Caravan Holiday

[heslopian]

Leaning over the dark edge,
the slanting mud and blinded rocks,
a vast void of silence
before the grim stage
(on which stood the distant sea)
like a pensive audience
watching a bad comic.

Behind me were the caravans,
the warm front room I'd left,
the television still playing
a daft comedy,
about a boy in a bubble,
whose mother loves him
much too much.

The sky was black
and beautiful
because of its blackness;
that eve I was
the only one
using the midnight oxygen,
outside his temporary
home, here on the ledge
facing the sea,
contemplating suicide,
though not really;
I didn't have the courage,
and still don't today.

[billy]

Leaning over the dark edge,
the slanting mud and blinded rocks,
a vast void of silence
before the grim stage
(on which stood the distant sea)
like a pensive audience
watching a bad comic. "i struggled with this simile"
I felt the wind
pass by my arms,
like a thousand
wedding guests
brushing past
a dull bridesmaid. "this one feels out of place for me"

Behind me were the caravans,
the warm front room I'd left,
the television still playing
a daft comedy,
about a boy in a bubble,
whose mother loves him
much too much.

the 2nd verse is a real trigger. i remember the film, i really enjoyed this simple verse

The sky was black
and beautiful
because of its blackness;
that eve I was
the only one
using the midnight oxygen,
outside his temporary
home, here on the ledge
facing the sea,
contemplating suicide,
though not really,
as I didn't have the courage

would L1, 2, and 3 of the 3rd verse read better as;
The sky was black
beautiful
because of its blackness;

i like the twist at the end of the 3rd,
is "as" needed in the last line of the 3rd?


still don't.

I returned and watched
the end of my film.

the last 3 lines feel a little forced for me.

all in all i think it's a poem with good potential.

[heslopian]

Leaning over the dark edge,
the slanting mud and blinded rocks,
a vast void of silence
before the grim stage
(on which stood the distant sea)
like a pensive audience
watching a bad comic. "i struggled with this simile"
I felt the wind
pass by my arms,
like a thousand
wedding guests
brushing past
a dull bridesmaid. "this one feels out of place for me"

Behind me were the caravans,
the warm front room I'd left,
the television still playing
a daft comedy,
about a boy in a bubble,
whose mother loves him
much too much.

the 2nd verse is a real trigger. i remember the film, i really enjoyed this simple verse

The sky was black
and beautiful
because of its blackness;
that eve I was
the only one
using the midnight oxygen,
outside his temporary
home, here on the ledge
facing the sea,
contemplating suicide,
though not really,
as I didn't have the courage

would L1, 2, and 3 of the 3rd verse read better as;
The sky was black
beautiful
because of its blackness;

i like the twist at the end of the 3rd,
is "as" needed in the last line of the 3rd?


still don't.

I returned and watched
the end of my film.

the last 3 lines feel a little forced for me.

all in all i think it's a poem with good potential.

Thanks for the feedback, Billy I was wondering if you'd mention the bridesmaid simile. I really don't like where I placed it, as I think it throws the rhythm off and pointlessly elongates the verse. I may just ditch it. What didn't you like about the "bad comic" one?
You've seen Bubble Boy too? One of my guiltiest pleasures, that film
Yeah, looking back, I think the flow could be improved by removing "as" before that "courage" line; thanks for the tip, I'll do an edit now.
Like with the last verse of Inheritance, those final three lines were put there because I wanted a tidy ending. Do you think it would look better if I placed "still don't" directly underneath the "courage" line, and then ditched the other two?

[billy]

the bad comic one;

though they're both grim and admittedly have some kind of void connected to them
it's a different type of grim. the see is grim in it's aspect as Elizabeth browning is all thats best of dark and bright in hers. (George Byron's words)

the comic or his stage is grim not because of it/his aspect but because of humiliation or lack of skill. its a sad grim that comes from wanting more but not getting it.

in this instance the sea can't help but be grim.
and true to the meaning of the word;

1. Unrelenting; rigid.
2. Uninviting or unnerving in aspect; forbidding: "undoubtedly the grimmest part of him was his iron claw" (J.M. Barrie).
3. Ghastly; sinister: "He made a grim jest at the horrifying nature of his wound" (Reginald Pound). See Synonyms at ghastly.
4. Dismal; gloomy: a grim, rainy day.
5. Ferocious; savage:

the comedian on the other hand just isn't funny and the audience show disdain.

the still don't;
for me it would work better there and with an I before it.

as "still Don't" it feels a little blaze and petulant (just my opinion of course)

[heslopian]

the bad comic one;

though they're both grim and admittedly have some kind of void connected to them
it's a different type of grim. the see is grim in it's aspect as Elizabeth browning is all thats best of dark and bright in hers. (George Byron's words)

the comic or his stage is grim not because of it/his aspect but because of humiliation or lack of skill. its a sad grim that comes from wanting more but not getting it.

in this instance the sea can't help but be grim.
and true to the meaning of the word;

1. Unrelenting; rigid.
2. Uninviting or unnerving in aspect; forbidding: "undoubtedly the grimmest part of him was his iron claw" (J.M. Barrie).
3. Ghastly; sinister: "He made a grim jest at the horrifying nature of his wound" (Reginald Pound). See Synonyms at ghastly.
4. Dismal; gloomy: a grim, rainy day.
5. Ferocious; savage:

the comedian on the other hand just isn't funny and the audience show disdain.

the still don't;
for me it would work better there and with an I before it.

as "still Don't" it feels a little blaze and petulant (just my opinion of course)

Ah yes I see what you mean. Comparing nature to people is often troublesome, at least for me. Thanks for the advice on the end; I'll make an edit now.

[billy]

don't worry;

the see is grim in it's aspect as Elizabeth browning is all that's best of dark and bright in hers. (George Byron's words)

i was confused lol
the poem was about his cousin, (arguably) and i didn't realize what i said till i was about to leave an answer in poetry discussion about fave love poems. :S

[Bianca Alabaster]

Ah and I get to see the edit, it's a good poem - wonderful, thanks. I'm just a humble girl but it seems there is a typo... maybe I'm wrong.

>> that eve I was
the only one
using the midnight oxygen,
outside his temporary *** should it be? outside this temporary
home, here on the ledge
facing the sea,

you are writing in the first person, yes? and then you switch to his? when contemplating suicide

the author is the object of the poem right? the one in the poem making the observations, correct?

I really liked your poem.

[addy]

Great piece. I like that despite the theme, it's not exactly grim... more a contemplation, like "stopping by woods on a snowy evening". Also, the line "much too much" tripped me up at first, but upon re-reading it, it worked.

[heslopian]

@Bianca - Thanks for the feedback and kind words The narrator is me, all the way through. I'm the one making the observations and I'm the one contemplating suicide.

The full line reads: "Outside his temporary home," so I think that's right, though I can see how the line break before "home" might be confusing. Thanks for calling my attention to it

---

@addy - Thanks for the kind words, and the comparison to the Robert Frost poem! I read that just the other day