Tunnel Vision

[Wjames]

The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim,
there’s nowhere to lay them, a lap is too plain,
our phones get no signal, perhaps that’s to blame:
the subway is haunted by eyes with no aim.
 
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same,
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change,
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame:
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim.

[Wjames]

The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim,
there’s nowhere to lay them inside this steel cage,
our phones get no signal, now poised with a riddle:
who dies in the middle of this mayday charade.
 
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same,
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change,
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame:
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim.

I absolutely love the second stanza. Just have to say that. I changed what I did solely for some sort of different spin on it. The third line distracted me with the cell phone reference... Though I understand what you were saying, the lead-in to the second part of line fits questionably.

Thanks for reading, yes the second stanza's definitely the meat of this poem. I tried to write this one with a recurring meter, which makes editing much more difficult. I think I might just cut the first stanza altogether...

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim, <--- took me a second to get this idea, but i think i did. I might think of clearing it up a bit. Or just not letting idiots like me read it
there’s nowhere to lay them, a lap is too plain,
our phones get no signal, perhaps that’s to blame: <--- love this line.
the subway is haunted by eyes with no aim.
 
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same, <--- its and car's right next to each other sound a little funny, and i had to think about whether this was grammatically correct or not. Might think of another way to word this.
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change,
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame: <---are these connected? if they are, i think this needs a bit more expansion, otherwise the reader is left just wondering what the man is shameful about and the little girl is nervous about.
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim.

I really love the rhyming pattern and rhythm you have going here. Thanks for the read

[RiverNotch]

The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim,
there’s nowhere to lay them, a lap is too plain, I don't entirely understand what "a lap is too plain" means.
our phones get no signal, perhaps that’s to blame: I think this and the first line are the only crucial lines in this stanza. Maybe make the first one the first line of the poem as a whole, and this one the final line? It would make the ending rather punchy.
the subway is haunted by eyes with no aim.
 
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same,
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change, I don't entirely get the meaning of this image, in relation to everything else presented. The early line shows a sense of emptiness in the setting; the next one makes the image of the haunting eyes more vivid. But what of the luckless beggar?
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame: Perhaps make this line more universal? It feels like an undue interruption of the specific. If that's precisely what you're going for, I would suggest making the point-of-view more personal: "This tunnel is dreary..."
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim. I don't get the interruption of the comma here.

[Animal Riots Activist]

The subway is haunted by eyes with no aim,
there’s nowhere to lay them, a lap is too plain,
our phones get no signal, perhaps that’s to blame:
the subway is haunted by eyes with no aim.
 
The tunnel is dreary, its train car’s the same,
a panhandler whistles, but no one has change,
a young girl gets nervous, the man hides his shame:
the subway is haunted, by eyes with no aim.

The meter is really solid. Reading the other comments, it seems like you're going to cut the first stanza? I would caution against that, though clearly there is a disparity between the two stanzas, the first stanza can do more to set up the second. I would say just buckle down and really pick apart what you think is good about the second stanza, and how you could highlight those in a new stanza. Then rewrite the first. I know it's tough with the meter as it is, but I think you can do it.

What I think makes the second stanza work so well is the overwhelming sense of slight discomfort. I would say either rewrite the first stanza such that it contrasts this, or such that it builds up to the discomfort in the second. As it is right now, it seems like the first stanza is just a matter of fact analysis of why this discomfort exists, as opposed to doing either of these two things.

some suggestions on how to make this happen:
-start the first stanza on the street outside of the subway
-have the first stanza illustrate what happens when the train stops at a stop and people get on/off
-have N become aware that his/her eyes are wandering to where they shouldn't or that someone else's eyes are wandering.

Of course you could also write a 3rd stanza in which N cuddles up with a hobo. That's always a fun train thing to do. Best of luck, I believe in you!

[Wjames]

Sorry for the delayed response everyone, I've been working a lot and very busy -- and thanks for your input. I will try and use your comments to improve this one, the more it sits with me, the less I like it.