don't usually crumble, unless they are old. plates don't get thrown against walls.... Emporers don't really exist today so the relevancy of that imagry is questionable... ...
I think you need to focus on truth.

[Wjames]

Hey, it's okay.  The "you" are the friends I mentioned in the 4th line, "Emperors disguised as friends."

I purposefully wrote "I was not bred for you to judge as I atop/Scaffolds stand in scarlet red" to keep the 4-8-7 meter.

"We Are Not Things" is a line from Mad Max, and "she" is the woman who first started declaring that in the movie.

I purposefully left out the articles to both keep the meter and to parallel "We Are Not Things" by saying "I am not ____" without the "a", despite it being grammatically incorrect.  The line reads "I am not thing, but thanks to I learned to smile [and] shut up..."

Thanks for your critique though!  Do you have any ideas on how I could work in articles while keeping the 4-8-7 pattern?

I don't know what you mean by the 4-8-7 pattern. Could you explain?

[QDeathstar]

why do you want to keep the 4-8-7 meter?

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

Hey, it's okay.  The "you" are the friends I mentioned in the 4th line, "Emperors disguised as friends."

I purposefully wrote "I was not bred for you to judge as I atop/Scaffolds stand in scarlet red" to keep the 4-8-7 meter.

"We Are Not Things" is a line from Mad Max, and "she" is the woman who first started declaring that in the movie.

I purposefully left out the articles to both keep the meter and to parallel "We Are Not Things" by saying "I am not ____" without the "a", despite it being grammatically incorrect.  The line reads "I am not thing, but thanks to I learned to smile [and] shut up..."

Thanks for your critique though!  Do you have any ideas on how I could work in articles while keeping the 4-8-7 pattern?

I don't know what you mean by the 4-8-7 pattern. Could you explain?

There's a 4-8-7 syllable pattern in every two lines, for example"
"I was not made (4) to eat somebody else's words (8)
Swallow someone else's hate (7)."

---

why do you want to keep the  4-8-7 meter?

I like the rhythm

---

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
or?? Swallow someone else's hate.
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims. your is too assuming
Emperors disguised as friends emporers can be friends....


I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop do you talk this way? even for poetry's sake it needs to make logical sense. The awkward word arrangement leaves me focusing on that, and not the poem...or its subject
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red


We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert whitewhy did you switch to third person
Sacrificing splendid queenwell, now I have no idea what you're on about
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile
Shut up as you all kill meis the speaker schizophrenic?


I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wallhey,welcome back ...
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends
Casting you out of her world

I think that the imagery created is false, walls don't usually crumble, unless they are old. plates don't get thrown against walls.... Emporers don't really exist today so the relevancy of that imagry is questionable... ...
I think you need to focus on truth.

Why would I have to focus on "truth"? And in any case, walls can crumble, plates do get thrown against walls in fits of rage. Or the floor. It does happen. And emperors don't really exist today but that does not mean that I cannot use the reference in poetry. There's not expiration date on references that can or cannot be used, otherwise poems would never be allowed to refer back to days gone by.

[QDeathstar]

ok... but your poem isn't referring to times gone by...

my point is, there isn't better imagery you could have used?

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

ok... but your poem isn't referring to times gone by...

my point is, there isn't better imagery you could have used?

Would you like to provide an example?

[Animal Riots Activist]

Hallo. Fresh eyes here.

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
Swallow someone else's hate -I find myself wanting parallel structure here, I would say choose either 'someone' or 'somebody' and use it in both instances. also I'm not a fan of else, it seems superfluous.
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims
Emperors disguised as friends -I agree w/ previous assessments on this line; it's just not as strong as it should be, and the content leaves me a bit confused.

I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red -cliche: woman in red. Also redundant: scarlet = red.

We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert white -'desert white' is a really nice color image here though.
Sacrificing splendid queen -not sure what this line is trying to say.
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile
Shut up as you all kill me -this stanza seems overwrought and overly dramatic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The imagery definitely caters to it.

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram-I am not wall is just clunky, also reminds me of 'I am groot'. I would vastly prefer 'I'm not a wall' to keep the syllable pattern intact
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends
Casting you out of her world

There's definitely some workable stuff here, but I think this is a case of form over function somewhat. The form is pleasing, the meter is good, but the content is not on the same level, which skews the whole piece. In your edits, I wouldn't say you should abandon the form, just focus on improvements to the content of the poem. There's quite a few good lines here, but there's also quite a few weak ones.

[milo]

The problem in this case is the anachronism. There is no consistency. While anachronism can be used as a valid poetic device, I do not think it is here.

[Todd]

One thing that might work with this poem is if you interlink all of the imagery together (just an idea slight illustration below paying no attention to your syllable count):

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
nor am I the wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram

I think there's a lot of cuts throughout that you could do--even in the lines I reference, but I wonder it the poem would hold together better as a chain of interlocking images instead of with syllable count.

Just an idea,

Todd

[QDeathstar]

ok... but your poem isn't referring to times gone by...
my point is, there isn't better imagery you could have used?

Would you like to provide an example?

it's not my poem, but...

I am not your condom, disgarded in the toilet bowl,
drowning and left to swim alone.

I am not your garage sale, piled high in busted boxes,
my peices tossed on the front lawn.

---

also, there is certain irony about naming the poem "We are not things framed (by a doorway)" then building a cage around your poem forcing it into a 4x8x7 frame that crops the picture off at the heads.

[billy]

while i get an abisive relationship i do think it could be better connected by cutting unneeded words. i pointed out a couple but thee are more. some word use could be better...[i am no plate to throw...]
in places it feels forced to fit the meter. for me it could be stated with a fair bit more brevity.

I was not made to eat somebody else's words
Swallow someone else's hate
I was not meant to live under your Roman whims
[of] Emperors disguised as friends

I was not born for begging you to let me in
Freezing, dying at your door
I was not bred for you to judge as I atop
Scaffolds stand in scarlet red

We Are Not Things, she said on walls in desert white
Sacrificing splendid queen
I Am Not Thing, but thanks to you I learned to smile ?
Shut up as you all kill me

I am not plates, to throw against a concrete wall
?Shatter me to soothe your rage
I am not wall, to beat and batter, smash and ram
Cannot crumble, doesn't fall

I am just girl, who loves and breaks and fights and mends
Casting you out of her world