DEPRESSION VIEW.

[Barbito]

At the window
Five stories depression view
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts
And life flavored by smiles
In owl’s cry

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner.
Another day women matched,
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along.
It’s a small view
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

[tectak]

At the window
Five stories depression view
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts
And life flavored by smiles
In owl’s cry

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner.
Another day women matched,
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along.
It’s a small view
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

Putting it mildly, it is STILL not making sense.PM me.
tectak

[Observer]

I loved that last line: "A reflection of a psychiatric room." It pulls the whole poem together, and really hammers home the message. One of the things I'm not so fond on is the repetition in the lines:
"Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath."
I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by repeating the word 'beneath' in these two lines. In my opinion, the repetition just detracts from the rest of the poem, and I think the poem could do without it.
Furthermore, the line "mingle in freedom" doesn't seem to make sense. Unless I'm missing its meaning, the wording (and word choice) is rather strange.
Other minor changes such as grammar could be improved upon, for example placing "It's a small view" into quotation marks and ending the line "In owl's cry" with a full stop.

[vtsai01]

While reading your poem, I did not understand much of it at all. Many of it seemed vague and I think that some lines need to be varied to be more interesting. Up until reading the last line, and tying that idea of the title, did I end reading the poem with OHH, nice... But yet, some changes in the lines would be nice. Here are some of my critiques: the comments are in CAPS cause I don't know how to bold or differentiate the comments when writing it out on a smart phone... (I'm not a professional, here are just some ideas or hunches I have)

At the window
Five stories depression view DEPRESSION AND VIEW ARE BOTH NOUNS - I DONT GET WHY THEY ARE PHRASED TOGETHER.
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts WHAT SORT OF DEBTS?MONEY DEBTS? FAVOR DEBTS?
And life flavored by smiles PRETTY LINE
In owl’s cry WHY IN AN OWLS CRY? IS IT TO COMBINE LIFE WITH BOTH HAPPINESS( flavored smiles) AND THE CONTRADICTION WITH AN OWLS CRY? But an owls cry is not necessarily sad... Is it to give a puzzling question if life is really happy?

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner. I CANT PICTURE THE SCENE WITH THE TWO LINES. ARE THE WOMEN AND MEN MIXED IN TOGETHER BEHIND HE SON?
Another day women matched, MATCHED OR MARCHED?
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms SO ANOTHER DAY, it's NOT ONE BOY? ITS MULTIPLE CHILDREN? WHERES A PHRASE OR LINE TO NOTE THAT TO THE READER? SAYING THE NEXT DAY MAKES IT SEEM THAT THE SOCIAL SITUATION IS SIMILAR AS THE DAY BEFORE.

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along. I WAS NEVER A FAN OF HAVE TWO CONSECUTIVE LINES START WITH THE SAME WORD IF THAT WORD IS NOT IMPORTANT OR CRUCIAL TO THE POEMS ELEMENT
It’s a small view GOOD REPETITION OF THIS LINE... Maybe it needs to BE A BIT CONSIDTENT THROUGHOUT THE POEM? You have IT ONCE IN THE SECKND STANZA AND TWICE IN THE FOURTH STANZA.
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

[sawgr]

At the window
Five stories depression view
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts
And life flavored by smiles
In owl’s cry

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner.
Another day women matched,
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along.
It’s a small view
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

Great poem! The third stanza feels out of place. I imagine it is to show a deeper and more full reflection of the past.. but I could be wrong! I think the rest of the poem flows very well, but I don't quite see how the third stanza is supposed to flow or the purpose of it.

[QDeathstar]

well, as for the poem I think it is making an obtuse vague point about how gender rules are changing.  The psychiatric room is a metaphore for the speakers opinion on those changing roles....

without knowing what you are saying in this poem it's difficult to critique.... it would be like trying to critique a poem written in French (I don't speak French)... so I will offer an opinion on the interpretation. If I am way off, you can consider my critique to be that your points need to made clearer.


At the window
Five stories depression view
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

the five stories aren't stores of a building, they are stories on a news network, the evening news. it was all bad news.  

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts
And life flavored by smiles
In owl’s cry
the author is critiquing the media here.  The mass media provides a small view of the world sealed off by commercial and corporate walls. On the screen, the patchs of debts are commercials, and life flavored my smiles in owls cry is the nationalism displayed by the media and the romantism of the military.

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner.
Another day women matched,
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms

the first two lines talk about times past, where women were followers and men were leaders... the second lines refer to the changing gender roles. Women have matched the men in holding the banner. Now men sit back and watch the women take control. The children confined in uniforms speakers to how gender neutral society has become

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along.
It’s a small view
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

~our society has become crazy...




... I guess.

[Barbito]

I loved that last line: "A reflection of a psychiatric room." It pulls the whole poem together, and really hammers home the message. One of the things I'm not so fond on is the repetition in the lines:
"Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath."
I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve by repeating the word 'beneath' in these two lines. In my opinion, the repetition just detracts from the rest of the poem, and I think the poem could do without it.
Furthermore, the line "mingle in freedom" doesn't seem to make sense. Unless I'm missing its meaning, the wording (and word choice) is rather strange.
Other minor changes such as grammar could be improved upon, for example placing "It's a small view" into quotation marks and ending the line "In owl's cry" with a full stop.

"Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath" what i was trying to put across with this line was; things might seem okay at the moment, probably because there's no trigger at the epicenter (no conflict of interest) but when it is triggered by a force "politics, injustice, discrimination" you will realize that there has always been a line under the blankets of unity we boast of everyday. Very common here in Africa.
"mingle in freedom" is the interaction of people in freedom which was earned by strangle, I had to use this to express the view of the woman in the mental hospital, to make her view of freedom to be just an illusion.
Thank you, I will try to redo the 3rd stanza.

---

While reading your poem, I did not understand much of it at all. Many of it seemed vague and I think that some lines need to be varied to be more interesting. Up until reading the last line, and tying that idea of the title, did I end reading the poem with OHH, nice... But yet, some changes in the lines would be nice. Here are some of my critiques: the comments are in CAPS cause I don't know how to bold or differentiate the comments when writing it out on a smart phone... (I'm not a professional, here are just some ideas or hunches I have)

At the window
Five stories depression view DEPRESSION AND VIEW ARE BOTH NOUNS - I DONT GET WHY THEY ARE PHRASED TOGETHER.
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts WHAT SORT OF DEBTS?MONEY DEBTS? FAVOR DEBTS?
And life flavored by smiles PRETTY LINE
In owl’s cry WHY IN AN OWLS CRY? IS IT TO COMBINE LIFE WITH BOTH HAPPINESS( flavored smiles) AND THE CONTRADICTION WITH AN OWLS CRY? But an owls cry is not necessarily sad... Is it to give a puzzling question if life is really happy?

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner. I CANT PICTURE THE SCENE WITH THE TWO LINES. ARE THE WOMEN AND MEN MIXED IN TOGETHER BEHIND HE SON?
Another day women matched, MATCHED OR MARCHED?
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms SO ANOTHER DAY, it's NOT ONE BOY? ITS MULTIPLE CHILDREN? WHERES A PHRASE OR LINE TO NOTE THAT TO THE READER? SAYING THE NEXT DAY MAKES IT SEEM THAT THE SOCIAL SITUATION IS SIMILAR AS THE DAY BEFORE.

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along. I WAS NEVER A FAN OF HAVE TWO CONSECUTIVE LINES START WITH THE SAME WORD IF THAT WORD IS NOT IMPORTANT OR CRUCIAL TO THE POEMS ELEMENT
It’s a small view GOOD REPETITION OF THIS LINE... Maybe it needs to BE A BIT CONSIDTENT THROUGHOUT THE POEM? You have IT ONCE IN THE SECKND STANZA AND TWICE IN THE FOURTH STANZA.
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

Depression view.I have two reasons that explain why I chose this line and why it serves as a title, I intended it to have two meanings,
1. Since the woman is in a five story building her view from the window will be through an angle; angle of depression= depression view. What this would add to the poem is trying to make it literal, a descriptive link to the first line. There could be many ways to achieve this, but with the second reason, this could be the only one.
2. Since when you figured out events in this poem surround a woman in a psychiatric hospital, then she could be there because of depression which led to mental illness probably caused by her radical view of the world (not necessary, but with this I think it makes sense)

The debts are all sorts of debts, any can fit, what i had in mind is the money debt, I imagined the in the woman's view she saw people straining every nerve to get money, stabilize the economy, while at the same time they are free, but not free in the eyes of the ill woman because according to her they create their own cage of money and and favor as you put it.
it should have been marched, thanks for that correction.
And life flavored by smiles
In owl’s cry this was meant to create the contradiction you noted, people are happy but they are ignoring the warnings. Ignorance
One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner, Yes women and men are mixed behind the son, these might be during the campaign period, or any other event that this scene fits.
Children are confined in uniforms, it could be child soldier story, but what i had in mind is, school uniforms, children molded into the same system that is crumbling and bias. women vs men.
I will work on those lines, may be replace or omit.

---

well, as for the poem I think it is making an obtuse vague point about how gender rules are changing.  The psychiatric room is a metaphore for the speakers opinion on those changing roles....

without knowing what you are saying in this poem it's difficult to critique.... it would be like trying to critique a poem written in French (I don't speak French)... so I will offer an opinion on the interpretation. If I am way off, you can consider my critique to be that your points need to made clearer.


At the window
Five stories depression view
A woman watched, mingle in freedom
Sipping evening tea, in ill wisdom
-Where is outside?

the five stories aren't stores of a building, they are stories on a news network, the evening news. it was all bad news.  

The view is small
Entirety sealed off by walls.
On the screen, patches of debts
And life flavored by smiles
In owl’s cry
the author is critiquing the media here.  The mass media provides a small view of the world sealed off by commercial and corporate walls. On the screen, the patchs of debts are commercials, and life flavored my smiles in owls cry is the nationalism displayed by the media and the romantism of the military.

One day women sung behind someone’s son,
Their men carried the banner.
Another day women matched,
Their hands held the banner
That day men watched.
Children confined in uniforms

the first two lines talk about times past, where women were followers and men were leaders... the second lines refer to the changing gender roles. Women have matched the men in holding the banner.  Now men sit back and watch the women take control. The children confined in uniforms speakers to how gender neutral society has become

It’s a small view- she said,
But the sequence of this queue, I know.
Normalcy put off, malice break like a wave
Smashing the walls beneath
Calm deep sea, an epicenter beneath.
Calm waters, and a wave rode all along.
It’s a small view
A reflection of a psychiatric room.

~our society has become crazy...




... I guess.

Great, it is about, this woman in a psychiatric hospital, in her illness she wonders why she feels more free in that locked room when she observes what happens outside, there are people praising a politicians, another day she observes women's plight in a demonstration which men don't support. (you got it right) These people have a feeling of freedom but not so free from the cage of their own making, will, unsound politics and their children are being cultured into that, also them trapped into that system that don't work.
In owl's cry, in Africa owl is a symbol of bad luck, but in the caution less society they still smile. Calm waters but a wave rode all along, people in that society thought they are doing fine, but they had a tension build up, which is released at the shore- right moment, election period or when there is intersection of events that cause conflict of interest. Conclusion what she sees through that window is a reflection of her own room where she is locked for mental illness, but she wonders where is outside?