That terrible day.

[poppoetry]

A recent poem I wrote, I hope it makes sense as to what's going on in this poem as perhaps that's what this poem is really about, taking the reader to the concluding stanza with a curiosity that's never really satisfied or have I completely missed that, thanks for any critique,


That terrible day.

Putting his glass back on the shelf,
Shaking Hand, tears run down.
She's done it a thousand times before.
Today is so different, it's just a glass.

Cars outside still passing by,
Drivers unaware of the pain inside.
Frozen with fear of seeing any more,
Items of his, everywhere she goes.

Their house is the same as all the years.
Time they spent building a life & dreams.
Good times and bad, many happy and full.
He was an honest man, a good man all told.

Today the same house holds pain.
yesterday like before, all was well.
The usual struggle to pay the bills,
It was an unusual time for the doorbell to ring.

Standing there, her best friend Lil.
Police car outside, time stood still.
They both know this is a terrible day,
It can't be true, please don't say.

[ellajam]

Hi, Pop, for me, the poem starts with a clear, effective image, but nothing after the first eight lines seems to add anything. Some notes are below.

A recent poem I wrote, I hope it makes sense as to what's going on in this poem as perhaps that's what this poem is really about, taking the reader to the concluding stanza with a curiosity that's never really satisfied or have I completely missed that, thanks for any critique,  


That terrible day.

Putting his glass back on the shelf,
Shaking Hand, tears run down.
She's done it a thousand times before.
Today is so different, it's just a glass.
At first I thought he was putting his own glass back. Using "She puts" would clear this up, with run changed to running.
I'd prefer a lower case "shaking".
Today, it's not just a glass, it is still his, he just can't use it, I think this can be improved.


Cars outside still passing by,
Drivers unaware of the pain inside.
Frozen with fear of seeing any more,
Items of his, everywhere she goes.
I prefer "pass"to "passing".
You could lose the comma after more and have a nice enjambment.
For me the capitalization of each line, here drivers and items, confused the read.

Their house is the same as all the years.
Time they spent building a life & dreams.
Good times and bad, many happy and full.
He was an honest man, a good man all told.

Today the same house holds pain.
yesterday like before, all was well.
The usual struggle to pay the bills,
It was an unusual time for the doorbell to ring.

Standing there, her best friend Lil.
Police car outside, time stood still.
They both know this is a terrible day,
It can't be true, please don't say.

Someone else may see more in the rest than I could, I hope the notes help.

[poppoetry]

Thanks for that, I like your changes to the first stanza and will incorporate these, I'll also move that comma as suggested, the poem is far from the finished article but the last 3 stanzas develop the tale
to deliver the bad news so I'll work a bit more on those and I'm grateful for the input, again I'm delighted with the critique and it's great to have your work pulled apart like this.

Thanks

poppoetry

[Erthona]

Pop,

This is fairly well covered territory, so it is going to be difficult to bring originality to it, although I do see a hint of it here.

This has basically four beats per line and at times approaches iambic tetrameter. There is rhyme, but it does not seem used to best purpose. Both of those halfway qualities tend to degrade the poem, rather than energize it as they should. The last two lines in particular it appears the rhyme is forced, as shown by the syntactical trickery. I agree with ellajam, only I would limit it to the first six lines, after that for me, it gets muddy. I think this because this should be an emotional poem, yet it comes across as emotional flat. Even shock has obvious characteristics. I think it will probably need that undertone to be effective, or as effective as one would want it to be.

I think you could possibly do something more with the title. Plus it seems as though you are rushing to get to the finish line where you get to say "terrible day." Each line needs to be important and crafted just as well as any other. Don't be so quick to take the easy way out.

Best,

Dale

[poppoetry]

[quote='Erthona' pid='192020' dateline='1433790369']
Pop,

This is fairly well covered territory, so it is going to be difficult to bring originality to it, although I do see a hint of it here.

This has basically four beats per line and at times approaches iambic tetrameter. There is rhyme, but it does not seem used to best purpose. Both of those halfway qualities tend to degrade the poem, rather than energize it as they should. The last two lines in particular it appears the rhyme is forced, as shown by the syntactical trickery. I agree with ellajam, only I would limit it to the first six lines, after that for me, it gets muddy. I think this because this should be an emotional poem, yet it comes across as emotional flat. Even shock has obvious characteristics. I think it will probably need that undertone to be effective, or as effective as one would want it to be.

I think you could possibly do something more with the title. Plus it seems as though you are rushing to get to the finish line where you get to say "terrible day." Each line needs to be important and crafted just as well as any other. Don't be so quick to take the easy way out.

Best,

Dale


Thanks for that, on the originality front can I say it's 100% original to me and is my original work so I'm satisfied on that score.

I'm delighted you think it could possibly stand on its own with the first 6-8 lines or maybe that's as good as it gets and I see that as progress for my writing, I accept what you say about rushing to the end and I did
Focus more on the finish than the journey itself so that's a very valid critique, I'm very inexperienced in terms of rhythm but from now on will treat each line with more care and consideration, I'm learning and learning here and thanks for the time spent on my work,

poppoetry

[tectak]

A recent poem I wrote, I hope it makes sense as to what's going on in this poem as perhaps that's what this poem is really about, taking the reader to the concluding stanza with a curiosity that's never really satisfied or have I completely missed that, thanks for any critique,  


That terrible day.

Putting his glass back on the shelf,
Shaking Hand, tears run down.cc
She's done it a thousand times before. c
Today is so different, it's just a glass.

Cars outside still passing by,
Drivers unaware of the pain inside.
Frozen with fear of seeing any more,cccc
Items of his, everywhere she goes.

Their house is the same as all the years.
Time they spent building a life & dreams.ccc
Good times and bad, many happy and full.ccc
He was an honest man, a good man all told.

Today the same house holds pain.
yesterday like before, all was well.
The usual struggle to pay the bills,
It was an unusual time for the doorbell to ring.

Standing there, her best friend Lil.
Police car outside, time stood still.
They both know this is a terrible day,
It can't be true, please don't say.

Hello,
You need to look at what you have written in the round. Although you have posted in Novice, admit to inexperience, ask for crit, accept crit and hopefully will edit your work...this is but one poem. That is concering me because the issues raised by those reading THIS piece, you may feel are subjectively ONLY about this piece. I feel that there are some issues which you should  be aware of in a far more general sense and I would wager you will repeat in your  next "poem" unless you take action now..I say this because I have been there.
OK First off you must ask yourself WHY you  capitalise every line. No, I will ask a different question. Why do YOU capitalise every line? I ask because you missed one...so it is an affectation, not a function of your software.
Next up...read out loud what you have written and think of your reader. Does it all make sense? Sometimes new writers ASSUME theat readers can follow their thinking. They can,  but more often than not choose to be  shown rather than told what you think you mean.
Stanza 1 has a "his" and then a "she". There are two too many indefinite articles. Are you happy with the clarity?
Avoid the ampersand. It is stylishly ineffective. We are not in a hurry.
Try to make cameo thoughts complete per stanza. Someone else has made much of your rush to the finish. To avoid this effect it would  be better to clarify your process rather than your plan. In other words, look more at the story as and unfolding and progressively linked tale...don't worry about "getting there"; concentrate on the journey, not the destination.
Finally...make up your mind. Rhyme consistently or not at all; make meter manifest or leave it completely alone; try at least to  create a "core" metaphor and hold on to it; watch your syllable count and emphases if all else fails...or why is it poetry?
That is more than enough for Novice...oh, and avoid cliches. This is full of them. See the "c" rating in the text.
Best ,
tectak

[billy]

try to use fewer intangibles what pain? a broken leg, a ruptured lung, show us the pain.
at present the poem feel very weak. it's a story that needs some original images. how is she standing

Their house is the same as all the years.

Time they spent building a life & dreams. so [their house hadn't changed in years]
Good times and bad, many happy and full. this adds little
He was an honest man, a good man all told. and this feels out of place/sinc

A recent poem I wrote, I hope it makes sense as to what's going on in this poem as perhaps that's what this poem is really about, taking the reader to the concluding stanza with a curiosity that's never really satisfied or have I completely missed that, thanks for any critique,  


That terrible day.

Putting his glass back on the shelf,
Shaking Hand, tears run down.
She's done it a thousand times before.
Today is so different, it's just a glass.

Cars outside still passing by, [are they driving very slow?] cars passing by
Drivers unaware of the pain inside. no real need for [driver's] or [inside]
Frozen with fear of seeing any more, this cliche weakens the line/stanza
Items of his, everywhere she goes.

Their house is the same as all the years.
Time they spent building a life & dreams.
Good times and bad, many happy and full.
He was an honest man, a good man all told.

Today the same house holds pain.
yesterday like before, all was well.
The usual struggle to pay the bills,
It was an unusual time for the doorbell to ring.

Standing there, her best friend Lil.
Police car outside, time stood still.
They both know this is a terrible day,
It can't be true, please don't say.

[poppoetry]

A recent poem I wrote, I hope it makes sense as to what's going on in this poem as perhaps that's what this poem is really about, taking the reader to the concluding stanza with a curiosity that's never really satisfied or have I completely missed that, thanks for any critique,  


That terrible day.

Putting his glass back on the shelf,
Shaking Hand, tears run down.cc
She's done it a thousand times before. c
Today is so different, it's just a glass.

Cars outside still passing by,
Drivers unaware of the pain inside.
Frozen with fear of seeing any more,cccc
Items of his, everywhere she goes.

Their house is the same as all the years.
Time they spent building a life & dreams.ccc
Good times and bad, many happy and full.ccc
He was an honest man, a good man all told.

Today the same house holds pain.
yesterday like before, all was well.
The usual struggle to pay the bills,
It was an unusual time for the doorbell to ring.

Standing there, her best friend Lil.
Police car outside, time stood still.
They both know this is a terrible day,
It can't be true, please don't say.

Hello,
You need to look at what you have written in the round. Although you have posted in Novice, admit to inexperience, ask for crit, accept crit and hopefully will edit your work...this is but one poem. That is concering me because the issues raised by those reading THIS piece, you may feel are subjectively ONLY about this piece. I feel that there are some issues which you should  be aware of in a far more general sense and I would wager you will repeat in your  next "poem" unless you take action now..I say this because I have been there.
OK First off you must ask yourself WHY you  capitalise every line. No, I will ask a different question. Why do YOU capitalise every line? I ask because you missed one...so it is an affectation, not a function of your software.
Next up...read out loud what you have written and think of your reader. Does it all make sense? Sometimes new writers ASSUME theat readers can follow their thinking. They can,  but more often than not choose to be  shown rather than told what you think you mean.
Stanza 1 has a "his" and then a "she". There are two too many indefinite articles. Are you happy with the clarity?
Avoid the ampersand. It is stylishly ineffective. We are not in a hurry.
Try to make cameo thoughts complete per stanza. Someone else has made much of your rush to the finish. To avoid this effect it would  be better to clarify your process rather than your plan. In other words, look more at the story as and unfolding and progressively linked tale...don't worry about "getting there"; concentrate on the journey, not the destination.
Finally...make up your mind. Rhyme consistently or not at all; make meter manifest or leave it completely alone; try at least to  create a "core" metaphor and hold on to it; watch your syllable count and emphases if all else fails...or why is it poetry?
That is more than enough for Novice...oh, and avoid cliches. This is full of them. See the "c" rating in the text.
Best ,
tectak

excellent critique and thank you very much, can I start by saying this is the initial draft of this poem, I have a tendancy to just go from an initial for a poem to immediately writing it down to leaving it there, for me that's the process of writing and I now need to learn how to edit and look again at a poem and take out the clichés and poor rhythm and refine and improve my poems, very few of my poems I post have been changed from the original and the poem you see is as I wrote it initially, I'm only writing poetry since January 2015 and this clearly shows even though I've written some 60 poems and I love the whole process.

I'll return to this poem, take in the points raised and make changes, will re-post very soon and thanks.

poppoetry

[tectak]

A recent poem I wrote, I hope it makes sense as to what's going on in this poem as perhaps that's what this poem is really about, taking the reader to the concluding stanza with a curiosity that's never really satisfied or have I completely missed that, thanks for any critique,  


That terrible day.

Putting his glass back on the shelf,
Shaking Hand, tears run down.cc
She's done it a thousand times before. c
Today is so different, it's just a glass.

Cars outside still passing by,
Drivers unaware of the pain inside.
Frozen with fear of seeing any more,cccc
Items of his, everywhere she goes.

Their house is the same as all the years.
Time they spent building a life & dreams.ccc
Good times and bad, many happy and full.ccc
He was an honest man, a good man all told.

Today the same house holds pain.
yesterday like before, all was well.
The usual struggle to pay the bills,
It was an unusual time for the doorbell to ring.

Standing there, her best friend Lil.
Police car outside, time stood still.
They both know this is a terrible day,
It can't be true, please don't say.

Hello,
You need to look at what you have written in the round. Although you have posted in Novice, admit to inexperience, ask for crit, accept crit and hopefully will edit your work...this is but one poem. That is concerning me because the issues raised by those reading THIS piece, you may feel, are subjectively ONLY about this piece. I feel that there are some issues which you should  be aware of in a far more general sense and I would wager you will repeat in your  next "poem" unless you take action now..I say this because I have been there.
OK. First off you must ask yourself WHY you  capitalise every line. No, I will ask a different question. Why do YOU capitalise every line? I ask because you missed one...so it is an affectation, not a function of your software.
Next up...read out loud what you have written and think of your reader. Does it all make sense? Sometimes new writers ASSUME that readers can follow their thinking. Sure, they interpretively can,  but more often than not choose to be  "shown" rather than "told" what you think you mean.
Stanza 1 has a "his" and then a "she". There are two too many indefinite articles. Are you happy with the clarity?
Avoid the ampersand. It is stylishly ineffective. We are not in a hurry.
Try to make cameo thoughts complete per stanza. Someone else has made much of your rush to the finish. To avoid this effect it would  be better to clarify your process rather than your plan. In other words, look more at the story as and unfolding and progressively linked tale...don't worry about "getting there"; concentrate on the journey, not the destination.
Finally...make up your mind. Rhyme consistently or not at all; make meter manifest or leave it completely alone; try at least to  create a "core" metaphor and hold on to it; watch your syllable count and emphases if all else fails...or why is it poetry?
That is more than enough for Novice...oh, and avoid cliches. This is full of them. See the "c" rating in the text.
Best ,
tectak

excellent critique and thank you very much, can I start by saying this is the initial draft of this poem, I have a tendancy to just go from an initial for a poem to immediately writing it down to leaving it there, for me that's the process of writing and I now need to learn how to edit and look again at a poem and take out the clichés and poor rhythm and refine and improve my poems, very few of my poems I post have been changed from the original and the poem you see is as I wrote it initially, I'm only writing poetry since January 2015 and this clearly shows even though I've written some 60 poems and I love the whole process.

I'll return to this poem, take in the points raised and make changes, will re-post very soon and thanks.

poppoetry

Good egg,
tectak