I'm not you

[poppoetry]

My latest verse, I done it yesterday and had a completely different rhyming scheme and reworked it completely,it's easy and accessible but helps me to practice, practice, practice, I'm still looking for that poetic nugget.

I'm not you.

somewhat superior
cosmic and great
see bubbles' walls
not for debate.

mixed up and mental
not on the page
preposterous and perplexing
It's an outrage

you can't see it
you're so unaware
you're not locked up
I'm shallow don't care.

perpetually seek admiration
always pursuing praise
cunningly look out for yourself
consumed by issues you raise.

an irritating busy body.
old people give you time
you ruffle my feathers
you inspired this rhyme

I'm beholden this day
not inflicted like you
abhor your batty ways
blessed really, I'm not you.



poppoetry
© June 2015.

[Julia.rose.q]

Maybe I'm being dense--but I'm having a hard time "getting" this piece.

My takeaway is that the subject is pleased to not be like someone s/he abhors (someone that maybe the subject is expected to be like? Such as a mother or sibling?).

I'll just comment on one global concern.

The punctuation/capitalization drove me bonkers because I can't make sense of it, lol. The first stanza as a sentence makes sense. But then there isn't another period for two more stanzas, and grammatically that doesn't work. Later there's a phrase "irritating busy body" ended by a period, which also isn't gramatically accurate.  I spent a lot of time during my reading trying to figure out the significance of the punctuation and re-reading sections trying to make then fit.

My reading experience would improve with more consistent punctuation or no punctuation.

[poppoetry]

Thanks for having a read and taking the time, sorry it confused and perplexed you and a bigger apologise for grammar, punctuation or lack there of, the poem is about someone that irritates the writer but it's not a relative, the poem is tongue in cheek, thanks for the critique, I'lll amended the poem to make it more sensible if you will.

Maybe I'm being dense--but I'm having a hard time "getting" this piece.

My takeaway is that the subject is pleased to not be like someone s/he abhors (someone that maybe the subject is expected to be like? Such as a mother or sibling?).

I'll just comment on one global concern.

The punctuation/capitalization drove me bonkers because I can't make sense of it, lol. The first stanza as a sentence makes sense. But then there isn't another period for two more stanzas, and grammatically that doesn't work. Later there's a phrase "irritating busy body" ended by a period, which also isn't gramatically accurate.  I spent a lot of time during my reading trying to figure out the significance of the punctuation and re-reading sections trying to make then fit.

My reading experience would improve with more consistent punctuation or no punctuation.

[Gaslampfantasy]

Yes, just try to keep capitalisation consistent. Or you could go the e e cummings road and avoid capitals at all. But I found this poem intriguing, especially the bit about 'bubbles' walls', which I did not fully understand. But, then again, poetry is supposed to make you think, isn't it? Keep o writing.

[Merrikay]

Hi again poppoetry, eh, you know I'm a complete amateur...
Anyway, first stanza, I don't understand "see bubbles wall, not for debate" no clue what that's referring to..
Second stanza "preposterous and perplexing" is really out of the rhythm, I'd suggest cutting the "and" and maybe the "preposterous" as well, I think perplexing sounds better with it..maybe another word in front to smooth the meter.
Third stanza, I think is very vague, I'm losing what it's supposed to be about now...
Fourth stanza, "cunningly is bothering me here
Fifth stanza, "old people give you time" like pay attention to this person? That seems so random..
Conclusion, I like the subject matter, maybe you could go humerous with it? As it is now, it feels a little scattered.