Supernova

[RiverNotch]

(From my first NaPM experience -- thanks for the whole thing)

Supernova

Today, my navel outshines me,
for today, it is a dying star
huffing its desperate last breath.

The immense pressure of gravity's hands
ever-squeezing its fiery core
at last compounds its every facet
into a heavy hole in time.

Its shell of gas and light erupts
into a splendid rainbow of dust,
of carbon and oxygen and iron and nitrogen,
of water and earth and wind and flame,
of all the material elements.

And this great cloud of stardust scatters
beyond the world of my humble body,
beyond the womb of mother earth,
beyond the weirs across the heavens,
to create a brilliant legacy for its father
by filling the gaps in the puzzle of life.

[buildthestars]

(From my first NaPM experience -- thanks for the whole thing)

Supernova

Today, my navel outshines me,
for today, it is a dying star
huffing its desperate last breath. There's something I'm not liking about this intro stanza. Repetitive with "today" and the breaks seem inappropriate.

The immense pressure of gravity's hands
ever-squeezing its fiery core
at last compounds its every facet
into a heavy hole in time.

Its shell of gas and light erupts You used "its" in the stanza above and I think you should drop it here because it interrupts the flow.
into a splendid rainbow of dust,
of carbon and oxygen and iron and nitrogen,
of water and earth and wind and flame,
of all the material elements. Not so good repetition above, gorgeous repetition here. Love it.

And this great cloud of stardust scatters
beyond the world of my humble body,
beyond the womb of mother earth,
beyond the weirs across the heavens, Love these three lines together.
to create a brilliant legacy for its father
by filling the gaps in the puzzle of life. I don't know how I feel about this last line. I would smooth it out.

Really wasn't sure how I felt about this when it started, but I absolutely loved it by the end. I think you just need to work on the beginning bit and give it the type of punch that you have in the last two stanzas. Good job.

[Wjames]

(From my first NaPM experience -- thanks for the whole thing)

Supernova

Today, my navel outshines me,
for today, it is a dying star
huffing its desperate last breath. I don't like the double "today" either.

The immense pressure of gravity's hands
ever-squeezing its fiery core
at last compounds its every facet Do you need at last?
into a heavy hole in time. Your belly button is a heavy hole in time?

Its shell of gas and light erupts
into a splendid rainbow of dust, I like the dust/erupts incidental.
of carbon and oxygen and iron and nitrogen,
of water and earth and wind and flame, do you need all the ands?
of all the material elements.

And this great cloud of stardust scatters
beyond the world of my humble body,
beyond the womb of mother earth,
beyond the weirs across the heavens,
to create a brilliant legacy for its father
by filling the gaps in the puzzle of life. This stanza sounds nice, but I don't think I can decipher what you're trying to communicate.

Maybe I'm ignorant in my knowledge of belly buttons, but I can't understand how they connect to a supernova. Cutting the umbilical cord or something? You did have some nice images, but I couldn't form a coherent idea from it all.

[Municipal Alchemist]

I really love the movement and pace of your language! It's a slow moving tone, but there is a lot of weight and force behind the words. I think the repetition is a key part of that. It keeps a steady tempo, and gives the poem a prayer-like sound and feeling. This is the huge strong point for me, so whatever revisions you make, I'd make sure to maintain the tone and rhythm.

One weakness I see is a mismatch in imagery and images. I think this is an incredibly visual poem; you're trying to make us see and experience the supernova: "huffing its last desperate breathe," "fiery core," "splendid rainbow," etc. But too often your imagery is relying on concepts rather that words that can help us see the picture better. I love the rhythm and repetition of the last stanza, but I don't know what to do with "womb of mother earth," "weirs across the heavens," or "puzzle of life." I don't know what these things look like, so they feel out of place to me. "Material elements" is another spot I think you can make stronger.

Cheers!

[bena]

RN,
I loved Nampy didn't you! Milo had some great prompts, and since Merc (that whore who I adore) lives in the future and is also a poetic genius, I think she pushed us as well to write fantastically. I can't be too critical of this particular work, because I simply adore it. Yes, it is repetitive, but it is so in a purposeful, metered way. (although like the above crits, I think you could drop the 2nd today in s1)

I personally have no issue with the imagery being mostly abstract--the birth of a universe and the birth of a human are wonderfully abstract concepts when you consider them in a philosophical manner.

So I may just be rambling but I'm here to say no matter how you go in your revisions, keep the heart of this one what it is...because its brilliant.

cheers,
mel.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for all the feedback! NaPM was great -- I hope I manage to catch all them prompts next year! 
She's from the future? That explains why her stuff seems much too perfect....

--

The second "today" is meant to establish the stately sense of rhythm -- the first line has about three stresses, while that and most of the rest have four. I'll see what I can do with it.

I don't see how "its" is in any way intrusive -- "a" or "the" would make this conceptual poem all the more vague, in my opinion.

As for that last line, I feel a bit uncomfortable with it too -- again, I'll see what I can do with it.

I think I do need at last -- maintains rhythm.

For the chemical elements, maybe not. For the classical elements, I think I do; without the soft sounds in between, those last three things would slow the poem down too much.

--

By the last stanza, it's moved into the purely conceptual -- I don't really care if at that point it ends up feeling too abstract. The star has exploded, so it's time to ruminate. The three w's represent three levels of being -- the personal, the low physical, and the high physical -- the ending, though in a way I consider changing, is about enlightenment. See below.

It's about empowerment (or maybe enlightenment). It begins with an image of personal life -- the navel -- being compared with ideas of death -- the dying star, the heavy hole in time -- then, ultimately, moving on into a greater sense of being -- the nebula -- that slowly, surely blows up into a much more brilliant sense of oneness -- the last stanza. I'll think about weaving in a bit more reinforcement into the navel image, though, for the sake of supporting it -- maybe make the idea of the navel as a sensual or umbilical object more apparent.